just want to talk about me being a trans girl

[Estobawk]

So I've been seriously thinking about and talking about my gender identity for about a year now, but a couple months ago I decided to fully come out as being trans (boy to girl). I'm really lucky to be in a school with lots of LGBTQ+ people who have been really supportive and helping me figure this out, and my parents/step-mom have been accepting and supporting (though I wouldn't really call my mom an 'ally,' she's not hateful and is perfectly willing to discuss and accept my gender, at least so far).

I want to start exploring being trans, but I just don't know what to do, where to start. I have started socially transitioning with a new name and pronouns, and some of my friends have given me some clothes to try, which I like wearing, but I don't really know where to go from here. Being neurodivergent I find a lot of ordinary things people usually take for granted to be really difficult, and I'm just outright completely unaware about a lot of them or how to do them.

I'd also like to say that all the things (gender, sexuality, relationships, platonic friendships) are all very closely associated with each other in my head. It's hard for me to not talk about one of those things in-depth without talking about the other stuff.

[Sam W]

Hi Estobawk,

We'd be happy to talk with you about this! I'm really glad to hear that you're in a community and home that a relatively safe; that can make exploring your gender and/or transitioning a lot easier.

It sounds like you're already doing some of the social transition steps I'd recommend, which is awesome! If you're looking for some other things that can be a part of social transition, this piece from our Trans Summer School might (including the "if you can't be out yet" section, since it talks about subtler changes that might affirm someone's gender): Trans Summer School: Gender Expression Gear.

Beyond that, I think it could help to start with this question: when you think about your gender, what aspects of it feel the most exciting to you, or like the things you most want to do? That could be activities, ways of dressing, how you or others refer to you, and so on.

[Estobawk]

I really like the idea of being pretty, with a dress and long hair (and breasts). I want to have a pretty, girly smile, i just don't feel comfortable smiling with the face i have.

Spending time and talking with my friends, (mostly girls and LGBTQ people) is really affirming for me. I really think about my gender alot too. I get lots of gender envy towards my feminine friends.

Gender envy and finding someone attractive is very similar for me. The whole aspect of attraction, falling in love, relationships, and sexuality feels like an important part of it. I feel trans in a kinda lesbian way if that makes sense.

But just being in the community is also something that seems really cool and I want that. I was actually hesitant at first to accept i was trans because I really wanted something to have in common with my gay and trans friends and I thought i might just have been looking too hard for that.

I really like having a pretty name and others saying it in a pretty way. I think she/her pronouns are pretty too. I want to talk in a pretty way, not my gruff teenage boy voice.

I want to explore a lot of the LGBTQ community, the things my friends like, and stuff like that. Recently I've been very intrigued by gothic art and darker music (not punk metal). I've had some vivid images in my head that I just want to get out into the world in art, i just don't really know how to do that.

[Sam W]

It sounds like you have some really strong images and feelings about how you'd like you gender to look, which is great! I totally get what you mean about gender envy and attraction; "do I want to be her or be with her" was a running joke in a lot of LGBTQ online spaces when I was growing up (and probably still is).

I think exploring more of the LGBTQ community is a great idea! Since it sounds like you're curious about some of the things you're friends like, can you kind of ask them to guide or introduce you to those spaces or pieces of media so you can check them out?

It sounds like some of the other kinds of gender presentation you like might be accessible to you, such as growing your hair out or getting more dresses or other very feminine clothes. Since you mention your voice in particular, did you know there are actually folks who specialize in gender affirming vocal therapy? https://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodi ... raffirming

[Estobawk]

No, I didn't really know about vocal therapy. How does it work?

I feel pretty strongly about things like gender or wanting to be in a relationship for a week or two and then it just goes away and I'm left feeling empty. I think part of that is not really being able to spend time regularly with other people like me, in person. That's particularly hard with winter and summer.
So I kinda want to be able to be a part of the community somehow, I just have no idea what to do. I could try asking my friends to introduce me to some of that stuff, but beyond that I don't know.

I've been trying to grow my hair out for several months now. It just feels so slow. And I had a haircut at the start of the school year and they went really short, which honestly kinda helped me come out as trans because I looked in the mirror and felt a lot of dysphoria from it. I just don't know how or when or what to do to take care of it.

And yes, I REALLY want a dress.

