Sex hurts

[Spuka]

So, a while ago, I lost my virginity, which was painful and I think some part of my hymen broke because there was a lot of blood. Recently, I had sex again, the second time after that, and it hurts the same as it did on that day. Even fingering. I was really aroused and wet, so I don't think that's the problem. One finger didn't hurt, but when my bf tried to put in two fingers it was just horrible. I've tried fingering before, on my own, and back then it hurt the same. However, after a while, more could fit but it still wasn't nice, I wasn't feeling any pleasure, just pain, sort of like burning. I don't know if there is something wrong with me, I don't have any health problems, maybe it could be an infection? I also couldn't get off even with clit stimulation and I don't know why. I think I was a bit stressed the whole time, so my body reacted that way, but I feel comfortable with my bf so I really don't know what's wrong with me and I'm kinda desperate. I would really appreciate the help!

[Michaela]

Hi Spuka,

You mentioned multiple things in your post. First, is the physical pain and discomfort you are feeling from penetration. Have you consulted your doctor or gynecologist about this before? Pain with penetration is something a lot of people come onto our boards experiencing. We have this really great article that goes into a lot of depth that I would recommend you take a look at as well: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying painful intercourse..

Secondly, you mentioned being stressed while you are engaging in sexual activities. You were right when you said that it could be contributing. Our brains are actually the largest sexual organ in our body and they have a HUGE effect on all the other systems in our body that make sex pleasurable. Even if you are very turned on and comfortable with your boyfriend if there are worries you have about possible pain, something not working right, or anxieties about other aspects of life that are flooding into your brain at the same time, they can press the breaks on any arousal that is happening that can then make things like penetration more difficult since arousal tends to relax some of the muscles in the vagina making penetration easier. Penetration aside, these worries can also affect the ability to reach orgasm through external stimulation too. Would you mind explaining a little more about the things that you find yourself frequently stressing about during sex?

[Spuka]

I did not talk about the discomfort with my gynecologist but I made an appointment for this week because I was really frustrated with what happened and I want to get answers. Thank you for taking your time to reply, I'll also check that article soon enough. And to answer your question, I was stressing about sex while having it, if it makes sense. I was having thoughts like "what if it hurts the same as last time" "what if my lover doesn't enjoy it" "I shouldn't do that, maybe I don't look good while doing it" and other stuff like that. I'm not a really confident person and I've always struggled with my body image so most of my thoughts are based on that. That and my idea of how sex is portrayed and what it should feel like. At some point, I could see that my partner was getting really tired from trying to make me finish and in the end neither of us did, so it was a bit disappointing for me that I couldn't really live up to my expectations. I somehow hope this will go away with time, otherwise, it's going to be rough. If you have any sort of advice, I'd appreciate it!

[Sam W]

Hi Spuka,

I'm glad you've made an appointment with a gynecologist so you can look for potential physical causes!

It does sound from your description like stress may be playing a big role here as well. When we're worried about whether we're doing sex "right" or otherwise struggling with our confidence during it, that can not only cause us to do things like physically tense up, but also remove a lot of the mental and emotional pleasure from the moment, which leaves things feeling pretty unenjoyable. If you haven't already read it, I think taking a look at this article and trying to implement some of the advice from it could be really helpful: The Sex Goddess Blues: Building Sexual Confidence, Busting Perfectionism.

Too, it sounds like you, and maybe your partner as well, put a lot of importance on orgasm. While orgasm can be a really pleasurable part of a sexual experience, it's not the only thing that makes sex pleasurable. Often, when we focus on orgasm, rather than overall, mutual pleasure, as the "goal" of sex, it tends to make sex less pleasurable overall because we're putting pressure on ourselves or on our partner to accomplish a certain thing. So, do you think you could talk with your partner about having your sexual interactions center on what you each find pleasurable, with orgasm being something that's nice it if happens but not necessary?

[Spuka]

Hello! Thank you for your answer. I will see how my appointment goes and I will try to manage my stress, even though it's something I've dealt with for a long time. Also, I spoke to my partner and we sure will try to focus more on the pleasure part and what feels good, rather than having an orgasm. It is also just the second time doing this, so I guess with better practice and communication everything will get better over time. Have a nice day!

[Sam W]

You're very welcome! And that sounds like an excellent next step with your partner. If you need any help in those conversations, these articles could be useful: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist, https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... een_zine_0