i hate it when boys fancy me

[Lyle Lanley]

they don’t see me as i am. they just see “a cute girl”. maybe one they can treat like a doll and use to their liking. it’s always like this.

i’m a mixed queer boy. and i’m fat too. and i also have two partners. no idea why i only attract these types of people, i must be doing something wrong. never has a girl or nonbinary individual acted this way with me. if they did, maybe i’d tolerate it, but with these boys, i can’t.

i’ve already had avances by 4 boys in the span of these two years. and most of the time it ended up with something bad happening to me, non consensual. one of them has been my friend for a long time and he has tried to hide his crush on me, but it was obvious. to the point that he nearly molested me when i thought he’d be over it.

all these boys have only seen me for my body and maybe for the fact that i’m as smart as them (maybe even more, it’s easy when your competition has the maturity of a potato). and i hate it. they’re the same people who would start to hate me if i came out and/or unmasked. i couldn’t tell most of them that i am taken, cos most of them are sons of my parents’ friends and the word could spread. and if i ranted about my special interests they could get annoyed. like, very annoyed. one of these boys used to mansplain communism and wars to me and entire convos would go on like this, but i couldn’t open my mouth more than once or twice about my favourite band.

the worst part is, i let them keep on with this shit, i can’t be rude to them for some reason. when i definitely could be. i could scream at them, throw things, be icy, and yet i don’t. even if the idea of them thinking certain things about their “interpretation” of me is utterly disgusting. i should enjoy my “fame”. yet i don’t.

is this related to my aspec identity, my queerness, or what? is it normal, maybe i'm just overreacting? my mum says i'm being presumptuous.

[Sam W]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

I think the most likely answer to why you're feeling this way is that, so far, boys being interested in you results in you being harassed or otherwise made to feel crummy in some way. Too, as you've pointed out, their interest in you seems to be directed at a version of that you don't feel is your authentic one. Even if all these guys had been really respectful in their interest, it still might have been a negative experience because of the conflict between what they see and who you really are.

Given all that, I don't think it's silly or presumptuous to have a negative reaction when a guy is interested in you. If nothing else, it's your brain reacting to the pattern that's gone before and trying to protect you from negative experiences, you know?

I will say that a reason why you may have these experiences with boys and not girls or nonbinary folks is that, sadly, a lot of boys are still socialized to feel like their desires override those of people they perceive as women or like they're entitled to those people's time or bodies. Now, obviously, that's not the case with all men, and there are plenty of men who learn to be respectful even if they do grow up with those messages. But I think that may explain why so far it's only been boys who've acted this way.