friends with benefits but with strings attached

[gizmoX]

This is my second topic but it's about the same guy.

I am confused on how all this happened. To be friends with a boy since 6th grade, a boy who is openly gay, and yet now we are having sex like ALL THE TIME. We first had sex because he just wanted to know what a vagina felt like, and now we have hit a point where we both just enjoy having sex together but only as friends. He is not my boyfriend because he prefers boys, and I am not his girlfriend because he prefers boys, and yet sex is like a constant thing between us.
We both want to do this friends with benefits thing, and the sex with him is great and fun and I am not going to say no to this idea. BUT he doesn't want my friends to know and yet he wants to tell his new boyfriend about us. He wants to tell him because he doesn't want to keep me a secret, but I am worried that maybe something else will come out of this.
So, is it normal for somebody to have two partners at once? Is it normal for sex partners to be open and not keep another partner a secret?
To be honest, what I am thinking is that I am going to find myself in a 3-way. I don't know what to think about that. I am sure I am jumping the gun, but that is what's on my mind.
And I still worry about my mom with her finding out. He is allowed in my bedroom because he is gay, no other boys are allowed, and I am afraid of my mom figuring it out. We don't have sex when she is home, but she will figure it out eventually.

[Nicole]

Hi gizmoX,

It's great to hear from you again! Yes, it's possible for someone to have two partners at once, as well as for the partners to be aware of each other's existence. I think the best course of action here is to discuss boundaries with him. I know you expect that this will turn into a three-way, but do you want it to turn into a three-way?

Also, what is your main concern with your mom finding out about your sexual relationship with him? What do you think will be the consequences? Maybe we can brainstorm what you can say in case she approaches you about it? Please let us know!

Here is some more information on having two or more partners at once, often called polyamory, if you are interested in learning more about it: A First Polyamory Guide.

[gizmoX]

So, polyamory is a new word for me.

I think he is leaning towards having a poly relationship, I haven't asked about it, but I think he is leaning towards it. His new boyfriend is from our school, and I do know of him but I don't know him. But I know he wants to tell him about us so that way the three of us can be honest together, he doesn't want a secret to destroy his new relationship, and I can understand that.

The 3-way just hit my mind I guess. We didn't talk about it, but I did think about it. I don't know what my boundaries are, I don't know where I fit in. I do know that my boundaries have changed quite a bit lately.

Part of me is afraid of asking questions because I don't want to seem so curious about it. But the way he asked if it was okay if he could have sex with another just made me think that he was curious if I wanted to join in. Or maybe I am reading him all wrong.

And part of me is asking myself how do I keep 2 boys a secret? Yea, I am bit curious, lol!

As for my mom, she still thinks I am a virgin. My mom is VERY protective of me, we have had that sex talk a thousand times and I have been told to wait a million times. I think her finding out that I am having sex is going to cause a big problem. The friendship between me and him would be done for, I know that much. And now I am having sex in my own bed, and just hiding used condoms is becoming a worry for me.

[Sam W]

Hi gizmoX,

Since polyamory is a new concept for you, how do you feel about, both in general and as it applies to your current relationship?

Too, as I touched on in my answer to your other thread, it may be time to slow down on some of the sex stuff, especially if hiding that it's happening is getting harder and harder to do.

[Heather]

Hey, gizmo, I want to also just mention something you said that caught my attention:

I am going to find myself in a 3-way

No kind of sex should ever feel like something that we "find ourself in," or that happens to us, rather than something we are intentionally and informedly choosing, and are just an active part of as anyone else involved.

Whenever it feels like our sexual lives or relationships are places where we don't really feel like we are 100% driving our own car anymore, that's a really clear signal we need to press a big pause, figure out why, and not get back on the wheel of them until we can change that dynamic. In this and your other post, I hear what very much sounds like things feeling out of your control, and potentially being pushed at you -- or sought out by you -- too fast for you to even have and take the time and space to know what you really need and want, including your own boundaries, and only be doing things you feel really great about not just during, but well after.

Know what I mean?

There are two pieces we have here on the site that come to mind as probably really helpful for you in all this, and I'd really encourage you to read them with yourself in mind:
• Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast
• When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead)

Happy to talk with you about any of what comes up for you after you read them!