[Sam W]

Renee kind of goes into it the article, but basically it's a process of learning to modify your way of speaking (most of us just kind of have a "default" way of talking) to better reflect your gender identity.

When it comes to finding community, I do think asking your friends is a good starting place. As for other places to look or things to try, is there an LGBT community center anywhere nearby? Or any sort of GSA/QSA at school?

I wonder, with your hair, what if you started by looking at sites like Teen Vogue, Autostraddle, or even on youtube for tutorials or advice on managing and styling your hair at it's current length and as it gets longer? That would help you with taking care of it and with finding ways of styling shorter hair that might be gender affirming.

As far as the dress goes, is that something your mom could buy for you?

[Estobawk]

I'm not sure how to use or get into the voice therapy, but it sounds really cool.
I'm wondering how I could find some place like that for queer youth that I might like if that makes sense.
For my hair, i haven't even thought about going online for a tutorial or styling guide or something. I have no idea how to follow or our more importantly get anything i might need like a hairbrush or conditioner or something like that. I do happen to go to a little barber shop for all my haircuts that's staffed by a few queer folk and is inclusive. I'm hoping they can help me with my hair next time I go in a month.

I dunno how to get a dress, I'm not sure how to have my mom buy one that I would like, and I'm also really concerned about being able to take care of it or where I can organize my clothes. I really don't know how I'm supposed to take care of and wash clothes, in general.

And speaking of clothes, I've been getting since more light, soft shirts to wear that I don't feel awkward in but still feel very comfortable and make me feel just a bit more feminine. Pants are a struggle though. I've been interested in buying some leggings or something, but it's also kinda scary and uncomfortable. Not to mention the problem which is a certain bulge between my legs (part of realizing i was trans actually came because my bulge had always been dysphoric. I'm curious if you have any advice to make that more comfortable?)

I feel very confident at this point in being a girl, i want to be a girl and I want to start transitioning. I just really struggle with being independent at this point. I don't know how to buy anything and i really struggle to take proper care of myself. I haven't ever been able to learn those things until very recently and I don't know how to now. I'm hoping the motivation of becoming a girl can help me but it's really hard when i don't know how to even start.

[Sam W]

I hope that barbershop works out! When it comes to finding a specific queer space that you like, one option would be to start by researching what queer spaces are available to you. You could do a web search of "queer" and your location, or something like "LGBT resources near me." Once you have a list of those spaces, you could start selecting which ones look promising or interesting and figuring out ways to visit them.

It's sounding like what you need in order to transition is interlocking with what you need to do in order to start learning how to be independent. That makes sense, since you're at an age where a lot of people start figuring out how to do things on their own. I think there are a few ways to address that. To start, how comfortable do you feel asking your mom for help in learning some of those skills, like doing laundry or shopping for basic care products?

Another thing that might help is to get yourself a few decent reference books on how to navigate and learn these things. Those could be more general "life skills" books or ones aimed specifically at teen girls. If that approach sounds good to you, we can brainstorm some books that could be good starting places.

With the dysphoria around your bulge, what some trans women do is use tucking panties or "gaffs" as a way of making that part of their body less prominent (you can read about that here: https://www.pointofpride.org/blog/gaffs ... omfortably). There's an increasing number of underwear sellers who offer them, and there's also a lot of tutorials on how to make them yourself (https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.co ... -that-this).

[Estobawk]

I've been trying to learn from my mom some things around the house, but I'm not sure how I feel about shopping for things with her. Shirts i can do, pants less so, body care stuff too. Not very comfortable doing that with my dad either. The thing is, i don't have a job and money yet, and i don't know how to shop and I'm kinda scared of trying. And obviously actual body care is something i'm not comfortable doing with them. I really want to start doing these thongs independently, but it's so scary and outside of my comfort zone and i have no idea how to do it or where to start. It's something i can get pretty emotional about honestly. I remember stirring in my bed crying and feeling like i was so helpless.

I might like to get a book or two, but I've never been big on taking in information through reading. So I'll try it. And ones aimed for girls sounds so... Awesome. And almost wrong. I feel like I'm in the wrong body, like i want to be a girl, but when I'm thinking about it sometimes i feel like an imposter, like...

