Dealing with mixed feelings after being dumped

[alwayssnape]

Hi everyone, I am pretty new to this forum and am unsure what to expect. I wanted to gain some insight/advice on my current situation.

So a little over a month ago, I downloaded some dating apps to try and put myself out there since I have never been in a long term relationship, and I wanted to try more in the dating realm. Within 2 days of downloading the apps, I matched with someone that I felt I had an instant connection with. Within the same day, we had made plans for a date (they rescheduled because they were sick, but we saw each other the week after) and it was the best first date we had both been on (we both admitted this to each other at the end of the night)

Date 1 started off as a coffee chat, but I felt we were having such a good time I suggested we grabbed dinner, they agreed, and we spent the entire day together. Date 2 happened a few weeks later, because I had gotten sick, and we were both super busy with school. They were reaching out via text every day with good morning texts, and random texts throughout the day to show interest. All was going well.

Date 2 was movie and a dinner, again, we were enjoying each other's company so much that I offered to extend the date and go to the park, to which they agreed, and we spent all day together once again.

I am a very straightforward person and told my date several times that I am not looking to waste my time and I want to ensure we are on the same page. They agreed and our communication was great.

Date 3 happened a couple days after date 2, since we had more time off. They came over to my place for a movie/video game night, whereby we got a little more intimate and close. Had a great time. However, by the end of the date, they mentioned having to leave soon (not typical of their behaviour) and I said okay no worries, and they left home after spending several hours at my place.

I had a gut feeling something was off, but I wasn't sure what.

I texted them a couple hours later to let them know I had a good time, to which they responded they did too. Then, a couple hours later, I got a lengthy text from them.

They essentially let me know they really enjoyed our past dates, but they were thinking about my desires to be in a committed relationship and not wanting to waste my time. They said they were thinking about that and because they respect it, they think we should not see each other anymore. They told me they came out of a very toxic relationship and were emotionally hurt by it, whereby they thought they were ready for a LTR, but realized they were not. They said it was unfair to me to lead me on while they work on their own issues. They reassured me nothing was my fault, I am a great person, and that I deserve to be with someone who is ready.

Obviously, I was pretty bummed to read their message but fully respected their decision and responded accordingly. I will say, they had mentioned their ex a couple times throughout our dates (and even apologized for it) and I found out they were together for over 2 years.

Now, I can't help but wonder what to do. I really had a genuine connection with this person, and I know they felt the same because we both mentioned it throughout our dating for a little over a month. I don't want to disrespect their boundaries, so I am obviously giving them space. However, I cannot help but wonder if maybe down the road we could reconnect again, because I know they really liked me, and I also really like them. I know most people's advice is to start dating again and see what's out there, but I honestly cannot help but feel like we had such a good connection, that there is something worth salvaging here.

My plan right now is to stay single and focus on myself, but I wanted to see what other people thought of my situation and hear any advice I could get for the future. Is reconnection possible? Considering they ended things, should I simply let them make any moves to reconnect, and if they don't, take it as an answer and move on?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Nicole]

Hi alwayssnape,

Welcome to the boards! I’m really sorry that this happened to you. I actually have a friend who went through an extremely similar situation. It went the same way—meeting on a dating app, having a bunch of great dates, the person dropping the “I’m not ready for a long term relationship because of a previous relationship” bomb, and so on. I’m happy to hear that you’re respecting their boundaries and giving them space—you’re doing all the right things—but I know how bad this hurts. The fact that they were on a dating app and kept going on dates with you despite you expressing your desire for commitment does kind of rub me the wrong way, if that makes sense. It could also be that they needed some time to think about moving forward with a committed relationship since they did mention that they have some issues to work through. Again, I’m just speculating. Did they ever tell you what they wanted out of this?

You mentioned reconnecting with them after some time, which is exactly what my friend did. Turns out, she kind of lost interest in them after they gave it a second go, partially out of discomfort from the first experience. However, based on what you told us, it seems like this person really went about this without the intention of hurting you. I just want to make sure that they really meant what they said about the past relationship rather than just using it as an excuse for something else. With that, I think your plan sounds good. You have a lot of self-awareness, which is really admirable! Let me know if anything I said resonates with you.

