demisexual & difficult orgasming when trying by myself

[lmwinchester]

i’m demisexual, just turned 23, have only been with one person, haven’t been able to orgasm with only fingers or toys, only really get “turned on” when i’m reading some very smutty books, and essentially feel like i’m doing something wrong or i’m broken. i know a lot of my feelings about sex and masturbation are just because of my own religious trauma, but figured i could at least post to see if i could get any advice to try or just chat with someone about what’s going on with me.

i have related a lot to responses i've seen so far wherein my mind is never really “into it”. i have raging adhd and asd so its kind of difficult to keep my brain from wandering off, so i don’t really know what to do now… ive tried lowering my inhibitions and slowing my brain down with alcohol, i will let supernatural play in the background (a comfort show to me), ive been trying different toys, and even tried watching porn (which didn’t really interest me because i was more intrigued by how different everyone’s bodies are, enamored with how people are able to let go & enjoy what is going on, andddd the tattoos that many of the people in the video had).

i’m not sure what i’m doing wrong, but i was hurt by my last relationship (the only guy ive been with) so im scared get back out there. i’m also worried that i’ll never be able to orgasm with where i’m at now and with what all i’ve tried.

i have been able to orgasm before with my ex so i know i’m able to, it’s just been over a year since and i’ve never tried or had success when doing it by myself.

it also might be important to note that these feelings (actually being turned out when i’m not hungry) have only recently come up. i’ve always considered myself to be heterosexual/attracted to men (only when i feel an emotional attachment to someone), though i’ve always had the thought that i could be bisexual, just haven’t met a woman who i’ve connected with like i normally do. i will say though, i have always said that i didn’t know if i could be sexually attracted to a female, just because “i can’t play with my own coochie, how would i know what to do with someone else’s??”.

recently, however, i have this new female coworker that i’ve had very deep chats with and who i keep thinking about. i’ve had a very high libido and basically have been turned on ever since i’ve connected with her emotionally. with my asd, i struggle with understanding my emotions and feelings… so with what i described that’s going on, would that mean im bisexual as well? i know this is something that i would have to determine… but i cant make heads or tails of what is going on, just because i’ve never felt like this.

i’m sorry this turned into a bit of a rant, but i’m too scared to admit what’s going on with me to my best friends… just in case i’m just misinterpreting since i can’t really tell what i’m feeling.

[HannahP]

Hi and welcome to the board, Imwinchester!

There's a lot going on here, but I think I understand how all the aspects are connected for you. Let's break it down into two topics: struggling to find pleasure while masturbating and feeling unsure about your sexual orientation. In both situations, maybe an overarching struggle to identify your feelings and sort out the good ones from the bad ones?

I hear that you're feeling confused and maybe a bit frustrated in both of these situations, but I also want to point out that you've been able to identify a bunch of specific things that you've been feeling in what you've written! It's super cool that you're able to break down the different things you've experimented with and how they've made you feel. You also were able to question how your past experiences have affected how you feel about dating in the future and how you feel about your new coworker. That's a lot of self-insight!

Let's focus on your coworker first. It sounds like you're feeling a lot of exciting and positive feelings related to her, both emotional and sexual. Yay! That's great. But you're not sure what those feelings mean for you when it comes to your sexual orientation in general? I want to direct you to this article we have about questioning your orientation:
Q is for Questioning. One of the big takeaways from that article is that you don't necessarily need to decide right now if you're bisexual or not and you especially don't need to decide what identity label you're going to carry forever. Right now, you know that you're a person who has experienced attraction to men in the past and for a woman right now — that is super useful information to have about yourself! If you want to read more examples of people who have been in a similar boat, we have this whole series about people questioning and coming to terms with their orientation: The Answers (for Now).

Now let's go back to the beginning of your question. It doesn't surprise me that it's hard to relax and enjoy masturbation when you're experiencing stress and confusion about what and who you're turned on by and some bad memories of your past experiences. I think you've had a great impulse to try and make your environment as comfortable and pleasant for you as possible. To me, it doesn't sound like you're broken or doing anything wrong — it sounds like you're doing a lot right but that you feel conflicted about the things that turn you on. Can you say more about why you feel bad about the books or thoughts that get you really turned on?

One thing that can be helpful if you often find that your mind is scattered and unfocused when you're trying to feel pleasure or if it keeps drifting to negative thoughts is to practice mindfulness. What that would look like is focusing your attention on your body and the sensations that you're feeling and if you notice your thoughts drifting, just gently turn them back without judgment. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in trying?