Like an intruder. An intruder in the world of femininity, and that thought disgusts me. I think that is one of the things that is hardest for me. It's so hard to express myself, to embrace my femininity, to explore what it means to be a girl, not because I'm afraid i won't be accepted, not because it's uncomfortable or embarrassing, not because I'm not a girl, but because of that feeling. It's something that constantly weighs down on me. I'm not sure how to describe it best. My words are probably inaccurate, but there have been no words at all for so long and i just need to put it down somewhere. I feel like i can actually communicate that feeling right now in some meaningful way. I'm going to stop before i overthink it and delete it all.


I don't absolutely hate my penis, in fact i like it in some ways. I do hate how intrusive it is in so much. Wearing pants feels like I'm constantly self-concious about it. I hate how hairy the area is, i hate looking in the mirror and imagining my body with pretty breasts, a pretty dress, only for it to be ruined by my dick. So the idea of 'tucking' is pretty appealing, at the very least to not have to worry quite as much in my pants (the more I've used it the more i dislike the word pants).. Is there anything more you can tell me about it?
One more thing - I'm curious about people talking about stuffing socks into a bra and wearing it to look like they have breasts. Anything you can tell me about that?

Sorry, this one was long and has a lot of stuff. The words came kinda easily to me so i kinda just went along with whatever my brain was spewing.

[Sam W]

You know, before we touch on the more practical stuff, I want to address those feelings of being an imposter or intruder. In my experience, femininity or "womanhood" is still defined narrowly enough by a lot of people--even well meaning people--that it can leave a lot of us feeling like we're doing it wrong or like we're faking our way through it. Trans women get an even rougher version of that because there are small but vocal chunks of the world that are hell-bent on excluding them and framing them as impostors.

One way of thinking about it for yourself might be that, because there's no qualification for being a woman other than feeling like one, there's not actually a way to be an intruder in that world. Because it's a world that, by default, includes you, you know?

When it comes to taking in new information, is there a form of getting that information that tends to work best for you, like videos or audiobooks? I'm actually thinking it might make sense for you to access something like the Care and Keeping of You books or other content aimed specifically at guiding young women through puberty, because they'll touch on things like the grooming that feels unfamiliar to you.

As far as tucking goes, the main thing to focus on is comfort and safety; for instance, you never want to try and use tape to tuck, and if you're choosing underwear to make your own tucking panties you want to avoid scratchy things like lace. If you can't find or afford tucking panties or a gaff, tight bikini bottoms can actually work really well.

With bras, some people do just go the old-school direction and stuff a bra with socks or tissues to create a shape. But! There's actually bra inserts or breast forms that are very accessible and can create a more "natural" looking chest. With both the bras and the tucking supplies, if cost is an issue, do you want to talk about some resources that might be able to get you them for free?

[Estobawk]

Alright, can we talk about the practical stuff first?
I don't have much else to say right now. Can we go over some of those books, gaffs, bras and inserts?

[Sam W]

Of course!

As far as books go, some to check out would be The Trans Teen Survival Guide and A Smart Girls Guide: Body Image could both be good starting places, and you could check to see if your library has audio versions of them if reading them doesn't feel like the right call. Depending on how comfortable you feel, you could also go to the nearest library (or search their catalogue online) to see what they have in the teen non-fiction section around puberty, self-presentation, grooming, and that sort of thing.

If videos are more your style, you could see if anything on AMAZE gives you the information you're after (they have a decent amount of content on puberty, which can often go into those grooming details: https://amaze.org/video/puberty-taking- ... g-puberty/). You could also go even more granular and get on Youtube to search for tutorials or explanations of specific things (for instance, I'm betting if you search "how to care for long hair" you'd get a lot of videos).

For bras, there's a really basic overview of how to pick them and how to care for them here: Trans Summer School: Gender Expression Gear. I also like this VERY detailed guide from Autostraddle: https://www.autostraddle.com/the-bra-is ... obs-77172/. Breast forms or inserts aren't all that complicated; they're a piece of material (like silicone) that you set against your chest when you're wearing a bra to create cleavage and to fill in the material of the bra.

