Don't know what I'm feeling

[space egg]

Hey Scarleteen
I apologise if any of this comes out as word vomit, I will try my absolute best to summarise but it's a bit of a loaded question/rant/I don't even know

My boyfriend (17) and I (16) have been together for about two years and have always had mental health issues of our own. The difference between us is that I have a better relationship with my parents, so I've generally had better treatment from a younger age, while he has only recently started treatment.

He is quite attached and insecure, despite knowing what is healthy. He gets quite disappointed when I want to spend time with a few friends during lunch breaks, even though he knows it is okay. However, he can often get mildly passive aggressive or silent when he feels like this.
Sometimes when he is in a bad mental place, usually prior to a panic attack, he takes it out on me through being cold and slightly manipulative, and I think he represses it, because he usually doesn't remember a lot afterwards, nor do I get much of an apology.

Otherwise, he is the kindest and sweetest human I know, and this only happens every now and then. That's why I'm even more confused as to how I should feel. He always pays for me, cuddles me, treats me like I'm the only thing that matters, stands up for me, has helped me through some of the hardest moments in my life.

He knows this happens but hasn't really done much and I just get scared to set boundaries and tell him it's not okay because he might hurt himself or get in that mindset again. Last night I told him that I was going to spend a few more lunch times with my friends instead of his and he got cold, acted like he didn't care, said I should hate him for how he treats me and wanted space from me, before crying and apologising afterwards.
I had to beg him and convince him that I didn't hate him and loved him despite all these problems he has, and I really do love him, but I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to feel. Despite these problems and some other arguments, we always make up.
There are double standards, too. Like something he gets kinda sad for me doing, say, not checking my messages for a bit because I'm busy. He does that too, and I'm okay with that because he's ALLOWED to have a life outside of me. I don't even think he realises how much his insecurities mess with me.
I know I should talk to him, I just don't know how to approach it. I know relationships come with these misunderstandings I just don't know what to excuse and what not to.

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this, sorry if it was a bit loaded XD
I hope you have a lovely day!
space egg

[Sam W]

Hi Space Egg,

You're right that most relationships will have misunderstandings now and then. But when those misunderstandings start to take on a pattern, that can be a sign that at least one person is making deliberate choices to continue the behavior that's creating the issue. In your case, it sounds like your boyfriend has learned that if he gets upset or cold with you when you decide to spend time with friends instead of him, or when you otherwise don't acknowledge him in the way or the time frame he wants, you end up reassuring him or otherwise trying to prove your affection for him. That's really manipulative (he may not even mean it that way, but it doesn't change the fact that that's what it is) and, when paired the fact it's cutting you off from your friends, concerning.

We can for sure talk about how to have the boundaries conversation with him, but before we jump into that, does he tend to respect your boundaries in other parts of your relationship?

I think it's incredibly kind on your part to think about how these conversations might interact with his mental health issues, but in the end him having those issues isn't a free pass for him to never have to have conversations like this. For starters, plenty of people who struggle with mental health stuff manage not to take those feelings out on a partner. Or, if they notice they are, they'll take active steps to learn how not to do that. Too, even if he did choose to hurt himself after you set a boundary with him, that wouldn't be your fault; it would still be a choice he was making.