thinking of changing my boundaries again

[Miss June]

First post on here. I guess i'll start by saying hi and breaking the ice

I made some rules with my first boyfriend that we would do nothing below the waist, those rules were erased because of something he did. I told him that we couldn't do that again, we were good for a while, but he wanted to do it again, and I was no longer comfortable and we called it quits.

I am now with one of my other friends, and I had those same rules with him, but I have moved them up a bit. Now he is asking if we could move them up some more, and it's nice that he is asking instead of doing it. And maybe I am just afraid of what comes after that? How do you know when it is the right time?

What is funny is that I feel sorry for my first boyfriend, because he was and still is super sweet, and his jaw would hit the floor if he knew what I was doing with my new boyfriend. And maybe I think about him too much and that is what's keeping me from doing more?

I do fantasize of having sex. I think of both of them and others, lol! Just haven't done it yet.

[Sam W]

Hi Miss June,

So, to your central question, a big part of figuring out when or if to adjust your boundaries is looking at the potential outcomes--both positive and negative--of doing so, as well as any additional risks that come with adding in more sexual behaviors. Once you have a clear sense of what is likely to happen and what the risks are, then you can decide whether those are things you're comfortable with doing and what steps you need to take to mitigate what risks might be there. Does that make sense?

Too, it's not all that strange to find you boundaries change from relationship to relationship. Sometimes that has to do with the specific person and what you feel comfortable and eager to do with them. But in plenty of cases, it has less to do with the other person and more to do with where you are in your own sexual journey and what things you do or don't feel ready for (or do/don't want to do).

[Miss June]

It does make sense. My ex that I was with was pushy, I wasn't liking it and didn't want to do with him but sometimes I wanted to. My friend that I am with now is gentle and will ask before doing, and I like that. I am more comfortable with him. I was close to doing with him yesterday.

is it normal to be scared for the first time? Is that a sign that I don't want to do it?

[Sam W]

That's sort of a tricky question, because sometimes we can be nervous about things even when we really want them and have thought through them. But other times, nerves are our brain's way of signalling that something is up and we need to slow down. I think it may be helpful to start with the question of: is there something in particular about this that scares you? Specific things you're afraid of? Or does it feel more like general jitters you might get before doing something unfamiliar or exciting?