identity troubles

[SillyMcGoof_]

hiya! so for some background i used to identify as asexual but i no longer identify that way because i realized that what made me “feel asexual” i guess was all of the sex negativity, sexual shame, and purity culture that was drilled in my brain, and since unpacking all of that i no longer identify as asexual.

now, i’ve been extremely attracted (heh) to the alloaro/aroallo (alloaro and its variations is short for allosexual aromantic for those who dont know) label. using that label, the flag, etc feels so comfy and it just feels like us (well at least us collectively because our orientations usually differ between members) but i feel sort of out of place in the community. a lot of its for more silly stuff, like for example ive seen a few tumblr posts about how the op always didn’t understand the point of (primarily romantic) relationships besides sex, which ik its silly but because i never thought that way my brain is like “you’re not actually alloaro”

another thing is that im not 100% sure if i experience real sexual attraction. like when i look it up all that comes up is about all the physical symptoms which i don’t really get most of the time. i do experience many forms of tertiary attraction such as aesthetic, but a lot of the time when i see someone i feel attracted to them and feel a desire to do sexual things with them, but usually it doesn’t come with the whole “heart racing heavy breathing” stuff most articles and people say. iirc that usually only happens when i look at more erotic/sexy things if that makes sense. im just worried that this isn’t real sexual attraction. i’ve heard someone say that allosexuality is a spectrum but i wasn’t 100% sure exactly what they ment by that or what that entails i guess, so if anyone can elaborate more on that that is definitely appreciated.

also at least at this moment i’ve never really had interest in like actually doing sexual things with people in the outerworld (which just means people outside our system). like i have desires about doing things but the thought of actually doing them with other people that arent in our system freaks me out. i know that there are probably lots of allos that dont want sex or are even repulsed by sex and just feel attraction, but idk.

hopefully all my rambling makes some sense, note that i probably did word some things wrong or didn’t describe things right because describing my feelings via words is really hard for me a lot of the time, so my words might not be 100% accurate to what i feel but i described it the best i can.

any advice/input is appreciated. thanks!!

[Heather]

Good morning, Silly.

I'm having a little bit of trouble identifying the questions you've got with this. Can you write a few of them out for me separate from that post? What help are you looking for with this for us? Thanks!

[SillyMcGoof_]

ahh!! my apologies.

basically in short i mainly wanna know what im experiencing is actually sexual attraction and not something else, and if il actually aroallo i guess. aswell as general validation ig? im sorry that the post was hard to understand :[

[Heather]

It's okay, my understanding everything is not on you! <3

So, this is one of those things where someone else isn't likely to be able to tell you that. Instead, this is something where we are most likely to figure it out by just experiencing and observing our experiences and feelings over time. The good news is no one ever needs any kind of for sure answer to any of this at any time in life: it's always okay to be questioning, in flux, or just seeing how it all goes as it goes.

Now, I'm not sure what articles you have been reading, but I would not say that just feeling attracted to someone comes with things like heavy breathing and heart palpitations. That sounds more like fiction than bonafide sexuality information to me, or like people describing sexual arousal or physical responses to sexual activity, not attraction.

It might help to think about attraction as curiosity or interest.

In other words, if I feel attracted to someone, generally what I am feeling is curious about them in some way, or interested in them. It's like an "Oooh, who is that?" If I identify that as sexual, it means those feelings are coming from or poking at what I experience or identify as my sexuality.

We can also feel sexually attracted to someone and have a desire to be sexual with them or feel sexually attracted to someone but not have that desire, whether that's about just not being there yet, or that's about feeling attracted, but also seeing or experiencing something that buzzkills our desire.

You -- like anyone -- get to use whatever words or phrases or ways of explaining your sexual feelings or identity that work for you. There's no qualifying process, you know? These terms are ultimately for you, to meet your needs, whatever they are. The same goes with your experiences of desire. Your feelings are real because you have them: no one else can tell you they are or aren't, because no one else is experiencing your feelings but you.

Do you have any sense of where the concern about what's "real" is coming from for you?

[SillyMcGoof_]

thank you so much, this helps a lot and i feel a bit better after reading all that. in terms of the things ive read it’s mainly just stuff about what sexual attraction feels like n stuff from like webmd or whatever.

im not 100% sure where the feeling is coming from. ig its just a general worry that im not actually alloaro bc i dont actually experience real sexual attraction and that im a fraud n stuff if that makes sense

[Michaela]

Hi SillyMcGoof,

It sounds like your worries surround the label and fitting in or not with that label. Is that right?

As Heather mentioned above, feelings, attraction, and sexuality can all be a little complicated (an understatement, of course) and everchanging throughout our life but definitely around your age the most. So, it can be challenging to find a label that feels right, but it is not something that has to be settled now, or ever. You are SillyMcGoof and you cannot be a fraud at being yourself. So focusing more on the things that you do feel rather than trying to fit them into a pre-defined box could provide you with a little more flexibility and openness to those fluxes, approaching them with curiosity and acceptance. Do you want to talk a little more about why specifically this label is important to you?

[SillyMcGoof_]

yeah that’s essentially how i feel.

thank you for the kind words. i guess it just feels so freeing especially after all those years of sexual shame to identify as aroallo. after we unpacked everything and feel more confident in our sexualities idk it just feels so liberating. it feels nice to just embrace being sexual beings who are also aromantic yk? idk if that makes much sense but yeah thats the best way i can describe it

[Sofi]

Makes total sense! I'm glad you all were able to figure that out and feel more confident

[SillyMcGoof_]

thank you!!