Lesbian or bisexual? (Nsfw)

[Caraclarry]

I’ve been calling myself a lesbian for a while, but I was wondering. Can a lesbian watch porn with men (straight And gay) and be into it and still be a lesbian? I do still watch porn with women and for women of course.

I feel like I only feel stuff while I actively masturbate. Because after I feel repulsion and when I’m not doing anything I feel nothing towards men not even sexually.

I also have more.. strange sexual interests with men? I like when men are aggressive in straight porn (and I guess this goes into I have a weird thing for guys being rude/aggressive/degrading to me. But this can go for any gender..) it’s not exclusively this stuff that I watch, I just notice I am very into it.
And I also am not usually into guys bodies, I don’t really pay attention, but when I am paying attention (and this mostly goes for gay stuff) I do have an interest in guys thatd be defined as “bears” or guys who are bigger with a more feminine body type? (Like, pear kinda body type, idk.)
My fantasies can be absolutely anything, but the actual porn I watch with men are more limited since the fantasies are better than the actual thing. But I still do like a lot of porn with men being the focus of my interest.
There’s a lot more stuff in this category that confuses me, but typing any of that embarrasses me so that’s all!

I guess, I don’t wanna use bisexual by itself cause it seems off to me. I have no interest in having sex with men like I do with women. The closest I’ve tried being sexual with men is over text and it’s.. not a comfortable thing for me. but porn and fantasies of men can do stuff for me. Are porn and fantasies different? Or would that still count.

[Sam W]

Hi Caraclarry,

While fantasies, or the sexual media we enjoy, can sometimes clue us in to elements of our sexual orientation, there are also plenty of instances in which they're completely unrelated to who we want to engage with in our real lives. Part of that has to do with the fact that what we enjoy about fantasies and sexual media doesn't always have to do with the gender(s) of the people involved, but with things like dynamics, aesthetics, etc.

The thing that jumps out to me is that when you describe how your sexual interest looks with real partners, not only do you prefer to do things with women, it seems like the times you've tried with men you haven't been into it. That, to me, suggests lesbian is a word that makes sense to describe yourself with, although you're always going to be the expert on what term, if any, feels right when you apply it to yourself.

[Caraclarry]

Hi Caraclarry,

While fantasies, or the sexual media we enjoy, can sometimes clue us in to elements of our sexual orientation, there are also plenty of instances in which they're completely unrelated to who we want to engage with in our real lives. Part of that has to do with the fact that what we enjoy about fantasies and sexual media doesn't always have to do with the gender(s) of the people involved, but with things like dynamics, aesthetics, etc.

The thing that jumps out to me is that when you describe how your sexual interest looks with real partners, not only do you prefer to do things with women, it seems like the times you've tried with men you haven't been into it. That, to me, suggests lesbian is a word that makes sense to describe yourself with, although you're always going to be the expert on what term, if any, feels right when you apply it to yourself.

I hope this is how you reply to people cause I have no clue..

But thanks for the response, but I’m still confused. If I don’t wanna have sex with men, how come I like them in porn? Or know I have certain preferences with that stuff? A few people have told me I can’t be a lesbian and like that stuff, cause it still counts as sexual attraction to men, and others have said it doesn’t matter.
I thought maybe it isn’t sexual attraction to men cause I don’t want to actually have sex with them, it’s more disconnected since I’m not actually involved. But sometimes watching that stuff does bring on fantasies, which I think that still counts as sexual attraction to most people?
I do like the lesbian label and will probably stick with it, but It is very confusing to me. I just have felt really invalid the past few days, or like I’m lying about being a lesbian.

[Sam W]

You know, I generally come down on the side of "people don't get to use the porn you like or fantasies you have to invalidate your identity" because what we enjoy watching or thinking about can have so many different reasons behind it. So trying to use it as proof that someone isn't lesbian (or gay, or straight, or anything else) is kind of silly.

As for why you enjoy men in porn, you're going to have a better sense of why than I would, but some reasons could be you like the scenarios, the dynamics, or maybe you even do like looking at a certain kind of guy, but looking is as far as it goes (in other words, you can enjoy them from a distance but you have zero desire to pursue any guy in real life).