frustrated

[purple_triangle]

this is related to my other thread but im feeling a lot of negative things and kinda just wanted to put them in their own place

basically im 19 and ive never orgasmed and when I have sex with my boyfriend I don't really mind, it just keeps feeling good until it stops, but right now im at college away from him and it's just frustrating me a lot. masturbation feels good at first but then it feels like it goes on way too long and I start to feel like im wasting my time. ive talked to my friends and they say they can finish within like 20-30 minutes but a few nights ago I killed my vibrator's three hour battery just trying to get close. with my boyfriend it'll reach a peak of good feelings and then drop down to just kinda meh with no release, and that's when I ask him to stop. I generally still have a ball of tension in my abdomen but it doesn't annoy me much, and afterwards we can cuddle and stuff so not orgasming isn't awful. but when im by myself it just feels like it keeps building and plateauing and never going anywhere and I alternate between getting too sensitive and feeling numb and usually when I finally taper off and end it I feel good, but still tense, and without cuddles or anything the tension is uncomfortable. but often afterwards I feel frustrated that it took me that long and I worry that it was a waste of time, and the time length is also really inconvenient because it means I can basically only masturbate on the weekends because otherwise I'm cutting into my homework time (I have 18 hours of classes this semester which is already tiring enough). I just wish I could actually orgasm or at least reach my "climax" within like half an hour so I can go back to regular life. also if I don't masturbate my arousal distracts me, and it does feel good for the first half hour to an hour, so I don't really want to stop masturbating, I just want to get better at it somehow. I know every body is different and stuff it's just hard to not feel like something is wrong with me.

[Carly]

Hey purple_triangle -- I responded to your other thread with more technical advice, and here I'm going to try to address the emotional side of what you're describing. I'm so sorry to hear that this is causing you to question yourself and if there's something wrong with you, as well as all the frustration you have in the moment when you're alone and when you're with your boyfriend. Why does orgasming feel so important to you right now? There is no right or wrong answer here, it can be as simple as "I want to feel good." I think sorting out exactly why often helps with ruminating frustration that can cause further distraction or difficulties masturbating. Why do you worry there was time wasted?

[purple_triangle]

Thank you for your responses! I want to feel good is the main thing yeah - I've heard it releases tension, and it makes you feel happier or calmer or other positive emotions. I worry about wasting time because I don't have a lot of free time this semester and I feel like I could be using that time better doing something else I enjoy.

[Mo]

Carly has a good point in your other thread that feelings of frustration generally put a huge damper on things, and make orgasm pretty difficult, so if you find yourself getting frustrated during masturbation, I think it may be helpful to decide at that point to stop and do something else for a bit. I hear you saying that the arousal is distracting, and I get that for sure, but I wonder if it wouldn't be better to be a little distracted than to get stuck in that frustration every time. Maybe it would be helpful to think of other things you could do that bring you joy or pleasure and pivot to something else if you find yourself feeling frustrated? It might help to make that something else physical that you like, so you're experiencing pleasure in your body in another way, but even if it isn't something very active it may be helpful to have a few ideas on hand for those moments when you're just feeling stuck and frustrated.

Is there some sort of emotional "aftercare" that might be helpful, too? It sounds like you get a lot from cuddling with your partner, and maybe there's something you could do for yourself that would offer a similar amount of reassurance or calm when you're done masturbating.

I wonder, too, if it might be helpful to try and reframe your masturbation time as being more about finding what feels good, and maybe trying out new things, than focusing solely on orgasm as an ultimate goal. I realize it can be easier to talk about this sort of reframing in the abstract than it is to apply it in person, but any time someone's feeling a lot of frustration about orgasm I think this change in approach has the potential to be helpful.
Yes, orgasm can feel really good, it can give a little mood boost or release the tension of sexual arousal, but I think sexual pleasure is valuable whether it leads directly to orgasm or not, and hanging too much on orgasm, in terms of expecting it to be this incredible and mind-blowing experience, can sometimes make the actual event a bit underwhelming when it does happen. Sometimes an orgasm is incredible and sometimes it's a little blip that you barely notice, so I think it's good for any kind of sex to be about a lot more than just that as an ultimate goal.

I do also want to say that many people your age haven't figured this out yet. It doesn't make it any less frustrating in the moment, I know, but the fact that you're struggling with this now doesn't mean you're doomed to struggle forever.