How do I stop conflating my self worth with my dating experiences

[tinybigegg]

I feel like I know that attraction is really subjective and that for the most part often lies within things that we can't control (our past experiences,exes, people who have rubbed us the wrong way). But I often struggle to not conflate my own attractiveness with the lack of dating experiences and this assumption that because no one has expressed interest that I am ugly or not worth being pursued. I kept pushing off dating mainly because I wasn't sure how to meet people. I naively assumed that people would just come up to you are be interested, or that eventually, I'd meet someone in uni who would be able to connect me with someone that could be a potential partner. I ended up getting attached to people and crushing on people without having a strong understanding of who that person was. I recognize that many people learn this in high school and it makes me feel embarrassed that I was really interested and excited about people who did not feel the same way even into my 20s.

In reality, I was very shy all throughout uni and high school, made friends with mostly straight women whose friends were also straight women and ended up not connecting with anyone who could be in my dating pool (queer people and straight men). I feel a lot of shame for not making an effort especially because I really struggle with meeting people after uni. I work in retail and most of the people I work with are teenagers and middle-aged women so I find the pool of people I know to be very small. Anyway, I feel a lot of shame and just feel like seeing my friends and even random people on the street in relationships is triggering. I think with social media, it's really easy to compare yourself to other people, you see people posting their significant others or just friends finding it really easy to find partner after partner. (I know social media is just a highlight reel, but honestly, I don't think any of my good days have looked like what I've seen online lol) I keep thinking that maybe there is something wrong with me and that I'm not worthy enough to date or that no one will ever date me and that I will be single forever. I try to think about just accepting that I could be single forever and how I would construct my life if I never found a long-term partner, but I think it's coming from a place of low self-esteem rather than an empowered decision. I still get really upset, like almost crying for days straight if someone ghosts me because I see it as evidence that I am not good enough, even though I know it's not big of a deal and people have the right to lose interest for whatever reason. I just wish I could get to a place where it didn't feel so heavy on my mind and where I wouldn't instantly feel shame or want to cry when I see someone in a happy relationship.

[Sam W]

Hi tinybigegg,

It sounds like the lack of a romantic relationship, and the feeling that one seems out of reach, really is doing some nasty things to your self esteem. I think there are a few different angles we could approach this from, so I'm going to start with some questions to help us figure out what directions might be helpful to take this conversation.

To start, how does your social life feel in general? Do you have a lot of friends, or hobbies that you really enjoy? And if you've tried any steps, like dating apps or meet-ups, to look for dates, how have those gone for you?

Your instinct to try and be comfortable with the idea of being single for a long time is actually a really sound one, but you're right that it sounds like it's coming from a place of resignation rather than it being what you want, so it may not be the best approach right now. But, I do think it's worth putting some energy into learning to date yourself: How To Actually Date Yourself. That not only directs your feelings away from the worry that you'll be alone, but dating yourself can also increase your self-esteem over time.

Speaking of self-esteem, if we set the feelings about dating aside, how do you feel about yourself? Is your self-esteem pretty high in non-dating areas, or does it feel low across the board?

[tinybigegg]

I did make quite a few friends this summer but my mom has been preventing me from making plans with any of them. I always find myself just having to cancel all the time until they've stopped asking and we just haven't talked since. I was seeing a guy and my dad caught me leaving in his car and they assumed he was far older than he actually was. Eventually, I just got so stressed about the situation and my parents constantly monitoring me whenever I made plans with him that I stopped talking to him completely. They don't want me to see any of my friends unless I can somehow prove that I'm not seeing him anymore.

I have tried dating apps but they also make me anxious. I usually find myself using it, speaking to maybe 1 or 2 people, and then deleting it, without making plans with anyone. It feels hard when I really don't like taking photos of myself and I find myself just comparing my photos to other people whose lives look more interesting or who are way better at taking photos. I think meeting people, in general, makes me feel very anxious and afraid.

I think my self-esteem has always been very low ever since I was little. I think writing this out has made me realize how much my self-esteem and my parents have made it harder to date, like I don't think it's an "other people think I'm ugly and bad", it's more like I think that about myself and am projecting it onto the way that other people think of me.

[Nicole]

Hi tinybigegg!

