sexual awakening and i hate it 😅

[swimminginspace]

alright, so... i have felt sexual feelings before, maybe once every one or two months, but they have now increased to almost every other day after i've come to terms with having been inappropriately touched by my grandfather when i was 13. though my family nor i are religious anymore, we were extremely religious growing up; my sex education was my mom pretty much telling me "the penis goes into the vagina" and "don't have sex". so even though i'll be turning 18 soon and 99% of people my age have masturbated/had sex already, i feel severe discomfort and disgust about having sexual feelings. i even feel perverted and ashamed for having an innocent crush on an employee at physical therapy. i've only recently started researching sex more, so i don't even know if the stuff i've done counts as masturbation. usually, what i do is i look at pictures/read stuff/listen to music that gets me fired up, occasionally paired with some extremely minor touching before i decide i'm having too much fun and jump ship before it gets too intense lol. almost positive i've experienced an orgasm before, though. i'm also having trouble figuring out if people can smell when you've masturbated, or if making noise is involuntary when masturbating? i never have opportunities to be home alone, so i wouldn't want to be found out if i decided i was comfortable enough to indulge myself more.

i think my main question is, though: is there a way to just stop getting turned on? or to at least have these thoughts less often? i may too old to be saying this, but i'm extremely not ready for a sexual awakening. but at the same time, sexual thoughts keep coming back to me and i end up being unable to ignore them, you know? in a nutshell, it feels like i'm going through puberty 5 years late. and it seems i have a bad case of purity culture poisoning. and i really just have better, more practical things to do with my time than to be thinking about sex... (and just for extra info, i'm an afab person attracted to both men and women.)

i know that was a lot to share, so thanks to anyone who has any advice.

[Carly]

Hey swimminginspace - welcome to the Scarleteen boards! There's a lot we can talk about in your post. I might not be able to hit on it all in one response, but I'll try. Short answer is: you're right on time age-wise for these kinds of thoughts to start becoming more persistent and, no, there really isn't a non-harmful way to repress sexual thoughts or arousal. Though we can't help you with that, we can talk through a lot of what you're feeling so you can be comfortable with it happening (if not embrace it).

Masturbation is doing something to sexually stimulate yourself. Often, this includes engaging with your own genitals in some way, but it doesn't always have to. Based on that, I would characterize what you've been doing as masturbation. How does it feel to hear that confirmed, given how you've been feeling? Why do you feel the need to stop when you're having "too much fun"?

To answer those things you're were wondering about masturbation:

• No one can come into a room and smell that someone has masturbated, masturbation itself doesn't leave a specific smell. If you were to smell something after, it would likely be sweat. Or maybe your natural vaginal scent. These are just human smells, you know? If you touch yourself, I do recommend washing your hands with soap and water to help with anything that might linger.
• Making noise can be involuntary. Some people can be quiet, some can't. This truly varies person to person, but it can be possible to be more quiet if you try.

If someone is concerned about these things, or privacy in general, and they're not able to be alone a lot, I tend to recommend trying to be in a "traditionally private" place like a bathroom. Or waiting until nighttime when other people are asleep and shutting the door. Would any of this be an option for you?

It sounds like you're pretty tuned into the ways your religion and its associated purity culture has impacted your understanding of your sexuality. When you say you're not ready for a sexual awakening and that you have better/more practical things to do than think about sex... could it be that you're just anxious about unraveling this? To me, it sounds like you've enjoy the masturbation you've tried, so I'm wondering if this all feels overwhelming because of that. We have several resources about unpacking purity culture, and I think reading through these would be very helpful for you.

You mentioned very quickly in the first part of your post that you were touched inappropriately by your grandfather. Do you want to talk more about this?

