How to navigate sexual pleasure, as a dysphoric transgender person?

[Bowler]

Hello,
New to the website, hope all is well.
I'm a 17 year old AFAB transgender person, and I'm unsure how to explore sexuality it, taking my gender into consideration. I'd love to learn and explore who I am, but it feels as though everything is gendered a certain way, and working with what I have can be a little difficult. I don't know how to really engage with what I'm "into" in a manner that sexually satisfies me whilst keeping me emotionally comfortable.
Thanks.

[Sam W]

Hi TristanJPercy,

Welcome! To start with, can you tell me a little more about what you're picturing when you envision exploring your sexuality? For instance, are you thinking mainly about masturbation, or are you thinking about things such as exploring and engaging with fantasy and desire in other ways as well?

[Bowler]

Primarily masturbation, although I'm open to exploring through other ways.

[Latha]

Hi there, TristanJPercy

Ah, I understand how masturbation can feel very gendered... It may take some trial and error, but there are things you can try to make masturbation more gender-affirming. For one, you could experiment with different positions (for example, by grinding into something below you). You could try to use toys like strokers- there are some types that are made to work for those who are pre-T as well. Doing things that make you feel masculine (like wearing masculine clothes) may help as well.

I don't know how to really engage with what I'm "into" in a manner that sexually satisfies me whilst keeping me emotionally comfortable.

If you feel comfortable, could you give us a sense of what you're into? Maybe we can offer some more specific suggestions.

[Bowler]

I've been enjoying sub kink erotica, as of late. (Strange to see it laid out in a sentence like that..)

I also guess I'm unsure about a traditional masculine identity? I dunno. I don't really want to be viewed as a man, if that makes sense. Masculinity is something I want to decide or myself, not accept the terms of it given to me by a society with (generally speaking) not my best interests at heart.
I'm trans but I don't really want to align myself with how men or masculine folks are supposed to behave, sexually and not. That's something to decide for myself, and a wave that I get to ride on by choice. Not what's given.

Apologies that's probably more long winded than necessary, just needed to throw that out there.

But yeah I've just been enjoying weird fanfics about people figuring themselves out. Trying new things, learning about them.. That's been pleasant.

[Latha]

Hi there, TristanJPercy

Don't worry, it wasn't long-winded. I think that is what is wonderful about gender- that you can make active choices in building it for yourself. You're right, you don't have to align yourself with how masculine people are expected to behave. My bad for assuming you necessarily wanted to be masculine.

Hmm, you could try to incorporate this kind of erotica or similar fantasies into your masturbation sessions if you haven't already. If I may ask, what kinds of things make you feel dysphoria?

[Bowler]

When it comes down to it, I think the motion and position that masturbation is is what gives me the discomfort.

[Ellie]

Hi TristanJPercy,

Hope you don't mind me jumping in on this thread. If you're comfortable answering, what specific motion/position is giving you discomfort and is there a position in mind that you would rather try? Wondering if something like a grinder toy might help switch it up.

[Bowler]

I just lie on my back, generally speaking.
I'm very ignorant as to a lot of this, so I'm not sure about alternative positions. Are there alternative means that you suggest?

[Ellie]

Hi TristanJPercy,

Sure, I can throw out a few options - though I want to preface this by saying that you're not limited to any of these, the possibilities are endless, it just depends on what feels good for you. Here are some common positions that folks use:

- Lying on their stomach
People lay face down and grind their pelvic bone against a hand or a toy (or both). A pillow can be used to support their hips in this position.
- Kneeling
With their upper body upright, they open their knees and support themselves with one arm, or hold onto a headboard or wall. This allows them to lean backwards or forwards and modify the position however they like. A pillow can be used for this position too, kneeling over top of it with their legs open. They can press and ride the surface beneath them. Grinder toys (textured silicone pads) are made with straps that secure the toy to a pillow (or a partner's leg) for this very position.
- On a chair
Some folks prefer to masturbate sitting on a chair (preferably a chair without arms) with their legs open. They can brace their legs by tucking their feet around the chair legs.
- Standing up
Some choose to lean back against a wall and move one knee to the side. It can help to have something to prop that leg up, like a step or side of a tub. Lots of people like to use this position in the shower, if they have a removable shower head it can be used for external stimulation. It's important to be careful not to point the stream directly into the vagina, which could rinse away healthy bacteria that protect us from infections.

These are just a few of the many possibilities to experiment with.

[Bowler]

Thanks, I'll look into it and give that a shot.

[Ellie]

Happy to help!