I only enjoy the excitement leading to sex, not the sex itself

[lostandconfused]

I (24F) absolutely love everything that leads up to sex, the flirting, the butterflies that come with thinking will-he-won't-he, the first touch, the first kiss, and maybe even the first sex - they all make me excited and wet but that's where it ends. Once I start being properly exclusive with that person, I lose all interest for kissing/sex. I would still love spending time together with that person and fall in love with them, but I'm just not sexually attracted to them anymore.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, who is a wonderful person, but his sex life was suffering because of my disinterest. Something similar happened with my previous boyfriend whom I dated for almost 2 years.

Now I'm scared to get into another serious relationship thinking I would disappoint them as our relationship progresses. In my recent relationship, I did try to make myself excited and engage in sex even though I did not want to, so as to not leave my boyfriend unsatisfied - but after a few months, I started feeling really bad and that I was doing my body wrong. I would burst into random tears after the sex was over, and I do not want to go through that again.

I absolutely do not mind my partner seeking sexual satisfaction elsewhere, but I do want to settle down and raise a family in the future, so that could be very damaging to the family structure. Also, none of the men I dated have wanted to do that anyway.

Am I asexual, even though I have so much sexual energy during the initial phases of a relationship?

[Sam W]

Hi lostandconfused,

So, it sounds like there are a few different things that might be going on here. It's possible you're asexual, although from the sound of this is more about you feeling sexual interest initially and then that fading once you're in the relationship, correct?

I ask because what you're experiencing is, to some degree, a really common pattern in relationships. There tends to be a lot of intense emotion and desire in the beginning, which then tapers off in various directions; for some people, the relationship no longer feels new and exciting, but their connection with their partner feels deeper. For others, once the novelty wears off, they discover they really don't have much in common with the other person and choose to end the relationship.

In your case, do you find yourself losing interest in sex and other physical contact as the relationship goes on? Or does it seem to happen as soon as you and the other person decide to be exclusive?

I do want to say that it sounds like you're already realizing that a "traditional," monogamous relationship might not be for you. We can certainly talk about how to navigate that, and how to find partners who are open to that (and the fact that plenty of people have a family and kids while also having non-monogamous or open marriage).

[lostandconfused]

Hi Sam, apologies for the late response (been sick )

this is more about you feeling sexual interest initially and then that fading once you're in the relationship, correct?

Yes, that's right! And it is quite gradual.
My attempts at masturbation have always failed, I've never felt any pleasure from them. So the sex is always about the other person and not about me.

My theory is this:
I've suffered with low self esteem as a teen. So when I notice that a person is attracted to me, I'm just excited to get physical with them hoping it would ensure continued attraction to me. But once I start feeling secure in the relationship, the need to exert effort to keep them attracted fades and the sex is just to keep my partner satisfied. Sex becomes a chore and I start disliking it.

Does that make any sense? Could it be true?

And about non-monogamous relationships, I have always thought they would work better for me, especially since i have had zero issues with jealousy and am generally a very trusting person. But the society i live in is VERY disapproving of that stuff, so it has always felt unreachable for me. I recently moved to a bigger city where the people are slightly more open, but I guess I'm still scared. I should give it a try, will work on that!

[Sam W]

All that extra information is really helpful! What you said about self-esteem and how that played into past relationships does make a lot of sense, and I do think it could be contributing to the pattern you're noticing. Do you feel like you've seen improvements in your self-esteem? or like feeling more confident in yourself leads to less interest in a partner?

It can be so frustrating to feel like a relationship structure that would really work for you is out of reach because of societal pressures or taboos. So, I hope being in a bigger city will open up some new options for you. If you find options to be non-monogamous, or you're just curious about how that could look for you, I really recommend giving this article a read: A First Polyamory Guide

[lostandconfused]

I do think my self esteem has improved. Physically, my cropped hair (I was not allowed to grow it out) and flat chest made me feel unattractive as a teen, but I've grown to embrace my body and even feel pretty now! Emotionally, I still feel the need to be super-nice and polite to charm every person I meet. It's not necessarily a bad thing but it does give me anxiety, which I'm currently working on!

And thank you for pointing me to the Polyamory Guide! This will help me a lot

[Sofi]

Hi lostandconfused, just jumping in here to check if you wanted to talk about anything specific from the polyamory guide - if you have any questions about it or anything like that, just let me know!
And is this anxiety something you've had a chance to talk about with a mental health professional? It's great that you recognize it and acknowledge it, that's already a big first step at working on it.