Sexual guilt

[quick.sylver]

I'm 18 and I've spent over 8 months with a partner who I love, have great communication with, and is completely respectful of my sexual boundaries, one being no sexual acts that could (reasonably) result in a pregnancy. I.e., no penetration, no ejaculate on/near my genitals, no humping unless fully clothed, etc. I love exploring sexuality with him through manual/oral sex, I feel comfortable and safe saying "no," and we didn't start having sex until we were both ready. TL;DR, everything's great. But no matter how wonderful and comfortable my sex life is, I can't shake my anxiety! I'm plagued by guilt and fears that it will "come back to get me" and I'll end up pregnant, even though we don't do anything that could result in conception. Your "you're not pregnant" article is a lifeline for me. I reread it whenever I'm feeling antsy. In that article, you discuss how a lot of people feel the way I do because they're expecting a "punishment" for sex. I wasn't raised religious—I even had comprehensive sex-ed—but I feel like this description fits me perfectly. Can you go more in-depth about how to tackle this sort of shame/anxiety? What can I do to work through these fears? I want to enjoy sex without the societal baggage!

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards!
I'm glad to hear our resources have been so helpful to you. I believe you're talking about the following article: You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You Think You Are? I also advice (if you haven't) to read through this one, and scroll to the bottom where there are more resources, both within Scarleteen and external: The Pregnancy Panic Companion

As per our user guidelines, we do not answer any questions about pregnancy fear or anxiety in our direct services from users who are not pregnant or who are not or have not otherwise been directly involved with an actual pregnancy. We CAN and WILL talk about things like:
• choosing and using a method or methods of contraception for any future sexual activity
• creating your own sexual limits and boundaries based on your needs and/or presenting them to any partners
• making sexual choices that suit your own needs, abilities and limitations, including your own readiness for certain possible risks
• help locating or using emergency contraception if and when you have had a pregnancy risk
• discussing options with a real, existing pregnancy, and help finding and accessing those options, such as abortion services and pre-natal care, or discussing feelings or concerns about a past pregnancy
• help with anxiety like locating mental health services, sound self-help or asking for support from friends or family.
That being said, if we are only discussing the anxiety around it (and not actually a pregnancy scare), we can talk about that. I just had to make you aware of our guidelines so you know what's allowed and isn't!

You mentioned you relate to feeling like there's an expected punishment for sex, but it's not for a religious reason. Can you think of other reasons it might be? You said you had comprehensive sex ed, but what about at home, and in your community, etc? If you can get to the root of why you feel this way, it will be easier to tackle the anxiety. Also, have you seen a mental health professional about this anxiety in the past?

[Mo]

Hi there quick.sylver,

I wonder if you'd find this article about sexual shame helpful at all: Undoing Sexual Shame. The author of the article came from a religious background that instilled a lot of those feelings of shame, but I think she does a good job of discussing how to try and unravel those feelings no matter where they came from. It might be a good starting point for you to think about and try and work through some of these guilty feelings.

[quick.sylver]

The "Undoing Sexual Shame" article was a huge help, thank you! Based on it, I think a lot of my fears come from family—I'm not unsafe, and I can go to people like my mom for support in sexual health, but she's told me she thinks people my age are "too young" and would probably be disappointed if she knew the extent to which I'm sexually active. I have seen a therapist for my anxiety before, but only for a brief time and before I was sexually active. I've thought about going back, so that's definitely something I ought to arrange. I really appreciate your all's support through this—I'm already feeling a lot better. Again, thank you so much!

[Sofi]

I'm so glad it was helpful! I do think going back to a therapist would be a good thing to try, because they could help you work through the shame and anxiety that's causing all of this. We're always here too if you need to vent or ask any questions! <3