How to Know if I'm Ready

[queenoftask]

Heyyy,
I'm 16 years old and I have some things I would like an opinion on.

So, for around the past year and a half I've felt very sexual. I've been masturbating about once every week. One question is: What is considered a healthy masturbation schedule ?
I'm not sure if there is such a thing but if so, I'd like to know.

Another thing I would like to discuss is that I am bisexual and I have been thinking of my best friend in a romantic way. This has been going on for about 6 months now. I fantasize about her and I think about her constantly. I just don't know if I should tell her how I'm feeling. She has a boyfriend, which is a big reason why I haven't brought up the subject. Another is that I don't want to ruin what we have. We have an amazing friendship that I wouldn't trade for the world, so I don't want anything to get in the way of that. One thing to point out is that she said she liked me before she had a boyfriend but that she just didn't tell me. I don't know if that changes anything, but I feel deep emotions towards this girl. What do you think I should do ?

Also, I used to date this boy off and on in middle school and early high school. I find him extremely attractive but I would never want to date him again. He's very sexual and open about what he likes about me and I always get really nervous around him and sort of shut down everything he is saying. Lately I have been thinking of sexual scenarios between the two of us, but I always stop when it comes to the point of thinking about these things actually happening. I don't think I would be able to actually do any of the things I think about. I find it extremely difficult to hold hands with this person. He has tried to kiss me on numerous occasions but I always pull away. Why do you think I'm feeling this way ?

How can I know when I'm ready to have sex or do anything sexual ? I have heard that I should just not think about it and just do it but that doesn't seem right to me. I want to feel completely comfortable before doing anything of this sort. I want to know that this is the right thing to do.

Another thing that I find myself thinking about a lot is the guilt I feel when thinking about this boy. I know that the girl I like would definitely be a much better partner for me. I feel guilty thinking about him in a romantic way. This girl does not know that I have strong feelings for her, but I still feel like I should be loyal to those feelings. Is this unusual ?

Overall, I would like to hear your opinions on these thoughts. What do you think my approach should be to all of these situations ?

[Elise]

Hi there queenoftask, and welcome to Scarleteen. You've asked a few different questions here (which I'm glad you felt comfortable asking us), about masturbation, how you might know when you are ready for partnered sex, and also decision making when it comes to approaching a partner.

To start with the first, there isn't such a thing as a "healthy masturbation schedule". You can follow the schedule that feels right for you. If you feel that you can choose when, where and how you want to do it, and you feel like it doesn't interrupt or intrude upon other parts of your life (like seeing friends, eating and keeping up your hygiene), and therefore all is feeling good, then you don't need to worry. You can read more about this and masturbation in general in our articles: Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation

In terms of sexual readiness, sex is definetly something you should think about before doing it, not just the first time, but any time. We have a great articles about this on our main site. As a start, have a go at reading this one: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist and come back to this conversations with any thoughts, questions, or curiosities you may have about it, if you feel comfortable sharing those.

With regards to the people you are talking about, whilst it is okay to have fantasies about a crush, revealing your feelings in a way that would disrupt/infer that they should end they are currently in is not respectful of that relationship. That can be super hard when you're feeling strong feelings for someone, however if you imagine if someone did that whilst you were with a partner you can imagine how that might feel. Does that make sense? Also, are you comfortable expanding on whether your friend told you this before or after she started this relationship?

In terms of the boy that you dated before, it sounds like you know for yourself that you don't want to actually have sex or a relationship with him. It is very common for our imaginations to fantasise about things we wouldn't actually want to do in real life as a way of exploring things using people/situations we are familiar with in order to do that. For this reason, you shouldn't feel any guilt about fantasises about other people, as they are your own, and you don't have any requirement to be monogamous in your fantasies, as they are actually separate to the people in real life. In fact, when we imagine what someone would be like as a partner, that usually says a lot more about us than about them in real life, crushes and imagined relationships don't actually predict what someone would be like as a partner irl, as our imaginations are filling in how they would act. It is only through dating someone that we can know what kind of partner they are, and we don't always get to date our crushes (which can be hard to accept, but very important to respect). On this, you may find these articles useful/interesting:

• Quickies: Crushes (the links at the bottom are very good too)
• Risky Business: Learning to Consider Risk and Make Sound Sexual Choices
• Advice column: I’m having sex fantasies about my crush

Please feel free to share with us what you feel applies/doesn't apply about these articles, and ask any questions you may have!

[queenoftask]

Thank you so much for replying, I appreciate it.

You made very good points and have enlightened me to some things.

Answering about the girl in the relationship, she told me after she had started the relationship. I had just told her that I was bisexual. She told me that she used to like me. She then jokingly said she would experiment with me, as in test if I liked being with a girl. Later she said that she probably was just attracted to me and didn't actually have any romantic feelings for me because she was able to tell me so openly. I knew that she wasn't a very bold person, so I kind of figured that this was an accurate assumption.

This whole situation left me feeling very confused and having conflicted emotions towards her. After I gave it thought, I came to the conclusion that she never felt the way I feel about her. I'm not sure the proper way to understand what she said. I may just be thinking too hard about it. Anyway, any thoughts or suggestions on how I should approach this situation ?

[Carly]

Hey queenoftask -- I can see how this is bringing up a lot of conflicting, confusing feelings for you. I think it can also be really easy to try to figure it all out on our end, which can lead to a lot of assumptions that may or may not be true. I often tell users that the best way to approach a situation where they want to know or understand another person's feelings or something they said is to talk to that person directly. It sounds like you guys do talk and are close, but have you ever brought how you've been feeling about everything?