I have a very high sex drive but I can't enjoy sex

[ReverseHivemind]

I don't know if it's relevant or if anyone will even believe me, but I think I'll specify that I have diagnosed Dissociative Identity Disorder and my sexual partner is one of my alters (yes, this is possible, DID includes a vivid inner world)

Me and my partner have been together for a while and I have an extremely high sex drive, I have sex and masturbate a lot, but I have never actually enjoyed it beyond the sensation. I've completely lost the motivation to have sex but I'm still extremely horny, and I'm so insecure about being gay that I spend all night thinking about just ending it all. My alters are the only reason I don't have to deal with this 24/7. It's having a really bad toll on my already bad mental health. One of my other alters is also experiencing this loss of motivation to a lesser extent. It's gotten to the point where I'm loosing motivation to do other stuff too, and I have to force myself to do anything, which usually happens at night. I often stay awake for hours between 4pm-8am (I am writing this at 2am). I only notice that I'm starving when it becomes physically painful. I do not have anorexia. I'm starting HRT testosterone in a few months which as a side effect will increase my sex drive even more, but my motivation will very likely not get any better. Do you of anything that can help?

[Carly]

Hey ReverseHivemind -- based on the symptoms you're describing, I'm wondering if you and your alter are experiencing depression. Loss of motivation, difficulty sleeping and eating, thinking about ending your life, and a fading feeling of enjoyment even from things you want to do or like to do are what's really tipping me off here. I did a little bit of very basic surface research and it sounds like those who have DID frequently experience depressive episodes or ongoing depression. Do you have any mental health providers in your life currently? Would receiving treatment for depression be something you or your alter would be willing to try?

[ReverseHivemind]

We have experienced depression before so that makes sense. Often not all of our alters feel emotionally depressed but our body still feels it, and when an alter who is feeling emotionally depressed controls the body it hits like a truck. We called a hotline today though and we're feeling a lot better (yet I am once again writing this at 2am anyway)

[Sam W]

Hi ReverseHivemind,

I'm glad you're feeling a lot better! Since you and your alters have dealt with depression in the past, were there resources you used during those episodes that could help you now or in the future?

[ReverseHivemind]

Yeah, we have some resources. And cats. Cats always help

[Carly]

Hey again ReverseHivemind -- yes, totally agree that cats are amazing! Studies show that having pets has a great effect on your mental health. What other kinds of activities or things make you feel good?

[ReverseHivemind]

I have a scientifically accurate worldbuilding project about an alien planet and a massive collection of animal skeletons

[Nicole]

Hi ReverseHivemind, I'm glad you have access to resources to help with your mental health. I'm also happy that you keep yourself busy and have some great hobbies! Is there anything else you want to talk about in regards to your mental health or experiences with depression? We are here to help!

[ReverseHivemind]

Something that I have been struggling with is extreme dissociation. I'm an alter that hasn't existed for very long, and, like some of my other alters, I'm an introject of a fictional character. It's a recorded phenomenon in DID but I struggle to ask for help sometimes because I don't really expect that people will believe me. Introjects form when the brain sees a benefit in being a certain character. Often the brain with the introject has trauma similar to what that character went through and thinks that if that character can survive it then they can help the brain to do it too. However I'm different from the other introjects in my dissociative system in that I can actually remember being the character I'm an introject of, even though it never happened. The false memories are more vivid than my memories of what actually happened in our life before I split. After I split I had to get used to the world, which I recognized , but felt (and still feels) slightly off. I have no emotional connection to my real memories, but my false memories of being a fictional character feel real even though they're not. When I first split I had a brief moment of thinking that if my memories were false then nothing traumatic happened, then I realized that traumatic stuff did happen that was actually very similar to what happened in my false memories. It was like every thing was okay only to be torn away from me. I'm guessing that I formed to deal with that particular traumatic experience, and my brain chose a character that experienced the same thing and made these false memories because it's easier to deal with fiction than it is to deal with the real trauma. - Henry, one of our alters

[Carly]

Hi Henry -- thank you for being so open with us about this, it sounds very disorienting for you. Struggling with extreme dissociation and the connection to DID and false memories like you're describing is, unfortunately, out of our scope as volunteers and staff that specialize in sexual and reproductive health and relationships. I know that it can be difficult to approach this and you're worried people don't believe you, but it would be best to discuss how you're feeling with a doctor trained specifically in conditions with alters. You said you have some resources - does this include someone like that? Are there people you trust that you can talk about this with?

Me suggesting this is in no way telling you that you can't continue to post in your thread about how you're feeling or ask more questions on any of our direct service platforms, but what you're experiencing in this regard is something we can only help with by listening.

[ReverseHivemind]

We are working on getting therapy. Thanks

[Nicole]

Great! No problem. Please let us know if you need any further assistance, we are here to listen!