i don’t really have a point here, i just want to reflect on my previous presence on this board.
i was being raped and coerced by my ex ‘boyfriend’. the stuff i was posting about? almost nothing that happened was consensual, but i felt like if i spoke about it as if it was, i’d be able to regain some sort of control over my situation. that never happened. we split in april, with no contact after the fact, leaving me to reflect on the assault and mistreatment with nobody to go to. i look back on my posts here and feel ill. he was terrible to me. i feel like i lost myself in this fantasy world where things were okay and consensual to get myself through it, but i just sounded… delusional. i’m sorry.
on a nicer note, i’m doing better now. in june, i met a really darling guy who’s now my boyfriend of nearly 6 months. he knows about what happened and is deeply understanding and accommodating, and we have a healthy sex life. i hate, though, that he’s seen me shut down and start crying and curling in on myself because of flashbacks, or that i can’t do certain things because they remind me too much of what happened. he’s so sweet to me, he helps me through it and always listens when we need to stop, but i feel guilty. i feel like i’m never going to fully recover. i love my boyfriend, we have something i’ve never had before, but i feel like my trauma burdens him.
i had to get that out, the fact that those posts are still up weighs on me frequently. sorry for the ramble.
reflecting
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Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
We ask that users looking for general, ongoing emotional support post in this area of the boards, and that you use this space to both ask for, give and receive that support primarily from each other, rather than from our staff and volunteers. As a staff, we simply are often too overextended with all we need to do in running the organization and its services to do that for extended periods of time, and one of our main aims of our community at the boards has always been to facilitate peers to better be there for each other.
Users often report that they have no in-person peers they can talk to or seek support from: we want this to be a space for online peer support and somewhere everyone can get some practice asking for, getting and giving support so that doing it with people in your lives feels more doable.
Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
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dollparties
- not a newbie
- Posts: 37
- Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2022 9:39 pm
- Age: 21
- Awesomeness Quotient: i’m a very vibrant person!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: he/she/they
- Sexual identity: queer
- Location: canada
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Sam W
- previous staff/volunteer
- Posts: 10320
- Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
- Age: 33
- Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: queer
- Location: Coast
Re: reflecting
Hi dollparties,
I'm so glad to hear you're doing better and have found someone who cares about and respects you! And there's no need to apologize for how you sounded in earlier posts; one of the rough things about unhealthy or downright abusive relationship dynamics is that people come up with all sorts of ways to cope with them, including framing them as better than they are or downplaying the negative parts. That's not something we'd ever hold against someone who was dealing with a crappy partner.
If you ever want to talk about navigating those trauma responses with your current boyfriend, that's absolutely something we can offer support around.
I'm so glad to hear you're doing better and have found someone who cares about and respects you! And there's no need to apologize for how you sounded in earlier posts; one of the rough things about unhealthy or downright abusive relationship dynamics is that people come up with all sorts of ways to cope with them, including framing them as better than they are or downplaying the negative parts. That's not something we'd ever hold against someone who was dealing with a crappy partner.
If you ever want to talk about navigating those trauma responses with your current boyfriend, that's absolutely something we can offer support around.
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.