I’m 13 and I’m weird

[LisaRose]

Okay, so I’m only 13 years old but I accidentally found erotic books by accident when I was 11. It just started out as Spy Girl, a Romance spy novel that has gory and sexual content but then I loved it and started reading books that had waaaay more details. My family doesn’t know about it and I don’t want them to know yet but I’ve found myself wanting to actually experience all that more and more and I keep telling myself “Only five more years” but it’s really hard and even though I’m young I also started masturbating while reading those books and it’s the only way I get to ‘feel’ any of that and it’s only rubbing my clit. I’m sorry, I’m babbling buts it’s all true.

I just… have trouble waiting until I’m at least 17, even though I know I can’t until then. And I’m always scared that my parents are going to open up my Kindle and see all my books. And I have no trouble with my religion (don’t call me crazy but I’m a Daughter of Lilith, which includes sex magic ((not the reason I joined ) and it doesn’t put any restrictions or encourages certain behaviour).

Another weird thing is that I can’t sat the word sex outloud or even write it (I love writing books) but I have zero problem reading and imagining it.

I am also a bit too paranoid that my family is going to find out in a way that my own head doesn’t feel safe in their company. Even for just a car ride. They are very open minded and love me whatever happens and would accept me if I told them but I just can bare the thought.



I’m sorry if I write too much or if my thoughts are crazy but I just need guidance. I’m not the type to do anything drastic if I feel depressed/sad and I rarely act on my emotions but I just need a way to sort through my head.

[Sam W]

Hi LisaRose,

So, to start there's nothing weird or bad about enjoying or being curious about books with sexual content. That's actually a really common thing for people to explore as they start learning about or thinking about sex. When you say you'll have to wait until you're 17 to "experience it," can you say a little more about what you're referring to?

With those fears about your family finding out, would it help to talk about ways to make sure you're being careful with privacy? Or would it be more helpful talk about those fears and where they're coming from, since it sounds like you know your family is pretty accepting?

[LisaRose]

I just meant I'd have to wait until I'm 17 to lose my virginity.
I'm being super cautious about my privacy and my parents don't butt into it unless they have a good reason to.
I'm someone who puts someone's elses opinion as a important thing, and I don't want to be seen as weird or for my parents to look at me differently. I have no idea how they would react since nothing like that has ever happened and not to mention my sister who is extremely unpredictible.
I guess talking about my fears would help but's that's not your job and I won't go see a psycologist. So I'm stuck.

[Nicole]

Hi LisaRose,
I completely understand where you are coming from, but based on what you've said about your parents, they seem like they would understand your curiosity. They were teenagers once too and explored their sexuality in their own ways at some point in their lives. That being said, what would give you the impression that they would look at you differently? People at your age are going through puberty and there are many developmental processes that occur, especially with sexuality. I am sure your parents know this, right? Also, what's going on with your sister? Has she done anything that has "exposed" you in the past? Also, I want to assure you that we can most definitely listen to your fears and respond accordingly. That's our job! We are here for you!

[LisaRose]

At home I am allergic to anything that has to do with sex like the word itself or any mention of it in a movie. It was hard for my mom to teach me about it with all my cringing and ewww! moments. But I’m private I’m fine with it, sorta. So me telling them what is going on in my head is like Darth Vader breathing normally. As in .
As for my sister, the only problem is that I have no idea how she’ll react and I don’t usually not know what to expect from any situation so not knowing is something I do not like.
She’s not purposefully mean most of the time and she’s supportive I guess, it’s really just the unknown that scares me.

[Elise]

Hi there LisaRose, sorry to hear that you're finding things tricky at the moment.

Perhaps it might help to consider that whilst you take your time to feel comfortable with your own sexuality, that everyone has the right to privacy including you, and has their own internal thoughts that they don't share with others. It sounds like your parents broadly are supportive and open, which is great, however please be assured this doesn't mean that you need to share with them your fantasies or your sexual thoughts - these are things that people generally share with intimate partners and some people do talk to friends about them as well, but again here it is when the person is comfortable sharing it and does so of their own volition, in a space where they are comfortable. This might actually help you with the idea that you are "weird", the vast majority of people have intimate private thoughts, the reason that it can feel lonely or odd to have them is that by nature of being private and intimate, they aren't widely shared with others.

Hopefully this takes some of the pressure of about the "unknown", there is no inevitable future time when your parents will need to know or find out the contents of your sexual thoughts unless you tell them (do also make sure that if you are using shared computer equipment that you are cleaning up browser history and/or files that you don't want others to access), as there is no "big secret" that makes you different to other people in terms of having sexual thoughts and feelings that will need to be resolved. Even as people become more comfortable discussing sex in general with other people as they grow, this actually isn't the same thing as being comfortable talking about their personal sexual thoughts and activities with others, it isn't all or nothing? Does that make sense?

I hope this helps a bit, and if you have any thoughts, questions or curiosities about this, please don't hesitate to ask us and continue the conversation here if you feel comfortable.