As for tucking, here are the basic steps (I adapted them from this guide: https://sockdrawerheroes.com/pages/tucking)

1. Gather your tucking supplies (tucking underwear AKA gaff) . Put these on and pull them up to your knees.

2. Use two or three fingers to tuck each testicle up into each corresponding inguinal canal. This should not be painful. If you feel pain, stop and try again later. Some people choose not to tuck the testicles up into the inguinal canal. If you prefer, you can position the testicles back and to the sides. If using this method, choose underwear that's wide enough to keep anything from, well, spilling out the sides.

3. Next pull the penis and scrotum backwards between the legs. This should help keep the testicles tucked up if using this method.

4. Put on your underwear to keep everything in place.

Tucking may be a bit uncomfortable, but it shouldn't be painful. If you feel any pain or discomfort, stop tucking and give yourself a break. Try tucking in comfort at home, where you can easily untuck if needed, until you get used to it.

[Estobawk]

I just don't know how to get any of this stuff. And it's definitely not something I'd be comfortable asking parents about. I just get so frustrated when people are like "oh just get this" like how am I supposed to know how, especially when I don't have a job and money yet? Sorry not trying to be rude, just not sure how else to put it.

Sorry, I think the isolation over winter break is kinda getting to me. The longer I'm away from friends and people I like talking then the more irritable and moody I get it seems.

Hope you and the rest of the Scarleteen staff have a happy new year!

[Carly]

Hey Estobawk -- I'm sorry this is so frustrating. You mentioned your parents and step-mom have been generally accepting and supportive. I also saw you said that you're not comfortable asking them for help with getting stuff like this. Are you able to pinpoint why that might be? For example, are you worried about their reactions even though they've been mostly ok with everything? What comes to mind when you think about it? If you can tell us a little bit more about how you're feeling having the conversation or anything else about your family dynamics, we can try to brainstorm solutions with you.

[Estobawk]

I'm just not comfortable asking them, for example, "hey how can I buy a bra"
I really don't feel comfortable just being myself around them. Not because I'm afraid of how they'd react, mostly. I just am not.

[Sam W]

It's totally okay if you don't feel comfortable asking them for it yet! I think we touched on this previously, but sometimes friends can help you get a hold of certain gender affirming equipment (usually clothes more that things like gaffs), so that may be an option if you don't have money.

Another option we could talk about is how get some gender affirming stuff through funds that are built specifically to help trans folks do that for free. If that sounds like a useful option, we can find some funds or organizations for you to contact.

[Estobawk]

Sorry i have been busy with new years and back to school and kinda forgot about this for a while.

I'm going to have my friends help me find some things i like to wear, but I'm not sure how to get things like bras or gaffs.

I'm also curious about HRT. I don't really want to start that right away but it's something I'd like to learn about. I had a referral to a doctor who knows about that, but I'm kind of nervous and unsure about it

I would also like to talk about some anxiety i have over my friends, relationships, and being attracted to people which is very closely related to my gender identity and that stuff, if you wouldn't mind.

[Mo]

Hopefully, the doctor you have a referral to can answer some of your HRT questions. Going in for an appointment definitely doesn't mean you must start HRT, or that you have to do so right away, but it may help clarify some things for you. We do also have an article with some information on that here.

We can certainly talk about the anxiety you're feeling right now; what's on your mind?

[Estobawk]

I have a lot of, for lack of a better word, anxiety, around a lot of my friends.
I struggle to talk to them a lot of the time because of it. I'm very anxious and nervous about hanging out or doing anything with them. And the reasons for that are so... big and huge in my mind that it's impossible to really explain fully. In a single word, it is femininity.

I am attracted to girls and feminine people, and I also strongly identify myself with that. The moment it really clicked with me that I might be trans was when a girl I was attracted to was walking by and I realized I felt gender envy just as much as attraction towards her.

I really want to be close to people, to have involved friendships, relationships, and connections with other people. I feel a lot of anxiety because a lot of the time I feel like my friends aren't really friends, people I am close to in some way, but just someone I say 'hi' to occasionally and maybe have a conversation with some of them every once in a while. I see them go home or somewhere else together after school, they know each other well, know what they're doing / where they are, stuff like that, and I feel helplessly alone and left out. I feel like I don't know how to be / have friends. I don't know how to become that kind of friends with someone. But I very much want to get to know them better. So there's where some of that anxiety comes from.

