Knowing what I want

[flugame]

Hi -

I've had a bit of a nightmare with my sexuality these past few years trying to work out if I'm on the asexuality spectrum and if so where, and it's kind of messed up my understanding of what I want. I've had a lot of extreme attitudes towards sex, from Hell-No when I was 10 to to When-I'm-14-I'll-Definitely-Have-Sex-24/7 when I was 11-13 to Half-The-Time-I-Don't-Like-Sexuality-At-All when I was 14 to I'm-Totally-Ready-For-Sex-Right-Now when I was also 14 to I'm-Completely-Asexual-And-Hell-No when I was 15-16 to wherever I'm at now, which is pretty confused.

I think a part of my extreme asexuality and sex aversion when I was 15 or so was about working through shame and feeling like I was losing control, but I've worked through that and now I'm at a point where I can and do enjoy masturbation and sexual fantasies etc, and I've considered having sex with other people, but it's very difficult to tell if I actually want it.

I'm not actually that bothered as to what my exact sexuality label is, and I'm currently just identifying as "somewhere on the ace spectrum probably" but I have no idea what I actually want sexually. Sometimes I think I want sex - but that could just be a fantasy that I won't actually enjoy in reality and it will make me uncomfortable in practice. But then I'll go completely in the opposite direction and think I never want to have sex - but then I feel like I'm just going back to that old attitude because that's what I expect of myself having id'd as ace for a few years, and it's not actually what I want.

It's difficult to actually sift through all the expectations I've placed on myself over the years - when I was 12/13 I was convinced I'd have lost my virginity by 14, which is a real contrast to when I was 15 I briefly had a period where I tried to completely cut myself from all sexuality or sexual experience - and work out underneath it all if I do want sex or not.

What I have worked out it that I wouldn't like to have sex with strangers and that I wouldn't like to have sex with a romantic partner, so if I did want to have sex, which I'm still not even sure if I do, it'd be a friends with benefits situation. But then I worry that that'd be difficult to sort out - firstly I'm awful at communication and very anxious and asking someone if they want to have sex with me sounds like an absolute nightmare - but also I tend to be pretty open about the fact I don't want to have sex with most people, but I feel like that also blocks me off to having sex with all people. I feel like there are friends I have right now that I'd be open to experimenting with, but since I'm open about generally not wanting relationships they all assume that I'm not an option at all sexually, so those opportunities never come up.

And it's all well and good me wondering what I would do if I hypothetically did get an offer to experiment sexually with someone, but I don't think I'll properly, fully know how I feel about sex until it happens in real life. But I feel like until I work out whether I want sex or not and can then be open and communicate that with other people, that isn't going to happen, because my friends aren't the kind of people that would have sex with a friend who's not really sure if they actually want to have sex or not.

So I'm kind of in limbo right now.

This whole situation isn't an immediate problem for me, but it's been on my mind for years now, and I just want to work out what I want and what I should do about it. I appreciate that it might take a bit more thinking, and I'm fine with that, but I also feel like at this point I'm just overthinking and making myself even more confused. It's kind of stressing me out.

[Sam W]

Hi leider,

You've offered a lot of context here, which is really helpful! And it sounds like you've gone a lot of introspection around this. That can certainly be useful but, as you noted, there can come a point where we start to overthink in a way that just isn't productive and that ends up stressing us out.

I think a helpful starting place in unpicking all this is: is there something that's creating a sense of urgency for you? Some reason you feel like you need to know sooner rather than later what kind of relationship you'd want or what kind of sex--including no sex--you want to have?

[flugame]

I guess it's partly because I've realised over the past few months how good sexuality can be when and I've enjoyed getting to explore with my sexuality on my own, and I now potentially want to expand that? I've generally found that it's just nice to have clarity over who I am and what I want, but also if sexual relationships are something that I'd enjoy then I don't want to deprive myself of that, if that makes sense? Once I'd accepted that masturbation was part of my life and actually let myself enjoy it I kind of regretted spending so much time stressing out over it, and I feel like it might be the same with sexual relationships. Mainly it's just that I want to stop being stressed about it, but I guess there's also a feeling of, if I do want a sexual relationship, I want to get experience sooner rather than waiting for ages and then when I eventually have sex being very inexperienced and not knowing what to do? I'd rather be inexperienced now, when everyone else my age is, than in 10 years, when it'd make me feel immature (even if it doesn't actually make me immature).

[Nicole]

Hi leider,

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here. I've had similar conversations about circumstances like these with various people in the past. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that putting pressure on yourself to experience a sexual relationship, rather than it just happening "organically," might end up causing more harm than good. You mentioned stress already, as well as overthinking and confusion. I can understand why you feel this way. Do you think it might help to start a line of communication about how you're feeling with your friends? I know you've mentioned that you've told your friends that you're not interested in sex, but maybe once you start vocalizing some of the things you told us, then maybe it'll clarify how you feel about sex to those around you.

Also, from what I've read here, I think you have a decent idea of what you want, but you just want to experience it to see if it feels right or not. Plus, I want to mention that knowing what you want now is subject to change. As you said yourself, your feelings toward sex have changed as you've gotten older, and it can continue to change throughout the rest of your life.

Let me know if any of this resonates with you or if you have any corrections, questions, etc.!

[flugame]

I definitely agree that putting more pressure on myself to have sexual experiences immediately won't help, and I'm trying to avoid doing that, but my brain kind of automatically jumps to being pretty black and white so that's difficult sometimes. Writing that all out definitely helped me clarify to some extent, but I still always have that hesitance - I definitely agree that I want to experience it and then see if it feels right or not.

Slightly unrelated point - I had a relationship with a guy a few years ago and didn't enjoy kissing him, previously I thought that was because I was asexual and kissing just wasn't at all for me, but now I'm thinking maybe he just wasn't a great kisser or that was because I was 13? I really struggle not to jump to conclusions in regards to sexuality because it can be so easy to write off one bad experience as every experience being bad. That's another slight worry for the future - that I'd have one bad sexual experience and then try and completely give up on sex again, and I struggle to avoid coming to those very extreme reactions like I did when I was younger. Do you have any advice on avoiding that? It might be more of a general thing than a sexuality thing, but it's most prevalent for sexual experiences for me.

[Heather]

Hey there, leider.

I feel like something that's missing in the way you primarily have been thinking about sex with other people...is the other person. This idea that we can have any real sense of if we do or don't want to be sexual with someone else without knowing who the someone else is is a little bit like saying yes to a meal before we know what the meal even is. Get what I mean?

For sure, we will sometimes not be into something with someone else because that just isn't what feels good or right with that person or in that context. If we kiss people or are otherwise physical with them, it often will be a wide range of experience just like when we talk with someone. And there are also literally billions of people in the world, so the notion that the way kissing one person feels is how kissing everyone could feel is pretty far-fetched.

I also want to say that the idea that in ten years, everyone will have so much more sexual experience than you doesn't square with what we know about sexuality. We hear from people here all the time who are just starting to explore sex with partners in their mid-twenties. To boot, this isn't something where it's wise to try and "get experience" just so you have it. Being part of sex we aren't really into gives us experience, for sure, but what that experience often is are negative feelings and associations, and that doesn't help anyone. As well, we are always new with a new partner, so even someone at 50 who has had 20 lovers, for example, will still be new to someone they haven't been with before and vice-versa. Sex just isn't something that is the same with all partners, at all life phases, in all contexts.

I want to link you to a piece I wrote a while back that I think might fill in some gaps for you, or at least inject some more ways of thinking about all this into the conversation: Don't Want To Have Sex?