sex drive

[h.elizabeth]

I’m 17. I have tried masturbating in the past in different ways but don’t seem to achieve any pleasure from it, so I don’t do it, and to be honest it doesn’t bother me.

However, I have a boyfriend, and i lost my virginity to him about a year ago, and we play around and do sexual activities together but I really struggle when it comes to getting horny and finding motivation to do the sexual activities. I usually feel tired, or like I can’t be bothered, and I do get sexual motivations but it’s not as much as i’d like it to be.

I do have sexual fantasies, but not as many as I used to, I don’t know if it’s because even tho I’m 17, I'm not sexually mature yet, but all of my friends seem to get really horny nearly every day. I’m quite a busy and productive person, and have a lot to think about apart from sex, but I don’t know if that has anything to do with it.

I have considered if i’m a sexual, but i don’t think i am, since I still want to have sex and do things with my boyfriend, and make it as sexy and enjoyable as possible, but just can’t seem to find the drive and motivation for it. I’m starting to think something might be wrong with me and need advice.

[Heather]

Hey there, welcome to the boards.

You know, one of the things more modern and progressive sex educators advise when it comes to thinking about desire is to lose the term "sex drive" altogether. That's for a few reasons, but the biggie is that that framework often suggests that everyone just has this sort of constant, self-starting desire for sex all or even some of the time, and for a lot of people, that's just not how it works. For a lot of people, the desire for sex is more responsive -- in response to things, like a partner, for instance -- that being something that can run on its own.

It sounds like what might be going on for you is that either a) you're simply in a space right now where you just don't have a lot of interest in sex, and/or b) you need something you're not getting to get you to feel that desire.

Since you say you want to be sexual, it sounds like this is something you'd like to try and change, rather than accept, so why don't we start there? (If I have that wrong, please correct me.)

Can you say a little bit about what has had you feeling desire in the past, and if any of that has changed?