I'm sorry to hear that your mom has been preventing you from seeing your new friends. If you feel comfortable, do you mind sharing the reason behind this? Is it directly because of the guy you were seeing? Have you asked your parents how seeing this guy ties into seeing your friends? I might need some more clarification on that. Also, are there any virtual activities you could do with your friends, like video games, video calls, etc.? It wouldn't hurt to reach out and reconnect in those ways! What do you think?

If dating apps cause you anxiety, then I would avoid using them. You aren't the only one who feels this way. Outside of working in retail, do you have any hobbies or extracurriculars that can introduce you to people? This might help with spending time with friends or a possible future partner in a space that your parents can't monitor.

I understand how you feel about your self-esteem. I always like to tell people (including myself) that people perceive us differently than how we perceive ourselves. I know that isn't easy to accept, but keeping that statement as a mantra seems to help when I'm projecting my low self-esteem on assumptions about how other people feel about me. Also, the article that Sam mentioned in her response gives some tips on self-care--I really recommend that you check it out!

[tinybigegg]

I think my family has always had a tendency to be distrustful towards my friends, especially the ones that they don’t know personally or friends that aren’t from the religion I was raised in. But it also goes to the extreme. They will think my friends got me gifts for my birthday because they are trying to traffick me or think one of my friends isn’t genuine based on minimal evidence. I think specifically with this guy, they were concerned because I’ve never dated or expressed interest in dating to my parents before and they felt that it had to be one of my friends setting me up or pressuring me,not because I had met someone and wanted to date them.It was also because I told them I was meeting up with one of my friends but when my dad caught me leaving with that him, my parents now think anyone I ask to hang out is actually just a code for me meeting up with him.

I think I might, but also I think I much rather prefer meeting in person. I just find really easy to lose contact when speaking online. I think I’m really bad at texting to be honest.

I’ve always heard the advice of meeting people through hobbies. But I always found my hobbies to be very solitary. I think I make things difficult for myself to meet anyone. I genuinely cannot tell if it’s maybe because I’m not that interested in dating and just feel a huge pressure to be developmentally “on time” with my peers or that I do really want to date but my insecurities are just putting me into a mindset that convinces me to think I’m unloveable and that it’a a waste of time to date.

I read the article and I really liked it! Thank you Sam, I think there was a lot of things in it that I needed to contemplate over

[Heather]

Up for talking about what some of those hobbies/things you like to do are? I ask because I feel the same way about a lot of mine, but have been finding that technology makes it so that even those are often potentially things I can do with other people, or in a way where one can meet other people. For instance, I do a lot of mending and needlework, and I discovered that some folks use Discord to have crafting circles where everyone can sit and do what they do while talking to one another.

I do also want to share a very recent piece that one of our regular writers did for us that touches some bases you have here, too: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/disa ... right_time

I think you might find it very validating.

[tinybigegg]

I like collaging and writing, which are both activities that I feel are kind of hard to do with other people. How were you able to find discord channels, I know that some of my friends have met people there usually through playing video games.

Also I really liked this article, I saw it before I read your response. I did find it really validating, thank you for suggesting it (and thank you Douglas for writing it <3)

[Nicole]

Hi tinybigegg,

We've reached out to Heather to see what they recommend for finding Discord servers. From my own experience, I found Discord servers based on my interests from Reddit (just google "*name of interest or hobby* discord server Reddit answer"), the official Discord website, or the Disboard website. They are all pretty organized and useful. I found a lot of great communities there. I hope this helps!

[Heather]

I found a couple of Discords for crafting circles through Lex, which is a queer community and dating app that is TEXT and not photo based. There's no requirement or even expectation to use it for dating or sex if you don't want to: you could (as I have so far, because my age group isn't really represented much on it) use it only for community-based or friend-based things.

[Heather]

I hear you on writing being solitary: it's one of my big things to do, too, and it certainly generally is not conducive to doing with other people, exactly.

But there are some ways to still connect with others around that interest if you want, including ways to work on writing things at the same time as other people and to build community that way (like people do with NaNoWriMo, for instance), or online writing communities or groups, group writing collective projects, or something like 48-hour play or film festivals, where you can be the person or one of the people, doing the writing.