boyfriend lacks initiative

[naurmi008]

Hi! So I want to bring up a constant theme of issue in my relationship, which is my bf lacking initiative. He's sweet and kind at core but a bit dense. A few instances of this is when my birthday was coming up, and he was aware of this. I kept reminding him, hinting that I wanted to hangout and even blatantly saying it too, yet he kept choosing to hangout with his friends back to back. And on my actual birthday, he had nothing for me. He had prepared nothing! No paragraph, no letter, no flowers, no gifts -- I had told him multiple times I wanted something, even if it was something small, for my birthday. And I was really hurt because for his birthday, I planned 2 weeks ahead and made it as special as I could. Another instance was when it was my graduation day and I had to literally straight up tell him "no you cannot come empty-handed when all the other boyfriends are giving their graduating girlfriends flowers". Small things like him never initiating hangouts/dates (when he does this to his friends) or me having to ask for compliments hurts. And I have talked about this thoroughly with him. He's great in every other aspect but this so I don't know what to do

[Nicole]

Hi naurmi008,

I can understand why this is frustrating and I'm sorry that this has been happening. I've been in similar situations with partners in the past. The first thing I always recommend is communicating how you feel, like telling him exactly what you told us. Having a conversation about expectations from both sides of the relationship is extremely important. Although, it seems like you've already done so, many times. From what I've gathered from my experience, your partner might be young and not fully grasp how important or special these moments can be. While I was growing up, I noticed that some guys tended to prioritize time with their friends over their partners, usually unintentionally. Also, personally, I've accepted that if your partner does not make you feel valued or respected, then that should be considered in how to move forward in the relationship. Lastly, I do want to mention that gift-giving and quality time may not be part of your partner's love language and that is also something you might want to consider moving forward compatibility-wise.

Before I go, I want to recommend this article of ours: Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup? Please let me know what you think or if any of it resonates with you.

[naurmi008]

Hi, thank you for the answer! I have communicated with him on multiple occasions on this and he says he'll do better etc. I think he grasps that these moments are special because he cares about HIS moments (i.e. he got upset when his parents semi-forgot about his birthday) but maybe he doesn't care enough about my special occasions.
His love language is quality time and mine is words of affirmation. I don't expect him to shower me with gifts but a paragraph or letter here and there would be nice. I sometimes feel underappreciated because I text him paragraphs often and he just doesn't reply to them or forgets about it.
I try my best to match his love language. I'm very academics-oriented but I always find time -- even staying up after studying -- to call him, i put aside my plans for him, etc
I've talked to him a lot and always ask "how can i make you feel more loved?" "am i loving you correctly?" and such, and he says I don't have anything to improve so whenever I tell him "I wish you were a bit more x y z" I get all guilty. Usually he ends up crying because he feels bad which results in me having to comfort him amidst my hurt so now I don't know how to communicate with him without me being drained
What would be a good way on talking to him about this issue?

[Nicole]

Hi naurmi008,

I have a few questions I want to ask before moving forward. Has this been always going on in your relationship? Or has this only been a recent change? Have you always felt like there was a mismatch?

Also, there seems to be some kind of tension in your approach to speaking to your boyfriend about this issue, which I think you might be noticing, as his crying could be a response to that. You mentioned that it's draining to comfort him when you're already hurting; I want to emphasize that the comfort that you bring him during those moments is part of creating a productive and nurturing conversation between the both of you. When you approach your boyfriend about these issues, what are your expectations? How do you expect him to respond/react?

Did you get a chance to take a look at the resource I linked in my original response to you? I think it can help in deciding how to move forward in your relationship.

[naurmi008]

Hi! I've been dating him for about 10 months now and at first I felt like he was perfect for me. I've felt like this was an issue maybe a few months back?
When I talk to him about these issues I just expect him to say sorry and that he'll do better (which he does!). It's hard sometimes to have to get myself together (because when I talk about this I can get emotional and end up crying too) and have to comfort him, I always encourage him and reassure him that it's ok to cry but it gets tiring from time to time
And yes I did take a look at the article! I think I should read it more thoroughly though

[Sam W]

Hi naurmi008,

I wonder, do you think the dynamic you're seeing as an issue maybe started even sooner than you think, but because you were still at a point where the relationship was very new and exciting? I ask because the first six months or so of a relationship are often characterized by the sense that our new partner is the most perfect and interesting person, which can cause us to not notice certain things about them until later on. I ask because some of this might just be that this is where you partner is at in terms of his communication and needs right now, and you might be realizing you each actually need different things than this relationship can provide.

Have you had a chance to look at that article again? Does it feel like there are things in it that are present in your relationship? If so, which ones?

[naurmi008]

Hi! I think this issue is a recent one, we didn't have this many mismatches early on in our relationship
And yes I did get a chance to read that article. I resonated with the communication section and realized that I don't really like the words he uses and how he sometimes lacks the ability to try and empathize with me

[Amanda B]

Hi naurmi008,

It sounds like Sam and Nicole provided some great resources for working through these communication challenges in your relationship. I'd like to point you in the direction of some additional resources on the site, including this quote from our article, Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship:

As our relationships develop we need to stay communicating throughout, about both the good or easier stuff and the tougher stuff. We need to share our joys and our woes with a partner, and to keep finding out more about each other. In a healthy relationship, we're openly communicating, including mutually sharing things that may challenge us or our partners, or may make us both feel more vulnerable or emotionally exposed.

It sounds like you have thought a lot about your needs, and you probably already know the above to be true. I'll echo Nicole and Sam's point that your boyfriend may not have thought about his communication needs and style as deeply, therefore is at a different place in terms of his ability to engage with you at the level it sounds like you're desiring. How open do you think your boyfriend would be to take a peek at some of the resources on our website? How would you feel if he seemed unwilling to develop his communication skills in a way that would meet your needs?

[naurmi008]

Hi, thank you for the resources! I think he'll be pretty open to reading some of the articles here! If he was unwilling to steer his communication skills to match my needs more, well I guess we're just not meant to be