Polyam / different sexual needs / insecurities

[jojomo]

Hey, I guess I'm a bit older than other users here, but I'd really like some opinions/thoughts about the issue I have. It's kind of a long story but I try to summarize it somehow shortly.

So, I'm in a relationship with a person for 3 years (right now rather long-distance relationship, we see each other roughly once a month or two for a week or so.) In the beginning it was not exclusive and we didn't really define it as a relationship. After some time it became a committed relationship, still not exclusive but only my boyfriend had other partners then.
But at some point I didn't feel good with how it was anymore, also because of some bad experiences (outside of the relationship) and depressive episodes I had/have and with his polyamory, feeling kind of jealous or rather not understanding why he needed several partners and thinking I wasn't enough (hello low self-esteem!).
So at some point I figured the relationship as it was, was causing me more pain than good feelings so I was ready to end it, but then surprisingly for me he said it was more important to him to be with me than having other partners. (Of course before we tried to talk about it and finding other ways we could make it work, but nothing really worked). So then we stayed together and it was working well for a time.

Then another issue came up (or at least stronger than before) that we have really different sexual needs. We both like to cuddle a lot, but he also gets horny and would like to have sex very often, whereas I don't have the desire for sex often. (About that I also feel insecure/unhappy often, that I would like that I want sex more often, but it's just not like that and I guess I can't change it. And I know that it's perfectly fine however I am and how my sexuality is, but still. Also I feel trapped between criticizing the conventional ideas/myths of men always having more sex desire than women (while feeling it is true in our relationship) and that sex always needs to lead to an orgasm (which I disagree with, but still feel somehow disappointed when we have sex/masturbate together and only he gets an orgasm, and even though I didn't really feel the desire for having one myself, I don't know it's hard to explain.. and then also the sex-positive scene that says sex is the greatest thing and sex shouldn't stop when only the man had an orgasm because also women always want one and so on.) I just feel really confused with all these things and moral judgements and I just don't know where I stand in between all of this)

But back to our relationship in which he didn't get his need for sexuality met as he would like to. This situation obviously also wasn't ideal, so then he asked if we could try it again that he could have other partners with whom he could have sex more often to have his needs met but we would still be the main relationship. I agreed to it that we can try it out as I was feeling better most of the time and of course it's important to me that both of us can satisfy our needs as good as possible.
Then some time later at some event there were the two of us and also his other partner and in the beginning it was fine for me but at some point I saw them just sitting next to each other somewhere and I started to feel really terrible, almost nauseous from it and the whole relationship thing and thinking that it could never work out and also from other people I know I never heard that poly relationships really work without one always suffering from it. And I don't want to stop him from having other relationships as it is important for him, but I also don't want to suffer from it so much.
Now I feel a bit better about it already and more hopeful that it can work out somehow, but I really don't know how and I don't want to end the relationship either.

I think our communication about the whole thing is quite good as we can honestly say how we feel, but also it's not always possible to communicate feelings away.
I've read the troubleshooting and navigating poly relationships from this page already and it was helpful, but still didn't give me satisfying answers.
So I'm just a bit lost right now how to deal with everything, if there are other ways how to satisfy both our (sexual) needs in a different way, how to deal with my own sexual insecurities and so on. Does someone have some thoughts about it?

Sorry for the long post and maybe not explaining stuff clearly enough..

[Sofi]

Hi jojomo, welcome to the boards!
I hear that you're super conflicted between different feelings, beliefs, and thoughts. This is normal as we grow up around certain stereotypes and stigmas that can be hard to break out of. They can become engraved into our brain since we're young and it takes active work to change those patterns of thinking. You're doing great by even acknowledging it. Do you want to talk more about this?

As far as your relationship goes, the first thing I want to make clear is that you deserve a relationship where you feel emotionally safe and happy. It's good to know that you two communicate openly and it seems like your partner really wants to make it work as much as you do. I am not here to give an opinion on whether you should be poly or not, or stay together or not, etc. but I just want to offer my thoughts (based on experience not only from being at Scarleteen but also personal experience from being in open and poly relationships over the years).

