Communication Issues

[rocko]

So I’ve been having trouble in a friendship because it feels like it’s one sided. They’re my closest friend but my resentment towards them has been growing towards them since the time we were getting to know each other. I’ve ended friendships before because I didn’t feel wanted in them, and I felt like burden to the other person, but I didn’t want to self-sabotage this friendship because of my insecurities. And I’ve been working on myself, so I decided to tell this friend that I was feeling insecure and unwanted in our friendship. (Let me tell you, before I decided to communicate, I gave them the silent treatment for a day to see if they would notice. I know it’s immature, and I’m working on that.)

So when they asked if something was wrong, I told them that I felt like I was the only one putting in effort in our friendship, I always talk to them first, I always ask them to be partners with each other in class, I always text them first, I always ask them about themself and their day, because it seems like if I don’t do that, I will never hear from them. I also noted, while that may not actually be the case, it feels that way. And I asked them if they could reach out sometimes, and volunteer to tell my about themself on their own, I would really appreciate it.

At first, I thought my effort to communicate went well, but after a conversation we had tonight, I see it didn’t. We were texting , and I asked them, if they could change one thing about me, what would they change? And they responded by saying they wished they could change my insecurities about relationships I have with others. I’m sure they were well-intentioned (is that a word) when they said that, because right afterward, they said it was because they don’t want me to feel that way anymore. But after talking some more, I felt hurt. They proceeded to say them and their best friend went months without talking and they ended up fine; that’s fine for their relationship, but for me that wouldn’t work. And they know that because I expressed that to them. And they told me to try not to get upset if they can’t respond. I know they have a life and responsibilities, and I know they have other friends and other people in their lives. I expressed that to them as well, and I said I didn’t want to take time away from them because I know these things.

So to me, it seems like they don’t actually wish I just felt more secure, but also that I don’t feel the need to talk them as much as I do. And as a result of that conversation, I felt angry, from all the resentment that has built up over the course of our friendship. Like they disregarded my feelings. I don’t text them as much anymore out of respect for them. And they said they felt happy that I felt comfortable texting them whenever I wanted, but after this conversation, it doesn’t seem to be the case. I don’t expect to get a response right away whenever I text them, of course not, but I do hope to get response at all. So here I am, left feeling disappointed and resentful, and it’s coming from a place of hurt. They also expressed to me that they don’t like discussing their feelings, even with their closest friends, who I am among. And that’s already putting up an emotional barrier between us. So the fact that I came to them about an insecurity if mine, and they actually thought of this way makes me feel hurt, because they didn’t understand me. It’s not their responsibility to make me feel secure, but I feel like the least they could do is express their care for me in a way that I accept it, like I do for them. One of their primary love languages is words of affirmation, so I make sure to compliment them, praise them, and check up on them. But it feels like they never make the effort to make time for me (my love language is quality time).

And now I’ve expressed my anger through text, and not in the best way. I feel like I’ve gotten the short end of the stick in our friendship, even though they’re the one who came up to me and asked me to be their friend. They keep saying sorry, but it ends up getting us nowhere. And I’m tired if always caring too much in friendships and not having it reciprocated. They expressed they need a lot of affection in friendships, so I don’t get how they don’t see that I don’t feel like I’m getting enough affection from them.

So I know they have good intentions, but I don’t want to be friends anymore; but at the same time I don’t want to be lonely again. I was without friends for around two years because of cutting off friends for this same reason back in 8th grade. I’m going into 11th grade now with the same problems but different people. I know it’s a me problem, but I don’t know how to fix it. And I feel like when I express how I feel, I sugarcoat my emotions as to not hurt the other person, but speaking passively has never worked out for me. And I feel immature for wanting to express my anger, but I’m tired of not expressing it as well. I really only have one other friend and they don’t reach out either. So my choices now seem like either 1. Get rid of both friends and feel lonely again (something I never want to experience again) or 2. Bare with an unfulfilling friendship and try and make other friends to fill the void (even though school ends this week and I have no other way of making friends, trust me, I would if I could).

What are your opinions on the situation and what do I do about it?

[rocko]

Never mind, we solved it

[Mo]

I'm glad to hear that you resolved things! Sometimes friends who genuinely care about each other can have different communication styles and different levels of contact/communication that they consider ideal, and it can be a challenge to navigate a healthy relationship with those differences in mind. It sounds like you're making progress together in that area, which is great!