I’ve pretty much spent the last three or so years destroying my self confidence and feel I’m unworthy of love

[Soph22]

Over the past three years I’ve gotten more and more insecure, till the point where I am now, where I have fully convinced myself that no one will ever want to be with me romantically because I’m not pretty enough. For long I’ve already established the fact that I’m not a pretty girl, but after realizing that, I feel I’m unworthy of love because of that. I’ve become a more passive person, because I feel like if I were to call someone out on skipping me in line for example, it’s like I can’t because I’m not pretty enough to be excused for doing that. I know I need to build self confidence, but I’m so hesitant to even try because I’m scared that I’ll build up all this self love and confidence in myself and my appearance, for someone to inevitably insult my appearance, and then I’m even more hurt than I would be if I just already hold myself to low standard. Like I hold myself to the lowest standard possible to protect myself in case someone does do it to me. The whole reason I’m so unhappy and insecure is because of people insulting and bullying me when I still thought I might be at least average looking, so if I already perceive myself as the least attractive person, then I won’t be as hurt when someone does remind me. Is this thinking reasonable?

[Sam W]

Hi Soph22,

I'm so sorry you're dealing with such low feelings about yourself, and that at least some of that was brought on by other people being cruel to you. Was that mainly coming from people your own age, or were people in your family insulting your appearance as well?

I absolutely see how you landed at the idea of "if I have low self-esteem about my looks, no one can hurt me that bad." But the tricky thing is, in that situation, you are the one hurting yourself to a certain degree. The only person who's with us our whole life is ourselves. And it can be miserable to spend a lot of that time being cruel to ourselves, or at the very least refusing to do things that would let us feel better.

Too, self-confidence can actually be protective in the situations you're describing where someone tries to insult you. The more confidence we have, the easier it is to let nasty comments roll off us, you know?

With all that in mind, do you want to talk about some ways you could try boosting your self-confidence a little?

[Soph22]

Thank you for replying! I’d love to discuss ways to boost my self confidence

[Sam W]

Okay! So, a great starting place is to give this article a read and see if any of the advice in it is things you can apply to your life: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... bish_story.

Another thing to think about is: how often do you see bodies or faces like yours represented in a positive light? Because one thing that can help with this is to find examples of people who look like you that you think look cool, strong, beautiful, etc. I'm also a big proponent of finding ways to connect with your body that help you appreciate it, so that's something we could talk more about if it interests you.

Too, what kinds of things do you like to do that tend to make you feel proud of yourself? Are there things in your life that help you feel happy and fulfilled?

[Soph22]

I’m a musician and I’m always proud of myself in that aspect of my life. It makes me the happiest and definitely makes me feel fulfilled. Also I would like to talk about finding ways to connect with my body, that sounds like it could help

[Carly]

Hey Soph -- Though I'm not sure exactly what Same had in mind in terms of connecting with your body, I can for sure start that brainstorm. There are a lot of ways to do this, and it's truly unique to every person because no one really has and understands their body the same way as another person does. Our volunteer Elise asked others how they connect with their body a bit ago, and here were the answers. This might be a place to start, even just for examples on how people do that. What's important is really listening to yourself - a way someone might connect with their body might not work for you, and that's ok. Don't force anything, because that might just make you feel even more disconnected. I also want to pass on Self-Care: A La Carte! and How To Actually Date Yourself for some more ideas. Let us know what jumps out.