I feel in love with my lesbian best friend

[Buckey17]

I meet this girl 5 months ago, we hit it off really quick as friends.
The first day we meet we had a 2 hour conversation and we learned a little about each other. It was then that she told me that she was gay and doesn't want to have a relationship with a guy.
The following weeks she was in a position where she needed help. I helped drive her around, and got to know here better. We hung out together a few times. I slowly over time started to have feelings for her. I have discussed this with her, and told her how I feel about her.
She is the first person to ever make me fill this way, I can't get her out of my head. I try so hard not to think about here but somehow always wind up thinking about her.
I respect her and her disisions, and life choices, and I stand by her. I love her, but at the same time know I will never get the chance to be with her like I want to.

I want to remain friends with her but it hurts so bad, I've had several emotional breaks over this.
I need advice, anything would help, thank you

[Buckey17]

She is now my best friend and we spend whatever time we can together, but sometimes that time together hurts me. When I'm with her, I feel happier and more relaxed, I can talk to her about things I can't tell anyone else. When I leave I feel myself closing off again.

All these feelings are new to me, so I don't quite understand them but all I know is that when I'm with her I'm happy and I can't stop thinking about her.

At the same time I try to respect her, and not do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable.

[Sam W]

Hi Buckey17,

One of the hardest things about crushes or falling for someone is that those things aren't always directed at people who are realistically potential partners for us. And it can suck even more when the feeling is for someone you genuinely care about as a friend and value your connection with, because the option to just stop being around them doesn't feel as doable (and in plenty of cases may not actually be the right call).

Since you know your friend will never be open to dating you, one thing that may help is to start focusing at least a little bit of energy on creating opportunities to find the people who ARE interested in dating you. Can you give me a sense of what things you've tried when it comes to dating? And what is your social circle like more generally?

[Buckey17]

Thank you

That helps. It helps to hear it from someone else.

When i meet her, I wasn't even looking for a relationship, it just happened. I'm not the type of person who is outgoing or who puts myself out there.

I've never been in a relationship before, so this is all new to me. What I do know is that for me to open up to someone I have to be able to trust them,

I'm very quiet and shy, I don't go looking for new people, unless I have to or am put in the position. Its hard for me to interact with new people, once I finally get comfortable with them then I open up.

I don't know why I fell for her, or how it happened, but over time my feelings just grew. I think it's because we get along so well together but I don't know.

Meeting New people just intimidate me so I usually just stick by the few people that I know from work

Again thank you

[Sam W]

You're very welcome!

I hear you on being shy and finding it pretty intimidating to talk with new people. But I do wonder if, because it sounds like you haven't had that many chances for deep connection, part of why your attraction to her is hitting you so hard is that it's so new and so unfamiliar that it's amplifying the intensity that can already be present with falling for someone.

Can you give me a sense of what you do with your time other then spending it with this friend or working? Do you have hobbies or other things you enjoy?

[Buckey17]

Thank you for understanding

I currently have 2 jobs and what time I do have I try to spend on myself. I don't get out to often and I really don't like going places or doing new things alone.

I fill out of place and usually just leave or give up. I get overwhelmed and try to find a spot away from other people.

And it doesn't help that my friend lived 2 hours from me so I can't just get here to come with me. She has said if she could she would be dragging me by my feet to meet new people.

I have just never found anything that I like and makes me comfortable enough to enteract with new people. I do that at work already and I have to keep that professional.

Usually if I'm home I'm watching movies or playing games, that is what I have found that helps me relax. And I'm alone and don't have to deal with people. My friend has gotten on to me about that many times. She has even said that I need to meet new people

[Buckey17]

It's hard because I am scared of being judged, I don't want people taking about me behind my back. So meeting new people has always been a challenge for me.

Like I said I respect my friends choices and decisions. I stand by her and am there if she ever needs help but I just have strong emotional and sexual feelings for her that I have to figure out

But I do understand that I need to meet new people.

[Latha]

Hi there, Buckey17!

