Insecurity is making me miserable (vent)

[MissBeehive]

The first time I was ever self-conscious about my weight was when I was in 4th grade. I'm in 10th grade now. And I'm grateful to have been born in 2007 where I grew up listening to Meghan Trainor and Hairspray and being told that I'm beautiful at whatever size but I still can't help but feel like my size is the root of all (or most of) my problems. I remember when I was like 12 years old I used to cry a lot and think that if I was white and skinny I'd be so much happier. I don't even know why my insecurity runs so deep because I know I'm a smaller type of fat. I'm around 5'6 and 160 pounds, which isn't terrible but it makes me feel awful. I hate my huge thighs and my boobs and my stomach and it all makes me feel sick if I'm being honest. I feel so hopeless when it comes to my insecurity, recently I've started avoiding reflective surfaces/cameras and avoiding showers bc I hate undressing; I've lost sleep because of it, and I've cried because of it and I've cut myself over it (i know) and all this stupid, pathetic shit because I've decided that my weight makes me completely unfuckable. As if a woman worth is based on how attractive she is. It's bullshit but its a lot easier to say its bullshit when you're attractive. This is an insecurity I've had for years now but its never been like this before - in middle school, it used to just be that I wore hoodies and skirts to cover my huge thighs, but now its like I almost feel subhuman, like I'm lesser than the more conventionally attractive girls at my school. Does that even make sense? Last year a boy I was semi-friends with made this off-hand remark that I "wasn't really a girl" that's still stuck with me today. Because it's fucking true. Even though I identify as a girl and even though I want people to see me as a girl I'm just not. I'm fat and ugly and I have acne scars and glasses and black nails and make weird jokes but not even in a cute girly way but in a maladjusted way. I'm almost positive that no person (and especially no boy) has ever seen me in a romantic light bc I'm just not the type of girl who gets into romantic relationships with people ever. From my experience, an ugly girl might as well be invisible to most boys.

And I don't know what to do about this. Obviously, I don't want to feel this way anymore but I feel like it's so deeply engraved in the hardwiring of my brain that it's beyond the point of repair. And obviously, I've spent many nights wallowing and pitying myself, and it does feel good, but when I'm done I just feel empty and hollow because nothing's changed. I'm not a completely hopeless and miserable person - I have friends that I value a lot and I have hobbies and I get semi-good grades and I feel like I've got everyone pretty fooled that I've got my shit together even though I cry myself to sleep every few nights. I'm not really sure where all of this is leading but I honestly feel like if I was just prettier and thinner id at least be a little happier I guess. I don't know who to tell about this. I feel like I want to but whenever someone asks me "what's wrong" I honestly can't get the words out of my mouth. Like physically, I just can't make my mouth move and all that comes out is "I'm fine" even when I'm clearly not. It's extremely embarrassing sitting face to face with someone and explaining to them how much you hate yourself or something like that because you just feel like an idiot and you know the other person doesn't really get it.

I'm really sorry that this is my third post on this site and I'm still just bitching and moaning but I've been having these feelings for months now and I don't know how to communicate with the people in my life. I'm not really looking for sympathy or a pat on the head or anything, I guess I just want someone who isn't myself to understand how I feel because it's really very painful and it fucking sucks (I'm genuinely not trying to be attention-seeking so I'm sorry if anything I say comes off that way).

[Sam W]

Hi MissBeehive,

You're right, that sucks, and it sucks BIG TIME. Both to be feeling that way about yourself and to have gotten comments aimed at you that only added to how crappy you've been feeling about your body. I've been there in terms of hating how my body looked, and it's a feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone else.

Before we get into any of the other stuff, I want to check: are you still actively self-harming or thinking about it?

[MissBeehive]

Yes, I do actively self-harm, but not very often. I only do it when I'm really stressed or upset (maybe 1-3 times a week). I don't have an addiction to it or anything, but it is something I do when I'm overwhelmed. It honestly just embarrasses me and I always regret it after the fact.

[Sofi]

It's not embarassing, and we're here for you. Self harm is outside our scope since we are not mental health professionals, and I want to make sure you get the proper support. Do you have mental health resources you can utilize to help you in those moments? If not, that's something we can help you find or refer you to.