When you said that based on people you know "I never heard that poly relationships really work without one always suffering from it", is this what you've witnessed or what they've told you? While this is your experience and therefore it's real for you, it IS possible for poly relationships to work well without anyone suffering from it. There are plenty of people who make it work. The thing is, it only works well if both of you (and everyone else involved) is comfortable with it and happy with it. When you are doing it just to make your partner happy, it's not actually what makes YOU happy. I don't want you to feel as though it's normal to suffer in a relationship because it shouldn't be. Of course there are compromises we make for our partners and we won't always have every need met by them, but overall you shouldn't be suffering in any way.

As far as meeting both of your sexual needs, what are other options you've discussed or explored, and did any of them sound good to you? It's not the best solution for him to have other partners if it's something causing you turmoil and making you feel crappy. You both deserve your needs met, but I wonder if there are other ways, and/or if he's decided he wants other partners no matter what. The long distance complicates things, but also you not wanting sex as often is perfectly okay (as you stated, though it can be hard not to feel bad about it sometimes). A healthy relationship won't make you feel like you're "not doing enough". It seems like back when you were going to end things, he decided being with you was more important than fulfilling his sexual needs, but now it's back to how it was before. Something you two could have an honest and open conversation about is whether that's still the case, for BOTH of you. There is no right or wrong answer and no right or wrong relationship dynamic as long as you're both content, honest with yourselves and each other, and feel safe with each other.

[jojomo]

Hey, thanks for the answer! It already gave me a lot of things to think/talk about.

The thing concerning stereotypes or beliefs I feel is indeed hard to get out of as you said. First getting to know how I truly feel and then also accepting it. But also figuring out if a thing must be accepted or if it can be changed. Another question would be how to get out of those patterns of thinking and get clarity. Because often I feel like my head knows something, but my heart doesn't believe/feel it. Do you know something that could help with these questions?

Also thinking of poly relationships I suppose it's ok and "normal" that sometimes people feel jealous or otherwise not that good, but I'm always wondering how much is "normal" and how much is too much? I know there's no clear answer on that, but it's hard to figure out for me how much is still ok and we can try to work on it or how much is too much and it's just not a good thing for me to be in a poly relationship.

To your question what other options concerning meeting both our sexual needs we explored, actually I think we didn't have many ideas about that and were always rather stuck with the issue. Do you have any ideas about that?
What would come to my mind now in general would be trying to rethink what "sex" actually means for us, what it includes. If when we cuddle it's already a sexual activity or not and what he actually wants/needs to have his needs met, if it only is sexual intercourse with an orgasm or if it could be something else as well. Same for me of course.

Ufff, so many things to think about. But thank you so much for the support!

[Heather]

Hey there, jojomo. I hope it's alright if I step in where you and Sofi left off.

I do want to first say that 23 is a pretty common age for people to find us and use this resource. I'm telling you that, because in my experience, in the kind of situation you're in, if you feel like you should know how to do a thing better by now, it can add a lot of extra and needless stress. Every relationship is a new relationship at any age, to boot, and with poly -- or just in life, since most of us have many more relationships than just one with a sexual or romantic partner -- that literally exponentially increase, you know? In other words, be sure you're cutting yourself a break here and giving yourself enough credit. <3

It was interesting to me to hear what you said about your head and your heart. Personally, I find it really helpful in all of life to make choices based on when they're in agreement, and to try hard not to do or choose anything where they are not. It might be beneficial for you to spend a little time thinking about this relationship and situation looking for what, of all your possible choices, would put your head and heart in the most agreement.

Also: there's no one right amount of feeling envy or jealousy, or any other hard or challenging feeling. You're right about that. It's really about what does and doesn't feel okay or right for everyone involved. If those feel like too much for you to live with, or even just more than you *want* to live with, you get to decide that, okay?