Regarding feeling uncomfortable in social situations, here is how I try to think about it:

• A lot of people worry about being judged or somehow messing up in social situations, just as you do. Many people know what is like to feel embarrassed or out of place in social situations. By and large, they're not going to spend their time judging other people.

• People are often too preoccupied with their own lives to spend time judging other people

• There are unkind and judgemental people out there, but why do their opinions matter?

You mentioned that you like movies and games- I wonder if you'd be open to joining online communities focused on those topics if you haven't already. You can lurk until you feel comfortable, and practice taking small steps to interact with people at your own pace.

If you don't mind me asking, have you ever spoken to a counselor about these feelings? Would you want to?

[Buckey17]

No I haven't, I'm not the type of person who shares my feelings with other people. The only person who I'm comfortable sharing my feelings with is the same person who they are about.

I have had multiple conversations with her, and every time it helps, I get something from it. She is like me in this regard. When she was younger and still is, finds it difficult to meet new people, but unlike me she made significant changes in her life to help her overcome that.

It's hard for me to tell someone how I feel and why I'm sad if I don't know them, but even then I keep a lot of stuff bottled up. I just take it and I don't let it out or anything.

When I started to have feelings for my friend I told her, I didn't hide it, I didn't try to deny them, I told her up front how I felt. It helped her to be able to trust me and me to trust her,

I know that what I want from her I will never have, and that's hard for me. I try so hard to convince myself of that but for some reason I can't let her go, I am stuck. I want to spend time with here, be with her, but at the same time I know I cant.

I'm having to convince myself of this, and try to control my feelings. I try to have these types of conversations with her when I can, like I said it help to hear it come from someone other than me. And it help to hear it from her.

The part that sucks is I never felt like this until I meet her, she is the one who started all of it. I don't know if it's because she was the first person I ever let in and get close to me, or if there was more to it. There are times and I hate thinking this, but there are times I wish we never meet. But I don't want to do anything to scare her away or make her feel uncomfortable with me.

I had an almost 2 hour conversation with her last night. It helped a lot and I needed to hear some of that stuff come from her, because I know it is true. But it still didn't make it any easier to hear. But it did help.

I know it shouldn't be this way but to me she is my therapist, she will listen to my problems and try to help the best she can and it helps me hearing the reality come from her

I know this is a lot and I'm sorry but thank you, this is helpful

[Buckey17]

It doesn't help that she is the only person I am comfortable enough with to learn new thing, try new experiences. As it is now she is the only person how I feel comfortable enough to have sex with and again she knows this, but I know it will never happen.

I've never had a sexually, physically, or emotionally relationship with anyone ever but she is the only one who I feel safe enough and am comfortable enough to try anything with.

I know it's a lost cause but I just can't let it go

[Latha]

Hey, it's not a lot, don't worry!

I can see you're trying really hard to manage these feelings and that you really care about your friend. Bottling things up sounds stressful and exhausting, so it's great that you feel you can talk about your feelings with her. The thing is, she isn't the only person who could ever be a good friend or romantic partner for you. In fact, it is good for us all to have multiple connections, multiple people who we support and who can support us in our lives. There are people out there that you could be good friends with, if you reach out.

You mentioned that you're friend has also struggled with meeting new people, but has made changes that helped her. What were those changes that she made? Are there any that you think you could try?

If you don't mind me asking (you don't have to answer)- what is it about trying new things or sharing your feelings with other people that makes you uncomfortable? Would sharing your feelings with a counselor be all that different from how you're sharing things here?

[Buckey17]

The changes she made was she moved halfway across the country, knowing no one and nothing. She put herself in a position were she had no choice but to meet new people

It is something that I am considering, but I have so many things that I need to figure out first. Just I don't plan on moving half way across the country.

She also got involved, she forced herself to get involved in different groups. She has told me I need to do the same. I just don't have the same opportunities as she does where I currently live.

As for a the sharing my feelings thing, I don't tell people because, until i get to know you and trust you, I can't share anything personal about myself. I and afraid of being judged and people talking about me.

