Struggling with size insecurity

[iridescentcomet]

Hello, this is my first post. I remember finding this site but I didn't know it had a forum board of sorts as I thought it was only helpful articles. Anyways I thought it would be a decent idea to talk about something that I've been struggling with for a while as well as many others, which is the insecurity of my penis size. I know its a common struggle with many but I guess I just wanted help with how I perceive it. For reference I am single, on the chubbier side, have never been in a relationship, or have had any sort of real experience with someone else. Though sex does interest me as a topic a lot, which I guess is the reason I'm here.

I think the most frustrating part of it is never really being able to come to terms with it. I'm familiar with the statistics of the average size of both the penis and how "deep" the vagina can get (I'm sorry I can't think of a better term rn), how size and penetration is not everything in sex and how most women don't get an orgasm just from penetration, how there is more to a relationship than just sex, how my weight is covering what I can fully see of it, how my stress/anxiety induced ED affects how I perceive it at times, or how porn exaggerates size by a lot, etc. Point is, I can view this from a fully logical perspective on this but it doesn't help me reassure myself much if at all.

I have tried measuring myself, but I don't think I've ever been able to get a fully "accurate" measurement because of my weight and possibly ED, but I think I'm somewhere between 3.5 and 4 inches maybe more but I feel like I'm just coping. And I've had some people try and reassure me by telling me "length isn't everything, girth is more important" but that doesn't really help since I don't have much girth either (I've never measured the circumference to be honest, mostly out of... fear? shame? idk) but I can get a visualization of the average and how mine feels like it doesn't match up. I feel as though it in a weird spot where I know its not a micropenis but I have a feeling its below the below average mark.

The entire thing just frustrates me a lot and I just try to cope to myself by saying that if I lose my extra weight I'll finally get to at least be below average or that maybe I'm somehow a late bloomer and I'll finally get at least a small bit of a growth spurt in my early 20s. Then there's the fact that even if I did end up being in a relationship and having sex and that my potential partner would reassure me that it doesn't matter, I would just think they're lying to me or pitying me. And I know some people would suggest toys and I'm not against that, I would love to bring toys into sex if I could. I think its just the fact that since I have such an interest in sex as a subject, it frustrates me how the one part of my body that was literally "made" for sex can't even do its job well or at least it feels that way.

Anyways if anyone actually ends up reading and replying I am open to replying to your reply with more info.

[Heather]

Hi there, iridescentcomet (what a glorious username!). Welcome to the boards. <3

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so insecure and at odds with your body and your penis, in particular.

I think one of the things you might be missing in all the things you already know about this is that much like cisgender women often really struggle with breast size and shape, despite other people being a lot less judgmental about size and shape variation, the same is often true for cisgender men and penis shape and size. These are largely issues that are really only about a person and their own body, rather than what anyone else truly thinks or will think. With penises, in particular, the group who has always been the group overwhelmingly concerned about size is the group of people who themselves have penises, not people who sexually engage with people with penises. So, I hear you focusing a lot on other people, but I can just about promise you that the person most invested in this, and most concerned, will probably always be you (though I hope that soon enough you, too, can let this go and learn to accept and appreciate your body).

Much like breasts or vulvas and vaginas, penises are not just about sex, even though a lot of people get very focused on those body parts as "sexual" parts. No part of our bodies, really, was "made" for sex any more than our whole bodies were. Sex -- or more to the point, pleasure -- is just one thing our bodies, and any of those parts, can potentially do and experience. Like other parts of the body, including parts like our mouths and hands, that's just one aspect of those body parts, if and when it even is at all (as those parts won't feel sexual for everyone). I think that something that can make the kind of struggle you're having so much harder is only thinking about those body parts as being about sex or sexual appeal -- when we do that with any part of our bodies, or the whole of our bodies, it generally sets us up for a world of struggle, you know? And in your case, presuming your penis can't "do" sex is quite a presumption to be making, particularly since it sounds like you haven't spent much time exploring sex and pleasure yet. What's your relationship with your penis like when it comes to solo sex/masturbation? Does it still feel fraught to you like imagining sex with your penis with a partner does? Do you also struggle to enjoy this part of yourself *with* yourself?

I think that another tricky thing you're dealing with here is imagining theoretical future partners instead of working from experience with actual partners. I think that in the world we all live in where capitalism and related things like white supremacy and diet culture, it's very, very hard to imagine partners who truly love and accept our whole bodies and all their parts without bringing the kind of exacting judgment to them that we've often learned to bring to them ourselves. But I promise you, when we're with people who we are truly connected to and who see us as whole people, including in any kind of sexual relationship, it's a lot easier to feel that acceptance -- and often more than that, enjoyment and appreciation -- in a real way.

And that's one big piece of advice I'd give you. I hear you presuming that your penis is some kind of problem, or is not right in some way, and that the best you're hoping for is a partner who accepts that body part. But that's ground zero, and it's not how it goes with people who are truly excited to be with us, something that never comes just from having a body part that meets some kind of standard. People who are truly excited to be with us tend to enjoy and appreciate the uniqueness of our bodies, and, when we're in a sexual relationship, also enjoy exploring them, enjoy exploring shared pleasure with them, and enjoy finding out the unique ways each of our bodies and all their parts can be together.

I'd also encourage you to remember that "average" is just a mean of everyone's body parts. Average sizes for penises, in any respect, are just the middle of a lot of penises who are on one side of that average, and a lot of penises on the other side. In reality, the "average" isn't a given size, but instead a lotttttttttttttttttt of diversity. There are millions of people with penises who have one the size yours is. It's not weird nor lacking, it's just one of many, many variations.

Can you talk a little bit about where you feel like you've gotten the idea that there's something wrong or lacking about your penis? What kind of ideas about bodies and their parts did you grow up with? What attitudes and ideas about bodies and their parts do you feel like you're soaking in now, and where do you feel like they're coming from?