This sounded like a really good idea to me:

What would come to my mind now in general would be trying to rethink what "sex" actually means for us, what it includes. If when we cuddle it's already a sexual activity or not and what he actually wants/needs to have his needs met, if it only is sexual intercourse with an orgasm or if it could be something else as well. Same for me of course.

And yeah, I think you might want to start with you here, a thing you can figure out by yourself. Then you'll have that to lead with and bring to the table in these kinds of conversations as you have them together. I think that's extra important when someone is a lower desire partner than the other, because thanks to our shitty cultures around this, it can be really easy to feel like the person with the highest desire should lead or has more right to what they want.

[jojomo]

Hey Heather!
Thank you for the kind words, it's nice to read them.
I also enjoyed reading what you said about choices that feel right for the head and for the heart. But also sometimes I find myself in a place where for example concerning self-esteem issues my head knows that I am a nice person and my friends like me, but my heart doesn't believe it. Or when I rationally know that it's totally ok to not want so much sex that my heart (or body or whatever) still feels like I want to want to have more desire for sex. I don't know it's difficult to explain.
It's hard to get rid of or change these things and beliefs that at some point in life I started to believe in for whatever reason. I don't know how to get my heart to believe or stop doubting what I already knows what is good for me..

Also, again I know there is never a "right" answer, but in your experience here or in your life, do you think it usually helps people in my position in poly relationships with their jealousy or other hard feelings to get to know the other partner better? I just know her a bit but I actually think she is really nice and usually we could get along very well I think. We had one talk about the situation and it was nice, but now I'm not sure if it helps to maybe spent more time the two of us or even the three of us together or if it would make it worse or something..

[Heather]

You're welcome, I'm glad they felt good to you.

Starting with the latter bit, I'd trust your own instincts with this. I do think that more times than not, it's both generally helpful and just a good idea to meet a partner's other ongoing or regular partners. I do think it often helps with envy or jealousy, too: I'd say it's harder to sustain those if and when you have built some trust. My advice if you're going to do it would be to meet the other person on their own, without your shared partner, so you two can forge whatever your relationship is going to be on your own terms, know what I mean? I feel like having your partner there also makes it way too easy to pay attention to them and how they are with both of you than to pay attention to the other person as their own person.

With wars between head and heart: I hear you. Sometimes big things are just unresolved, or we're in a growth period with them. If and when that's the case, I'd just check in with yourself about what feels right while you are in that process. What best supports that process for you? What stands in its way, or might make you feel like you have to be at a place with it you're not yet?

In terms of the issues with feeling like it isn't okay to have whatever level of sexual desire you do, I'd like to suggest you try and take the whole thing off the continuum of wanting none to wanting ALL THE SEX ALL THE TIME! I don't think that continuum is very realistic for us as a people, save in very concentrated moments, and I also think deciding what's "so much" and "so little" creates a dichotomy or binary that doesn't serve anyone well. You want sex (with this particular partner, or in general) when you do, and your partner does when he does. If and when those wants don't happen or always happen at the same time -- as they so often won't for people -- it's okay for either party: the wanter or the person who isn't into it. Same goes for if one person simply wants sex more frequently than another: there's no amount of desire for frequency of sex that's okay and another that isn't.

I'd also remind yourself that you're under no obligation to meet a sexual partner's every desire, be that for a kind of sex or a way of being sexual or when it comes to frequency. It can totally be hard to shake that off (and all the more if you're a woman and he's a man -- there's been a lot of historical pressure for women's whose sexuality to just be about what men want and basing when and how you have sex on that), because again, our stinky culture. Can I also check in with you, though, about how supported you feel by your partner in this?

I ask that, because if there's a lot of talk about his "unmet needs" or wants around this, and if you feel like you have to be okay with poly because of it, then...well, yeah, you're not going to believe it's okay because you're not really getting a strong message that it is. :/