Once I get comfortable with someone then I open up more and the safer I fill with that person the more I will share. I know that my friend does not judge me, talk about me negatively behind my back, nor does she try to say/do anything negative to me.

Because of this I fill, completely comfortable and safe with her, and I know whatever we talk about stays between us.

And a counselor would help yes but, and I feel this is the same as a councilor just, you know, I'm not face to face with a person. When I try to talk about my feelings I can never find the right words. But typing helps me to thing about it a little more

[Latha]

Well, you certainly don't have to move halfway across the country to put yourself in situations where you can talk to new people. But you're right- having fewer opportunities would make that more difficult. If I may ask, what kind of place do you live in? Is it very rural?

It makes sense that you feel the need to trust people before you can talk about personal things- I'd say that's a wise choice actually. The thing is, you don't have to share very personal things when you're getting to know new people. You can keep the topic light and simple- that gives you the opportunity to get to know them and understand what kind of people they are. If you'd like, we can brainstorm ways to talk to new people.

Ahhh, I do understand the struggle to find the right words to explain something. A good therapist or counselor will be patient with you though, giving you the time you need to think. And you could try to write down what you feel beforehand, and then show it to them.

[Buckey17]

The place I live there are some places to go and some things to do if you can find them, my friend had better luck because she moved to the houston area. She had more opportunities than I do.

The people that I do talk to are usually people I work with. I have a thing where I keep my professional life and personal life separate. One of the big things that keeps me from talking to people and meeting people is, I deal with so many people at work already. I deal with people all day and when I have a day off I'm done with people for a few days.

I get overwhelmed and usually I'm not in a very good mood, I try to relax and calm down. I just don't get my personal life involved when I'm at work.

I have learned to write out how I feel, it helps me get the right words out and helps me calm down. Usually I wind up losing it emotionally while I right them but in the end it does help. I let her read them if she chooses to, and then we talk about how I feel, it helps to hear it come from her.

I just don't think that me personally I could go to someone and talk to them about how I feel, when I could go to the person who is making me feel that way and talk to them directly.

I know it sounds like I'm making excuses and keep running in circles, but it is something that I am trying to fix.

I will tell you our latest issue and then you can see how it affects me.

She is currently moving And asked me months ago if I could help her. And of course I said yes. I was so happy to help, I was looking forward to it, we already don't spend a lot of time together so I was looking forward to it. I was so needing it and wanting it.

Then it winds up coming up I'm a conversation a few days ago. She said she had a friend from work was going to help her. She didn't need my help anymore. I was so upset and disappointed and devastated, I was so looking forward to seeing her and helping her.

She was going to move her stuff the next day, and she didn't need me. It hit me hard. I broke down hard over that, mainly because I was so looking forward to helping her and seeing her, and than in an instant it's ripped away.

I try to did my best to keep it together while we talk about it on the phone. But after it hit me.

That next day see moved her stuff, and I had nothing to do with it, that night I had her come over an we talked about it. I was so mad, and upset that she did this to me but at the same time I was happy she was able to find an easier way to move, but it still wasn't easy. I was upset with her and she saw that, and we talked about it. Note (this isn't the first time that I have plans to help her and she changed the plans, then I get all pissy and mad and emotionally upset and stressed about it). She then said if that is how I'm going to keep feeling when she changes her plans when I'm supposed to help, then she isn't going to ask for my help anymore.

That absolutely crushed me I kept it together while we talked but after again it all came out. She hates that I am hard on myself when the plans change and she hates that I get so emotional over it. And it's completely understandable.

The only issue is it's going to be harder on me. When she doesn't ask for help it makes wh fill like I'm useless, like I'm dead weight. Like I can't do anything. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. It's not easy and unfortunately I think it's going to hurt so much more now than it did before.

This is the latest thing that is hard for me to come to grips with. And it is something that I don't know how to deal with

[Amanda B]

Hi Buckey17,

I'd like to reiterate what my colleague suggested earlier in this thread about finding community online. It sounds like online groups may have some similar interests as you, and it can be a great place to ease in. Do you think this is something you could try?

