How to regain pleasure after CSA

[suomi]

Hello! As the title says, I am a survivor of several instances of sexual assault. A few months ago my sexual desire completely shut off after a particularly bad instance and haven't been able to feel anything no matter what I try. It's like I've completely lost feeling both physically and mentally, even if I'm not triggered. I'm not sure what to do at this point, I want to feel it again so badly and to not let CSA control me like this.
Thank you much in advance!

[Amanda B]

Hi suomi,

I'd first like to say how sorry I am that this happened to you. It sounds like you've been able to experience sexual desire since, but recently the desire has declined. I think it's important to first acknowledge that you have been able to experience desire and pleasure, which means it will likely return at some point when your body and mind feel ready. Healing is by no means linear. It's natural to experience ebbs and flows on your healing journey, and it's important to be patient with yourself. I am going to provide some links to resources on our site, but please do not feel obligated to visit them if they may be too triggering. I'd like to start with a quote about healing from one of our articles, No Grey Area: A Journey Identifying and Healing from Sexual Assault:

The baby steps of healing were, for me, the most important. I found healing in music (my healing had a lot of Taylor Swift involved). It came from setting up safety strategies with my friends when we went out at night. It came from, once I was comfortable having sex again, being vocal about my boundaries and clear about what I wanted from my relationships. It was incredibly empowering to have sex only when I really wanted to, and to not have sex at all when I wasn’t feeling like it, for any reason at all. No reason for not wanting sex is too small. Ever.

I'd also like to suggest a message board thread that may be helpful, The sex lives of CSA survivors. These resources are here if and when you feel ready to explore them.

[suomi]

Thank you very much for your reply, Amanda!
I read through the article and message board. It's a big relief knowing it'll likely come back.
Is it okay if I talk a bit more about worries pertaining to this subject, or is there another place best suited to it?

Thank you again!

[Sam W]

Hi Suomi,

You're more than welcome to keep talking about those worries here, and we'll support you however we can!

[suomi]

Thank you!!
Then another reason I'm worried is because I mainly only felt attraction during an unhealthy and hypersexual relationship, so I'm worried there's a possibility the attraction might've just been a coping mechanism? And I'm reverting to my original state, if that makes sense! I was still in the relationship during and after the assault, so I'm worried the assault might've been a final switch?
Sorry for switching to such a strange subject! But thank you again in advance!

[Sam W]

With those fears about attraction being a coping mechanism, when you think about the attraction you had to that person, what about them was attractive to you? Was it their appearance or personality (or both)? Was it the way they made you feel? Something else entirely.

Too, I do want to check since the particularly bad incident you're referencing was a few months ago, were these assaults by someone you live with or see frequently?

[suomi]

I'm not sure! He came onto me and kind of introduced me to sex, so I liked the attention and that he took charge. He also complimented me a lot but again we were in a really bad relationship so I'm not sure what to think of it looking back.

And I'm very very sorry but I'm not comfortable disclosing who it is for safety reasons!!

[Sam W]

Got it. It does sound like that the relationship as a whole was probably not healthy for you, but it also sounds like you already knew that. I don't think the fact you experienced desire in and of itself is a result of the CSA, but it sounds like engaging with that desire might have been an element of of an unhealthy relationship.

And that's okay! We want everyone to only share what they feel safe sharing here. I will say that if you ever need it, we're happy to give you resources about what to do if you're in an unsafe living situation or how to get out of being in contact with someone who has a history of hurting you.

[suomi]

Thank you for talking to me about this! And I would appreciate those resources, thank you so much again!

[Sam W]

You're very welcome! And here are a few resources to start you out with:
The Scarleteen Safety Plan

This thread may also be relevant to the situation: viewtopic.php?f=5&t=8121&p=41429&hilit=unsafe#p41429

I do want to add that, depending on the specifics, there may be small steps you can take that would have the big impact of keeping this person away from you. That could be finding ways--like volunteering, seeing friends, even a summer job--to get out of the house, having friends or other safe people over and around you as much as possible, or even figuring out a way to get a lock or other block on, say, a bedroom door if that's relevant.

Since you don't feel safe saying who the threat is coming from, we could still talk about the circumstances under which the assaults have happened and how to either avoid or get out of them. In a fair world, it shouldn't be on you to figure that out, but sadly we don't live in a fair world a lot of the time (I also don't mean to push you to share more information if you're not comfortable or ready to; it's simply that your safety is the most important thing, and I wouldn't be doing my job very well if I knew you were in an unsafe situation and didn't try to work out ways we could help you create some kind of safety planning).

[suomi]

Thank you! I've been trying my best to avoid the situations.

I'd like to check before going on, am I at risk of getting the police called on my IP for talking about/describing this? Like, any risk at all?