[swimminginspace]

honestly, i'm not sure how i feel knowing i've been masturbating kind of uncomfortable, but i suppose it's freeing in a way. better to have done it already than to grapple with the complicated feelings of doing it for the first time. i think i mostly stop while i'm ahead because i get easily overwhelmed by the physical sensations. they're not feelings you normally feel, so it's a lot to take in and it feels easier to just calm it down instead of making the feelings even more intense. like, it can get unbearable after long enough, which i'm assuming is a sign that you're about to orgasm, but most of the time that is NOT a pleasurable feeling for me lol? i don't have much experience with orgasm, but it also seems like the act of orgasming in itself is something my body physically doesn't enjoy, and i'm not sure if that's common... but i think doing it at night would work, as well. luckily, i do have a lock on my door.

as far as my grandfather goes, he had rubbed the top of my back to feel up my bra. it looked like a normal back rub to everyone else, though, so he was able to get away with doing it in front of my family at a christmas celebration. he also told me in private that the neighbors might be able to see me getting dressed through the windows, and had me kiss his cheek before he left that day. i also had an online friend from i was 12 up to when i was 16, who had a crush on me and would come onto me no matter how many times i said i wasn't interested. i identified as aromantic at one point, and even that didn't stop them from making sexual jokes and comments about me. i mostly just had to ignore them and change the subject, and even then, they'd openly laugh about how i was avoiding their flirting without any self-awareness. these were the only experiences i've ever had with sex, and they were nonconsensual, so when it comes to my own sex life, i struggle to view it as anything but gross and almost violating. and i think it makes it feel strange that i would want something like that to be a part of my life, you know?

but thank you so much for the resources. will definitely check those out!

[Sofi]

There's nothing wrong or weird about masturbating without orgasm as the main goal - actually, many people enjoy this more, whether they want to orgasm or not. If you feel like orgasm is not physically pleasurable for you, then you can still masturbate and just stop when it doesn't feel good anymore. Does it seem like it's a physical discomfort or pain, or more of a mental thing causing your body to tense up or shut down? It could have to do with your feelings around sexuality, such as feeling guilty about masturbating. Again, though, we don't have to unpack this because orgasm doesn't have to be the main goal. But if you do want to talk about it, we can!

I'm sorry you had those experiences, and I'm proud of you for calling it out and recognizing your feelings about them. Nonconsensual contact or jokes/comments aren't okay, and it makes sense that you feel conflicted given these occurances. Did you get a chance to read any of the resources linked above? There's a few that I think would be helpful, we can discuss them further if you'd like. <3

[swimminginspace]

hi there! i think it could be a combination of both physical discomfort and just the emotional awkwardness of it. and i did read them; thank you so much for the links! i've also saved them so i can go back and reread them in case i forgot anything. i've been tending to fall down a scarleteen rabbit hole, so it might not have been one of the direct links there, but one thing i saw suggested writing down positive sexual experiences and positive things you've learned about sex, and i can already tell writing it down has made me feel better. at first, i thought it was a silly idea, because surely i've never had a positive experience with it, but it turns out there's been multiple .

during my time here, i've also come to realize that sex doesn't really have to be "sexy", like how you see it in the movies, and that helps, too. i think i'll be more comfortable masturbating if i think of it less as passionate and seductive and more just as... an activity that feels nice, like eating food i like or sitting in the sun.

i believe i just have one more question, though. i've had a therapist for a while now, and he's great; literally have never trusted a human being more. he knows about my sexual trauma, but he doesn't know much about the above issues i'm having with my actual sex life, and i'd like to address them with him, but i'm really struggling to. i did try one time, but all i could do is hint that i "don't identify as asexual anymore" and then i had to drop the subject out of discomfort. even despite how i trust him, i guess i'm paranoid that he'll be uncomfortable with me wanting to talk about it, especially with the dynamic of him being an adult man while i'm a teenager. would you happen to have any advice on how to ease yourself into a discussion about sex when it feels super awkward?

[Sam W]

Hi swimminginspace,

I think that way of thinking about masturbation can be such a helpful way of framing it for yourself!

As far as talking with your therapist about all this, you can find some of the basic tips for how to do that here: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... _about_sex. I will also say that sex and sexuality are really common topics for people to have concerns about or struggles with that they then bring to therapy, so it's very unlikely you'd be the first person to ask him about this kind of thing. Too, he likely understands that therapy is meant to be a place where younger clients can talk with him about things it might not be safe or wise to talk with other adults about, so he won't see you asking him about this as a source of discomfort.

[swimminginspace]

thanks so much

[Sam W]

You're very welcome!