I suggest this because it sounds like it's really difficult when your friend changes plans on you, or relies on other people when you're also happy to help. It makes sense that this can feel disappointing. Do you think it would be easier to absorb things like a shift in plans if you have some additional people to talk to? Having more community, whether it's online or in-person, may give you more opportunities to help and support people in the ways you already enjoy doing with your friend. Does starting to branch out online seem like a doable first step? If you'd like, we can brainstorm some online communities that may be a good start.

[Buckey17]

Yeah i think that branching out will help, but I'm just very specific about who I associate with, communicate with, and interact with. But if I can find the right people than I think it will help.

Unfortunately the other issue that I have only lightly touched on about her is that I am strongly sexually attracted to her. I have these feeling, thoughts, and urges that I keep in check but just like my emotions they are hard to deal with.

Just like I said she is the first girl I have ever fallen for, she is also the first that I have ever been this sexually attracted to. But just like a relationship I know that will never happen either.

I was so shure she was going to be the one when we first meet, or at least I wanted her to be.

I just put all of my focus and feelings on her and unfortunately it just exploded and I never found a way to meet new people in a way that was comfortable for me nor did I really want to at the time.

[Amanda B]

I understand it can feel really disappointing when feelings are not reciprocated, especially such intense emotions as sexual and romantic attraction. It is essential to respect boundaries, which it sounds like have been well established in this relationship.

I am glad you're open to branching out. It's quite common to have specific needs for friendships; after all, friends are some of our most important relationships. It's reasonable to want to be around people we enjoy! Can you identify fun times you've had in the past with friends, maybe situations where this person wasn't even involved? I'm so glad they're in your life now, but it may be helpful to remember the good times you were capable of having before you met as a motivator for pursuing new relationships. Does this sound like a helpful exercise?

[Buckey17]

Yes thank you it does help, unfortunately the only few people that I have spent time with were from one of my jobs, and even then it was only when they asked if I wanted to join.

I'm not the type of person to initiate something, if someone asks if I want to join then I will, but I'm not going to say hey want to go do this because I don't really go anywhere interesting or fo interesting things

But yes it does help thank you

[Amanda B]

Do you still work with these people? If so, do you think you'd be open to hanging out again? If you had a good time with them at the place you went before, how would you feel about initiating the hang-out? This would not involve coming up with a whole new place to go, but it would allow you to return to a familiar place with familiar people; the only difference is your initiation.

If this sounds like too much, I'd recommend starting to find a community online. I know plenty of people who have had good luck in places like Discord, where people with similar interests can find community virtually. Would you be open to giving this a try?

[Buckey17]

Yeah I think that an online community would help. It would let me start small and slowly work my way up.

As for my coworkers yes I do still work with them, but everything that I was invited to do was because they already had the plans and the things required

But I think an online community might help

[Buckey17]

I just need to find the right groups then I think I will be able to slowly open up more

Thank you this has really helped

I just told my friend that I am going to nit be so pushy and I'm going to not text her so much for right now.

[Buckey17]

I think I just fucked up. I got upset and sent a text that never should have been sent

Following that text she said that she is done, and wants us to go our separate ways.

I don't want that but at the same time it's my fault this happened. I just let my emotions get the better of me, again.

Now I think I just lost my best friend

And she blocked my number so the only way to talk to her is if I wait till I see her at work

[Sam W]

It absolutely sucks to have a friend end things, and it sounds like you know this was connected to you making a choice you shouldn't have. Given that context, the soundest choice to make is to abide by whatever boundary she asked you to or set with you in that final message. Since you two work together, I wouldn't try to talk to her about this when you're at work; if she wants to reconnect with you or talk with you, she knows you're there. Trying to initiate a conversation about this so soon after her blocking you is likely to make her feel like you're not listening to her (the caveat here is that if you need to communicate with her about work things, that's totally fine since it's not tied to what happened between you two)

I'm a big proponent of treating the endings of friendships like breakups, especially when they end in a way that feels like a breakup in it's emotional intensity. If you have time today, can you give this a read and maybe pick some of the suggestions from it to use over the next few days? Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking