Sexual identity crisis/first steps into intimacy/etc etc

[DollyLaRue]

To preface, I'm 20. I've been quite adamant and confident about my exclusive attraction to women, identifying as a lesbian for most of my life. I've never had much luck when it comes to romance or sex, I'm pretty messed up when it comes to my sexuality and I've never been in any kind of relationship. My attraction to women is unquestionable, though. HowEVER. Ever since I've been successfully medicated for my severe OCD, and I've been more comfortable in my skin, I've been battling the gender identity beast as well as a brand new sexuality crisis, now that there are other things to worry about.

I've recently reconnected with a mutual friend from high school. He is the only cishet guy I've ever met who I feel truly gets me. We have so much in common it's crazy. He's really receptive and empathetic to my other friends and i's discussions about misogyny and queerphobia we've personally faced, in a way that barely anyone else like him is. I'm incredibly masculine and gender non conforming, I hate being perceived as a girl. I deal with a lot of internalized self hatred and figured that my masculinity was off putting to a lot of people, and I rejected the idea of being with a guy because I didn't want him to try and make me his "girlfriend". But this friend of mine doesn't treat me like a "girl" the same way most cishet guys I know tend to do. We get along insanely well. Like "only-a-few-times-in-a-lifetime" well. His tastes in art are almost the same as mine, which is incredibly important to the both of us. And we're also each other's very first experiences with physical intimacy! We cuddle and hold hands and spoon every time we see each other. Neither of us know why it started happening. But it's nice to have someone who is so eager to be held by me/vice versa when my self esteem has historically been so very low.

I don't find masculinity particularly attractive. I love femininity and I figured that if I ever "liked" a guy, he would be a bit of a weakling. He's definitely not "masculine" but not particularly feminine or gnc or whatever. Most people assume he's gay and he's expressed to me his affection for girls who are aggressive and domineering (like me!) I can tell he genuinely enjoys my company and it's HARD to convince me of that with most people. So it's been interesting and kind of intimidating (ok it's very intimidating. That's why I'm writing this)

I hate the idea of my first ever partner being a guy when I've been so adamant about my lesbian identity. I hate the idea of being seen as a liar or having that fact used to perpetuate more misogyny/homophobia against me and others like me. I hate how scared I am that he's just like all the rest I've known and just sees me as something to conquer or fix, even though I can't imagine he'd ever feel that way. I hate how I don't know how to articulate how I actually feel about him? I don't know if I find him sexually attractive, or if that even matters. The other night I sat on his lap sort of and I thought I felt something underneath me haha. Which was fine and neither of us seemed to care, I even found it a little endearing, but I was also kind of freaked out by the idea of me of all people being able to elicit that kind of reaction in a person even if it was completely involuntary. The idea of kissing, sex etc is something I stuff down as soon as I imagine it, but that's how I felt about relationships with guys in general. So I don't know what I'd actually think in the moment. It's entirely possible I'd welcome it with open arms. I don't really have anything to go off of. Sometimes we cuddle and instead of reflecting on it with fondness, I feel nauseous. He's never done anything wrong, I think this particular aspect of my life is just incredibly difficult to unpack. I don't even know what kind of advice I'm looking for here. I just don't have the courage to tell people in my real life about this, and my therapist teased me about it when I opened up to her lol... If anyone has any thoughts to share I'd love to hear them.

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards!

I hear you’re a bit confused and frustrated by your feelings for this person, but also struggling with your own sexuality, so I want to start with a few questions about that so we can get a better picture. You said “I'm pretty messed up when it comes to my sexuality”, can you elaborate? It sounds like you’re being a bit harsh on yourself here, but I’d like to understand more where you’re coming from. We don’t really see people as “messed up” here, so I’d love to try to help you work through those feelings around your sexuality. Did you feel that way even before this person came into the picture?

Now, regarding your friend, I can understand why if you’ve been using the label of lesbian and more importantly being attached to that identity, this can be confusing and feel wrong. I also don’t think it’s ever good for us to box ourselves in to any labels when it comes to our identity because things like sexuality are super fluid and can change for a lot people over time. And as you can see, it can then harm potential relationships with someone who might be a good fit in our life. It sounds like your friend cares about you as a person beyond things like gender and sexuality, just like you do for him. At the end of the day, we are all human, and we can’t help who we connect with on a level beyond just physical attraction. This doesn’t have to completely change the label you prefer for yourself as far as sexuality, as that’s ultimately your choice.

While I agree that a lot of cishet men have problematic views about women, it’s also certainly possible for some men to have different views than the average, especially if they’ve purposely done some learning and unlearning around misogyny and such. I completely understand avoiding dating cishet men as a rule of thumb for yourself, but also that doesn’t mean you should push someone away who seems to respect and value you just because of their gender and sexuality identity. It could be that he himself is working through figuring that out for himself too, or that he simply doesn’t care about any of that. Have you talked to him about this, or brought up your concerns to him about it? I think it could be good for you to have those conversations with him and see how he navigates them. We can help you prepare for how to bring it up, if you’d like?

I also just want to check in about your therapist, you said she teased you about this…if it was in a way that felt invalidating, that’s not really okay. Did you mention to her that you didn’t get the support you were looking for from her? It’s not necessary for you to do so, you can always just switch therapists, I’m just trying to see if that’s something you want to do? It’s important you feel like it’s emotionally safe to bring anything up to her and not feel belittled in any way by her, so I’m sorry if it felt that way for you. <3