I don’t feel any sexual pleasure and can’t find my clitoris.

[carmlikescats]

I’m very new to this website however I have read almost everything I could possibly find on this subject and nothing seems to fit my situation. I have been trying to masterbate for years and I just don’t seem to have any sexual pleasure. I am not asexual, I have been in sexual situations before and I get this warm sensation in my lower stomach and crotch area, but I have never actually felt anything sexual or had an orgasm. I have looked at my anatomy many times and It seems like I don’t have a clitoris, there’s just nothing there. I’ve even looked to see if I just have a clitoral hood, but I don’t have any extra skin. I have tried toys and many different techniques recommended to me, and I have even tried fantasizing, but nothing seems to work. I would really like to figure this problem out, I do enjoy sex emotionally but I can’t seem to feel anything physically. Btw I am too young to have a gynecologist and I’ve talked to my mother about the situation but nothing is being done.

[Nicole]

Hi carmlikescats,

Welcome to the boards! I'm so sorry to hear how frustrating this is for you. I want to start by letting you know that this is a very common question we receive so you're not alone in this! However, the answer to this type of question can vary from person to person as there's not one "ideal" way to masturbate. It seems like you've been taking all the right steps in figuring this out--understanding your sexual anatomy, fantasizing, and trying different forms of masturbation--which is great!

The number one thing that I always recommend is exploring yourself, seeing what feels good, and going with the flow. It's also important to try to go into masturbation without the immediate expectation of pleasure or having an orgasm because that can throw you off from exploration. This way you can focus more on figuring out what works best for you.

Also, the clitoris can vary in shape and size, so that may be why you are struggling to locate it. Sometimes it is just larger/more prominent for others. This does not necessarily mean that you do not have a clitoris. Since you have previously struggled to find it, have you attempted masturbation in that area at all?

I do want to ask if you've ever tried incorporating the sexual activity that gave you the warm sensation in your lower stomach and crotch area into your masturbation. I also want to see if you've been paying attention to how your body reacts to masturbation when going through the process of sexual response. For example, as part of arousal, do you experience any vaginal lubrication, etc.?

I know you mentioned that you looked through our resources, but I want to recommend some articles anyways in case you missed one of them:

• Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation

• Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

• Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More

This situation isn't exactly like your's but it does address some of your questions/concerns:

• No sexual sensitivity?

Please let me know if any of this resonates with you! Even if you've read these articles before, please try to review them and let us know how they apply/don't apply to your situation.

[carmlikescats]

Thank you for the articles, I read them over and the one that stuck with me the most was the article about no sexual sensitivity, but I know I’m not asexual.

Incorporating the “warm” feeling I’m describing is hard because I only get that feeling when the activity is with someone else, example straddling, It almost feels like getting butterflies but to an extreme. But it doesn’t seem like the sexual pleasure that people describe. And yes, I have tried different areas of my vagina for masterbation and I get a slight tingle feeling in my legs for some spots, but it doesn’t necessarily feel good. I have tried penetration as well but it just hurts, even when aroused.

Also, to answer the lubrication question, yes. When i’m aroused I do experience lubrication and have tried using it as well.

[Heather]

Hi there.

I think it's important to take your age into account. You are just, so barely just, at the beginning of a lifetime of sexuality, a lifetime of getting to know your own sexuality, your own body, all of it. Too, how people describe sex often isn't exactly accurate: it's pretty often elevated to try and "match" the way that people have heard sex talked about, and that's most frequently from things like mass media or porn than based on years and years of real conversations between people, you know?

You aren't actually too young to see a gynecologist if that is something you want to do. Wanting an appointment to better understand your vulvovaginal anatomy is a pretty common reason for people to start going in my experience, and a totally acceptable one. I should, however, let you know that at 14, that anatomy also isn't fully developed. Our bodies will change our whole lives, of course, but between now and your 20s, in particular, you may find that how your vulva and its parts look still changes some, and that may include things like the clitoral hood and glans being more distinct. It's also common when you first start exploring all of this (and by "first start" I am talking about years, not months or days) for a lot of things to feel interesting or okay, but not, like, bonkers amazing. The latter tends to come from really exploring and learning ourselves and all of this over quite a lot of time. (In fact, study done of people who report having "the best" sexual experiences tends to find that they often don't get to what they consider the best until their 40s or 50s!)

It might also help to recognize that sexual pleasure -- like any kind of pleasure -- is something that isn't just or even mostly genital. Someone can touch our genitals, like for example at a doctors visit, and because we aren't in an emotional or social context to feel sexual or wanting to be sexual, it can feel as interesting as someone touching an elbow. Pleasure has a lot more to do with what's going on in our heads than in our bodies: the body parts of pleasure often won't really be much to write home about if what's going on in our heads isn't running the show, if that makes sense to you.

You say what you are trying hasn't "worked." Can you say a little more about what you are looking for from it? You also say you haven't felt anything sexual: can you say what you mean by that?

[carmlikescats]

Hi thank you for the response. What I mean by what I’m trying hasn’t worked, Is that I just don’t feel anything sexual or really get aroused. I mean I do a little, but I don’t feel pleasure from it. I’m sorry if this makes little sense. I guess what I’m looking for from it is anything but what I normally feel, because I barely feel anything when I try, and I know that’s not the normal response.

[Heather]

It's okay, it can be really hard to find words for this stuff!

So, what I hear you saying is:
a) You expect that engaging your genitals will increase how aroused you feel, and it has not done that.
b) You don't feel what you expect something "sexual" to feel like.
c) You feel sensations, but they don't feel good to you (or bad), they just mostly feel like touching any other body part does, even when you start already very turned on.

Does that all sound right?

I will say right off that there is no "normal" response to touching genitals. How people respond to that is wildly divergent, not just from person to person, but even just for one person over time, often differing based on so many things, like life phases, stress levels, how much they have slept, what their expectations are, how turned on they are, where they are at in a menstrual cycle, depression or anxiety, what their body image is like, what health conditions they have...so many things! I promise, there isn't a normal here, just a looooooooooot of diversity.

[carmlikescats]

yes, what your saying sounds about right. I’m still not really sure what to do, I could try to get a gynecologist. I’ll reread through the responses I’ve gotten, thank you.

[Nicole]

Hi carmlikescats,

If you feel like it's necessary to see a gynecologist, even if it's just to learn more about your anatomy and development, then I don't see why not! Heather does make a good point--you're still quite young and it may take some time for your body to develop, experience certain sensitivities, etc. While there may be some people your age who are already ahead of the game, it doesn't mean anything is "wrong" with your circumstances.

Also, I want to reiterate Heather's mention of stress, as well as just a bunch of things that can play a role in experiencing sexual pleasure from masturbation. I know that stress can play a major role in one being unable to experience sexual pleasure. Sometimes people relieve their stress through masturbation and others simply cannot gain any sexual pleasure from masturbation when stressed. Is this at all applicable to you? Are any of the situations that Heather mentioned applicable? Let me know what you think!!