[Sam W]

So, in my ten years of working here, we've only ever called protective services (like CPS) once, in the case of a user who was in more or less immediate, on-going danger of being assaulted by a family member who lived in the home. And that was after we had exhausted every, and I mean every, other avenue of getting or keeping that person safe (and we were also confident in who they were and where they lived, which isn't always the case). When I think about just how many users we've spoken to in that time who were in unsafe situations, it's the one time we had to do that, which is why it sticks out in my memory.

In other words, we treat intervening with CPS on a users behalf as a last resort (unless it's something a user has asked us to do or needs our help navigating). We're not mandated reporters in the way a teacher or therapist would be, which does give us more ability to talk with users about unsafe situations without involving authorities.

[suomi]

Wonderful! Thank you very much! I'm not in immediate danger of assault so all should be good.

Then to add on to what was said above, I do try to stay away from the person the best I can, but they are just so invasive. It doesn't happen as often now though!

[Sam W]

I'm glad to hear you're not in immediate danger, even if it's clear you're not as safe as you deserve to be. Is this someone who has access to where you live, or is their invasiveness more to do with them being able to insert themselves into a bunch of places in your life, making it hard for you to avoid them?

[suomi]

Both, unfortunately.

[Sam W]

I'm so sorry to hear that. Is this someone your age, or thereabouts, where the adults in your life might have some ability to run block for you? Too, can you give me a sense of the things you've already tried in terms of keeping them away from you, just so I'm not recommending things you've already put in place or tried to?

[suomi]

They're much older, and the adults in my house don't care/do some of it themselves.
So far I've planned to get food around their schedule, hid in my room, faked sick/sleeping to get out of events, and went to sleepover when I knew they'd be home.
I'm mostly worried about the events since they're the hardest to move around.

[Latha]

Hi there, Suomi!

I'm jumping in because I'm on shift, I hope you don't mind. Honestly, at minimum, you should be able to rely on the adults in your life for protection from this, and it is awful that you can't. I do think that the things you've already tried to avoid being around this person are quite good, though.

So the problem is these events- I think we should brainstorm ways for you to stay safe(r) during the events, or ways to get out of them entirely. What do you think?

If you don't mind me asking (and you don't have to answer) what kind of events are these? Are they held at your home, or outside? During the day, or at night? Do you think you get out of them by doing one of the things that Sam suggested earlier, like volunteering, finding a job, or going out with friends?

[suomi]

No problem! Much appreciated!

And yes I'd love to

They're mostly family get-togethers, or sometimes they just make us come downstairs. They're mostly at night/noon and inside.

I'm unable to get a job or volunteer due to differing abilities, and only have one friend whose house I can go to. So mostly I just pretend to sleep or have cramps. Plus they ban us from leaving the house when they know they're going to have a get-together. Very annoying!

[Sam W]

Hi suomi,

Has the pretending to sleep or have cramps been working so far? Or does it seem like they're starting to suspect something and pressuring you to come to the event even when you're asleep or not feeling well?

It's also annoying that they won't let you leave during the get-togethers, although from what you've shared so far it doesn't surprise me that they won't. You mention you have a friend who's house you can go to; do you have the ability to invite that friend over, including during these events? It's possible having someone with you would act as a buffer.

Too, as we're brainstorming all this, can you give me a sense of what your transportation situation is like? Not only a car, but things like walking, riding a bike, or taking public transit?

[suomi]

It doesn't work much and mostly just gets me out for 20 minutes or so.

And the person refuses to come to my house anymore since last time they sexually harassed/touched me in front of them.

And the only transit I have is walking unless my parents agree to drive.

[Sam W]

It's understandable that your friend made that call, although it sucks that it means the people in your house have created a space where neither you nor your friends feel safe, thus keeping you even more isolated.

I wonder if a way to come at this might be from the perspective of playing into things your parents value that also get you away from this person or out of the house. For instance, do they put a lot of value on education? Church? Work? Are there goals or expectations they've set for you that you might be able to leverage into a little more freedom?

[suomi]

That's a very good idea!

They sure push education and having me work. However, I'm not sure how to go about it since it's hard to get out of the house due to differing abilities. I receive virtual schooling so that's difficult as well.
It'd be nice to get a job to get away from them but again it's difficult. Especially without accommodations and flexible breaks which is the norm here.

Sorry for the difficult situation, thank you again for trying to help

[Latha]

Hi Suomi!

No no, the situation isn't difficult for us at all- really, you're the one who has to deal with it. As I see it, the circumstances are what they are, and we just have to think around them- that's no trouble for us.

If I may ask, what kind of accommodations are you looking for?

Do you think spending time at a public library is an option? Volunteering/working at a library could be less demanding than some other jobs, depending on the accommodations you need. You could also spin it to be about your education, and getting resources to help with some difficult subjects.

[suomi]

Glad to hear!!

It's just lot-Like sometimes I can't walk or talk but it really depends on the day and situation

That's a really good idea actually!! I'll have to ask about what they do, thank you!