I can’t masterbate “normally”

[coolapples4]

I know there’s not a “normal” way to get off but i taught myself to cum in a strange way. When i was younger, not sure how or why but i started by laying down on my stomach, and using my palm to press down below my belly button, id grind on it, and that was it. Done in 2 mins. Id have no issue with doing this all the time because it’s what i need to do. But once i got older i now realize there’s a certain expectation to sex like, actually touching your genitals. Since i usually do it with my legs closed it’s awkward having them open, and touching my clit or penetration doesn’t do anything for me. I also have little patience trying since it only really takes a few minutes and i can move on with my day. I’ve talked in groups like this before and all i got was “what a blessing! it takes me usually 20mins!” or “wow no clean up? lucky!” But it’s alienating to masterbate in such a different way from most people. Please someone give me tips so i can hopefully finish during sex in the future and be more open to exploring different things!!

[Sam W]

Hi coolapples4,

So, while you're right that there are some expectations some people have about how sex "should" go, there's no reason the kind or stimulation you're describing couldn't be part of your sexual interactions with another person. Part of why sex educators talk so much about communication and filling out things like Yes, no, Maybe So lists is that a LOT of the sex people have doesn't actually fit the cultural expectations for how sex should look, so the important thing is to talk with each other about what does (and doesn't) feel good. Does that make sense?

Too, when it comes to making masturbation last longer, is that something you actually want to explore? Or is it more that you feel like it should be lasting longer than it does?

[coolapples4]

It’s not that i hate doing it the way i do and that i feel like i must change, it’s just that it kind of sucks to anyone i’m with when i tell them that i’m not going to finish during sex because i don’t know another way to replicate that feeling when i try or to tell them i can’t have sex because i can never finish during it even though i want to. It’s also that i’m not able to find any fun in sex toys because i’m molded to masterbate this specific way. Another point is that i want to be able to explore things i’m interested in like kinks but when i try them myself it just doesn’t push the buttons i need to push. So if you know any techniques or tips that are good for beginners that no one really talks about because it’s expected that people with vaginas would start doing it like that, it would be very helpful!

[Nicole]

Hi coolapples4,

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here! I think Sam made a really good point: There's no reason the kind of stimulation you're describing couldn't be part of your sexual interactions with another person. If you know what works for you and what will bring you pleasure and/or orgasm, I recommend that you communicate this with your partner so you both can work together and explore how you can do this particular form of masturbation together as a form of partnered sex. Do you think that could be a possibility?

Also, I think going into sex with the preface of "I'm not going to finish" or "I can't do it" creates an expectation without the opportunity of exploration, if that makes any sense. If you have already set your mind to this conclusion of no pleasure or orgasm when you have partnered sex, then it probably won't happen. The brain is actually the largest, most important, and most active sexual organ of the body, so it's best to keep your mind open and explore what will make you feel good. Does that make sense?

As for kinks, if something in particular doesn't work for you, then don't force it! Also, could you be a bit more specific about the techniques or tips that you're looking for? Is it regarding kink or masturbation in general?

I hope any of this helps or resonates with you!

[coolapples4]

As much as i wish it wasn’t true, i do believe there is a certain sense of guilt i felt for not being able to masterbate the same way as everyone else i knew did. So after accepting that, over the past couple days and after speaking on here i finally sat down and tried. Like for the first time actually tried to masterbate without thinking “this is taking so long” or having any expectations other than what happens happens, and i think i did it? i’m not sure. there was definitely a finish but it felt way different then how i usually orgasm, but i don’t think that’s a bad thing. Thank you to everyone who replied, you definitely helped reassure me and i will aim to overcome my feelings of hopelessness and will find ways to incorporate my usual ways of orgasming into my sexual life.

[Nicole]

Hi coolapples4,

This is great to hear! If you have any further questions or need any more help, please don't hesitate to reach out to us.