how do i know if i’m ready to come out?

[astro_tomato19]

pretty much what it says on the tin but i’ll go into further deets anyway

when i first realized i was gay i would like come out to EVERYONE. i’m autistic so i feel like i have no sense of tone or timing. even then, there were people i didn’t tell like my extended family. i’m 20 now and ig i haven’t come out to people that i know well in a while, if you don’t count that one time i felt obligated to do so. i’m also an orthodox christian so it’s not rly safe for me to come out at church. i’d love to come out there, but i just can’t.

which brings me to my question: i’m on my college’s cheer squad, and i’d love to come out to my friends on the team, but idk how to tell if i’m ready. also i’m sorry for not including this in the subject but once i determine that i AM ready, how do i come out without 1- making it a big deal and 2- putting too much attention on myself (i hope to come out to my extended family one day)?

[Heather]

Hey there, astro_tomato. Welcome to the boards!

You know, your coming out is about you, so you don't have to worry about putting too much attention on yourself. This is about what you want other people to know about you. It gets to be about you and be centered on you.

In terms of figuring out if you're ready to be out to someone, I think the most important thing for us to ask ourselves is how ready we feel for the diverse ways that people might respond to that, including ways that may be hurtful or negative. Now, we can often control for that a lot just by choosing people or groups where we are as sure as we can be that they will handle it well and be supportive, but still, you just never know sometimes and we can find ourselves unpleasantly surprised now and then by people we thought would respond differently.

I think you might also want to check in with yourself about how much you want to answer questions about your being gay, and how much you want to talk about it. As with any topic, you get to set limits on how much or how little you share with anyone, but when we're coming out, sometimes people will have questions, especially if and when we're the only or one of the only queer people the person we're telling has encountered.

Per coming out without making it a big deal, you always have the option of just saying something casually in context, rather than, like, calling a meeting to make some big announcement. For example, next time someone is talking about what guys they find cute, you could talk about what women you do. Or, the next time someone talks to the group like everyone is straight, you can just gently pipe up and say, "Actually, I'm gay, not straight!"

How does any of this sound to you?

[astro_tomato19]

i think this is helpful, tysm! i did come out to my cheer coach and she said i can come out when i’m ready which is nice. i think i’ll make a list of what questions and comments i think i’ll get in response and figure out how to respond to them

[Heather]

I'm glad she said that! By all means, no one ever owes anyone any information about your sexual identity. It's always 100% up to you who you give it to, when and why you share it.

I think making that list is a really good idea!