Confusion with gender and sexuality

[casimir]

So I'm about confused about my gender identity and sexuality and how they are linked. I'm AFAB and tend to identify as nonbinary in online spaces, but I'm not out IRL. I've been questioning my gender since I was 12 but I realized that it's also perfectly fine if I'm cis to be the way I am (I dress fem but act masc), and I've been thinking maybe I should put my gender confusion on "pause" and live as cis until I'm an adult/more independent so I can be sure I'd really want to be perceived as nonbinary or a guy in broader society, or if I'm actually fine being a woman. Now the problem with this is how I perceive myself in relationships; I'm asexual but definitely not aromantic. I feel like I could enjoy a romantic relationship, but only if I were anything but a woman. And I have a preference for men, but I'd only date a guy if I were seen as masc.
So I was thinking maybe I only feel uncomfortable about being a woman because of gender roles/expectations,or maybe I'm really not cis, or maybe I'm fetishizing gay men????
I'm so confused!

[Sam W]

Hi casimir,

So, I can say pretty confidently that you're not fetishizing gay men; it more sounds like that when you imagine your relationships, you're getting clued into something about your gender, or at least how you'd want you gender perceived by others.

As far as figuring out the bigger parts of you gender, I think there are two questions that could be helpful starting places. One is, when you think about not wanting to be seen as a woman, especially in relationships, what does that feel like for you? Are you imagining being asked to take on certain roles or expectations that you don't want? Or is it more a gut-level reaction of "no, I don't' want to be a woman in a relationship because I'm not a woman."

Too, when you think about pausing your gender exploration, does that feel like a choice that would let you live in a way you're comfortable. Or does it feel like it would be closing you off from things you wanted?