[alwayssnape]

Hi Nicole,

It is very refreshing to hear that other people went through a similar experience. When your friend reached out, I am assuming the other person said yes, they tried again, and from what I gather your friend lost feelings?

In my case, I really have no doubts that this person is not using this an excuse to get out of a relationship with me. During our several dates, we already both talked about our friends, family, and got very deep with each other. They even said that they mentioned me already to their parents on our last date, so it was all pointing in the direction of commitment. They never pushed me to be more intimate than I was comfortable with, and more often than not, I was the one initiating deeper intimacy because I knew they were respectful and did not want to offend me.

To answer your question, when I expressed to them my desires of no casual hookups, they agreed with everything I said. If it helps, they've only been in one long term relationship and said they even felt insecure with their lack of relationship experience.

I can see where you are coming from with being rubbed in the wrong way, they expressed to me that they thought they were ready for a relationship, but now realized they were not. They specifically said they did not want to lead me on any further which is why they chose to end things now as they did. I feel if they were truly just an asshole who was leading me on, they would not go the extra mile to reassure me and open up to me as much as they did (especially since the last message I received was one of reassurance that I did nothing wrong and I am a great person who deserves someone who is ready)

[Carly]

Hey alwayssnape -- I've been in this situation a few times, both ends of it actually. I can see how this would feel especially bad too. Being dumped is one thing, but it being someone you had a really deep and quick connection with is a whole other thing especially if you haven't always been able to hit it off with people as well. For what it's worth, it sounds to me that they didn't expect to get along with you so well and this is likely what made them reevaluate their needs alongside yours.

As for reconnection, that's a bit hard to answer. Personally, I would wait for them to reconnect with you, as this is more aligned with their needs. My advice is to make sure you're not waiting around for this person to reach out again. Don't let the possibility of this person maybe one day being ready for what you want be something that keeps you from meeting and pursuing other people who are already in the same place you are. Or focusing on yourself and doing things that make you happy.

[alwayssnape]

Hey Carly,

Thanks so much for your response! Honestly, I came to the same conclusions myself. I don't think either I or them expected to get along so quickly, which is why they took a step back and reevaluated what would be best for both of us. I also agree on the waiting thing, I know it's not healthy and it will take me some time to get over that notion. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be! But I need to focus on myself.

I do have a question for you though, seeing that you have been on both ends of it. Can you go into more detail about being on the other end of it compared to me (so the person who wasn't genuinely ready for a relationship but liked the person and respected them enough to end things), what did you end up doing? Did you work on yourself and pursue new romantic interests, or tried reconnecting, or something else?

[Mo]

If it helps to hear from someone who did reconnect with someone after a "I really can't focus on dating right now and it isn't fair to you to string you along, so even though I do like you a lot I need to break up with you" conversation, I'm happy to share how that went down for me. I was pretty broken up over it; this other person and I had a really strong immediate connection and the breakup felt like it was coming out of nowhere.

While we did eventually try dating again, it was about two years later and I had another relationship in the meantime. I had this idea at first that I wanted to wait for them to be ready, and honestly it wasn't until I let go of that idea and let myself look for connection elsewhere that I was at all ready to reconnect and discuss the potential for another relationship in the future. We both needed to go through some changes and understand more about ourselves before we could try dating again!

In my case, we did remain friends but we were really clear with each other that we were close but NOT dating, not promising to date again in the future if/when things changed, etc. The question of dating again came up mutually a little over two years later, and we explicitly talked about what had happened before and how we wanted to handle things differently. Ultimately, while I think it can be possible that a strong connection can survive some time away and can lead to a strong relationship, I think the best thing to do is do what you can to move forward and seek out other connections with people (romantic/sexual or not) instead of waiting for this guy to come back, which it sounds like is your plan right now!