Male Validation & Cognitive Dissonance

[rocko]

So I’ve been struggling with feeling desirable lately and I don’t have anyone to talk about this with. I brought it up to a friend earlier today, but mostly what I got was an “I’m sorry you feel that way” which doesn’t help me. To anyone that reads this, what do you think and what do you think I should do about feeling this way? I will copy and paste what I wrote in my notes app that explains how I feel, but I will break it up so it isn’t so confusing:

I feel undesirable regarding my platonic relationships with males— or my lack theirof— and their social status based on attractiveness according to beauty standards, and perceiving the relationships girls/women and fem-aligned people have with males. And my exposure to social media only amplifies that. I have been feeling mildly jealous of friend(s) and classmates because of it, but I choose to ignore it.
I don’t understand why certain behaviors of men are as bad as people say they are. (I’m referring to the fact that men look up the descriptions of people they find attractive on porn sites). I ask politely, but people only shame people for asking the same questions as I do. I’m assuming it’s because they have a lot of experience being desired in a certain way that others like myself have not. Is it so bad to be okay with being desired in a way that many agree is sexualization?
Originally, I wouldn’t care whether a male I had a platonic relationship with didn’t view me in a sexual light, or found me sexually attractive. But after discovering the large amounts of males that have platonic relationships with girls/women who they view in this light, it makes me feel insecure that I don’t have it. And comments on the internet that shame people for wanting what I want as well makes me feel even worse. It seems as if we’re both coming from a place of ignorance; neither of us can really comprehend how the other person feels due to our mutual lack of experiences regarding the other person’s opinions.
I feel like my race, my complexion, and my physical attributes all play a part in this. (By physical attributes, I mean height— I’m 5’7.5”— my rounder face, and a couple other features I don’t want to mention). And I’m sure their are some people that would agree that I should be grateful I haven’t had much experience with this, but I can’t help but not feel excluded, and inadequate and worthless in social settings. This has definitely contributed to my gender dysphoria as well.
Your value as a woman is based off your desirability and the amount of men that want you. And if you don’t have those things, you’re seen as less than, and it really messes with your self worth. And being raised as a woman, even though I don’t feel like one, it still affects me.

I want to be desired in this way, but I also want to have friendships where I’m viewed as a person. I do have experience being pursued romantically, but it never goes anywhere due to my fear of intimacy, so friendships are the closest way I can get that feeling of desirability. I mean, I really don’t want friendships where I’m sexualized, yet it’s validating my worth at the same time. I hope I explained it well enough.

So yeah, tell me your honest thoughts, even if it may not agree with mine.

[Sam W]

Hi Rocko,

The gender expectations and messages we're raised with can for sure influence us even when we no longer align with that gender, and it for sure sucks that these feelings are contributing to your gender dysphoria. To make sure I'm understanding you right, is it that you wish the guys you were in friendships with found you desirable in some way? Or is there something else you're hoping for from friendships that you're just not getting?

[rocko]

The best way I can explain it is: I want to feel desired, and the way most people I’m around seems to get that through being sexualized by male friends. I don’t actually want that, though. I just want a normal friendship free of sexualization at the same time. It just seems like everyone I’m around has this one aspect of their lives that I don’t, and that one thing decides your desirability and validation as fem-aligned person.

[Mo]

Do you have a sense of what would make you feel desired by men in a way that feels positive to you? I hear you on wanting to feel desirable, and I don't think that's an unreasonable feeling to have at all. It sounds like you don't want to feel sexualized by male friends; is there something in particular you'd want out of your interactions with them that you aren't getting right now?
It's fine if the answer is "I know I want something different but I'm not sure what," I'm just curious as to whether you have a sense of what you're looking for.

[rocko]

I don’t have any male friends right now. The last one I had did sexualize me, and said some things that made me feel weird. I didn’t ask for it, it surprised me and threw me off a little, but I didn’t really mind it that much either and just moved past it. Now that I think about it, maybe I just miss having guy friends is all. I grew up with a brother, and my closest friends for my entire childhood were guys. I don’t really think I want to be desired by them in the way that I spoke about. And in new friendships with guys, I don’t want to feel like I’m bothering them or are a burden on them; I want them to show me that they want to hang out with me as much as I want to hang out with them. Thank you for helping me figure this out

[Sofi]

That makes a lot of sense! I'm glad talking it out with us helped you figure that out and get some clarity. We are always here to talk or listen.