difficulty orgasming is effecting my relationship(s)

[mamamiaaaa]

hi! this is my first post here and i literally just joined so if my formatting or anything feels off (or reminiscent to another chat board website), please forgive me!!!

basically, i'm a 20 yo cis-woman (just providing context here!!) and i just got into my first ever relationship in april 2025. my boyfriend is a 23 yo cis-male and he takes SSRIs as well as adderall. since the beginning of our relationship, i have had trouble orgasming when we do stuff together. he is the first person i've ever been with, so i don't know if this is "normal" for me when i'm with someone else. i dont have any trouble finishing on my own, and i've been masturbating for 12-ish yrs, but consistently for the past 5-ish years. i have never orgasmed from penetrative sex with my boyfriend, and i don't know if i ever will. i understand that this is 'normal', and the majority of women cannot do this. but, here's the thing, my best friend can.

she just started having sex (literally lost her virginity, (term used in the context of having penetrative sex with someone else) last night) and from the beginning of her relationship with the guy that she is with now, she has had no issues orgasming when doing stuff with him. she often says stuff like "he made me cum so much that i started crying and i needed a break". and i should be happy for her!! i am happy for her!! but all of that happiness is shrouded by my woe is me attitude, which leaves me seething and thinking "that should be me". it doesn't help that i told her about my envy towards her body's ability to orgasm so often and so quickly when with someone else, since my body cannot do that, and she tells me about it. but that doesn't upset me that much, truly, since i know she is just having fun and telling her best friend about her experiences.

back to my boyfriend for a second, i mentioned that he is on medications because he also has issues orgasming. i have never made him orgasm on my own without his help, and we've been together for 6 months. this is a little bit of time, i know, and my inability to make him finish is probably also 'normal' (ish), but—again with the comparisons—my best friend's boytoy came when they had sex last night and it was mentioned with such ease. like she doesn't understand how much of a privilege this is in my eyes. and, honestly she might not.

i just wish that i had a 'normal' sex life and i feel like i've been dealt the wrong cards in life because my sex life doesn't look like what i think it should look like. i can't stop envying my best friend and being upset with her for something that neither of us can control. and i can't stop stressing about what my boyfriend and i get up to and trying to figure out ways to "fix" both of us.

i understand that talking about this in therapy and with my loved ones is probably the best bet, but i don't understand how to get over it and do work on my own! i have a therapy appointment in a couple of days but i can't stop stressing about this now and it is weighing on my day to day life.

is anyone else in a similar situation? what should i do/tell myself to encourage myself to feel better? anytime i have had this conversation with my boyfriend, it reminds him that he has issues orgasming completely and it isn't a very productive convo imo. and anytime i tell my best friend this all she says (and all she can say, really) is "i'm sorry"... which obviously doesn't help but i have to do the work on my own. i guess i'm just looking for any perspectives or advice or something!

[Heather]

Hey there, and welcome to the boards. <3 I'm sorry that you're feeling like this.

I want to start by telling you there is literally no such thing as a "normal" sex life. There are billions of people on the planet, with an incredibly wide diversity of sexualities, relationships, bodies, life histories and more, and as a result, the diversity of human sexuality is VAST. The closest we can get to "normal" are talking about things that are common, like for instance, how common it is for people with a vagina not to reach orgasm only from sex that only involves their vaginas, and how common it is for it to take a while for people who are new to each other sexually to learn how to be sexual together in ways that feel satisfying for both of them.

I strongly advise you to please stop comparing yourself to your best friend. Chances are good that there are also details here being left out -- for instance, is she really talking about JUST intercourse, or does the sex she is having include other kinds of sex and sexual interplay? might she also be confusing orgasm with high arousal? -- but even if they are not, you two are simply different people. If she is someone who does in fact orgasm from absolutely nothing going on but vaginal intercourse, she may be someone, for example, whose internal clitoris is larger than yours, whose external clitoris is closer to her vaginal opening, be a lot more turned on than you might be so far, or something else that's just different about her body or situation compared to yours or someone else's. Heck, she may even be exaggerating some of this, which actually sounds pretty likely. I do think, however, it's fair to ask her if she'd understand that you're actually struggling with this and to dial some of her cheering down around you for now. I bet she'll understand.

I also want to let you know that we don't actually "make" anyone orgasm, and when we are with a partner, it's always something we're doing together, whether together means a partner (or you) adding your own hands to the mix, or bringing a fantasy in their minds to the table, or just having an orgasm, period, since that's something a lot more about their body than yours, no matter what.

Can you tell me a little about how sex is between the two of you? For example, you say you reach orgasm just fine by masturbating: have you brought any of your own masturbation or what you know from it into sex with your boyfriend? That could look like showing him what you like to do for yourself, giving him information verbally, or masturbating while he does other things (which can include him masturbating, too!). You also talk about orgasm here, but I don't feel like I have any information about the pleasure you are or aren't experiencing, which usually needs to come before orgasm. Do you feel really turned on together? Do you feel comfortable having sexual responses with him? Do you enjoy what you have been doing? Does it feel good? Do you communicate about sex together, like telling each other what doers and doesn't feel good, what you want more or less of? Do you feel satisfied in the sex you are part of together separate from orgasm? Is it otherwise what you want or not so much? Often, when people are really having a great time, feeling super connected and otherwise satisfied, orgasm isn't that big of a deal: like, it's a nice addition, but when it doesn't happen it doesn't feel like something huge is missing, you know?

With more information like that I can probably help you arrive at some more answers.