My gender, femininity, sexuality, attraction, relationships, connections, they all are just intertwined in my head. And it's not necessarily that I don't want it to be that way. I feel like I'm just the sort of person where gender, love, relationships, friendships, and all the things are just fluid with each other.

They're girls, feminine, gay, loving people. I see so, so much of what I so desperately wish I could just wake up one day as in them. They are attractive too because of all that, and I feel so anxious, nervous, hesitant, and awkward around them I think because of this. But not really because I am emotionally attracted to them, or I'm awkward because they're physically, sexually attractive, or that I have feelings. I just... do. But I also do feel like I would want to explore having feelings and all that. And it's just so convoluted in my head when I very strongly want to have close, perhaps intimate friendships with people. I also do really want to experience a romantic and sexual relationship. And all this is so closely tied to my feminine identity - which those very same friends represent to me and have helped me so much in exploring it so far, but I feel stuck because of this anxiety.

I feel... deeply uncomfortable / anxious around expressing myself femininely, expressing myself romantically, or sexually. I really want to explore and do those things though. That's another anxiety.

I just wish I could wake up one day with a jacket, a light shirt, a dress, a pair of leggings, a flower in my hair and a smile on my face in the body of a girl, with gorgeous breasts, without having to worry about any bulges between my legs, and I wish I could just walk and talk like a girl and be with my gay friends as one of them, I wish I would fall in love with one, or two, or all of them. And it's not that I feel like I can't become that girl, I just feel so crushingly anxious to even try.

[Carly]

Hey Estobawk -- I think you did a really good job explaining how intertwined this all is for you. I'm sorry this is all feeling so fraught and hard right now. What I'm hearing is that your discomfort expressing your femininity the way you'd like to or wish you could is a mental blockage to having the kinds of relationships/connects that you want. I'm wondering if you're feeling anxious around the friends you do have because there's a reminder that you're still working on figuring out how to express your most authentic self. Am I on to something here? Is there a specific worry you have socially? I know that can be hard to pin down exactly, especially when everything is so connected for you. I'm wondering, could there be some anxiety coming up from feeling like you're still working on figuring out some stuff about your identity? Do you ever think people just have everything more together than you do? I might be totally off base, but I think it would be really helpful to specifically name what the blockage is.

Also, you might have mentioned this, but are you seeing a therapist or getting any mental health care right now? Tell us a little bit about how you've been emotionally supported as you move through transitioning.

[Estobawk]

My parents are supportive and I have a therapist who I see roughly once a month who I'm out to. My friends are amazing and extremely supportive as well, so I consider myself pretty lucky (especially for living in Utah)


I think you described pretty well some of what I've been feeling. I feel uncomfortable to try and be myself and explore feminine things around other feminine people who I can't help but feel are just so much more feminine than myself. They are physically attractive and they are intellectually stimulating, so I feel like my train of thought gets confused over being friends or exploring more romantic things.

I guess I just don't really have much distinction in mind between being feminine / being with feminine friends and expressing myself in a more... flirtatious?, sexual way / being more romantic, emotional, or sexual with my friends, if that makes sense. And that I feel very uncomfortable to be that way in part because I feel stuck in a less feminine version of myself and my body along with just not having any experience there at all.
I also really want to explore those things with another person(s), but it's something I take kind of seriously for lack of a better word, and I really just feel quite awkward and uncomfortable to even feel that way around my friends: because they are attractive but I don't necessarily have feelings for them but I feel like if I wanted to I could have those feelings but I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable but I kinda do want to be that way with them but I don't want to intrude on any of their own things. And of course just doing that is gonna be uncomfortable and challenging like anything the first time you do it, but all of these things combine to just make me second-guess myself, hesitate, and creates that 'blockage.'

[Sam W]

Hi Estobawk,

I totally understand how that tangle of feelings is creating that blockage, especially when it's also tied up in gender stuff for you. I wonder if it might help to take some time to articulate for yourself what those relationship dynamics would look like if you could snap your fingers and have them be exactly how you wanted. What would a more emotional dynamic involve? A romantic one? A sexual one?

I do want to note that one of my favorite terms I ever learned from a user here was "flirtationship," which I think is a great way of describing the fact that some people can and do have very flirty relationships with their friends that have that playfulness/closeness without necessarily leading to dating. So, it's possible that you could explore more flirtation in your friendships, assuming everyone is on the same page about it.