I thought I was Bi but now I don’t know what I am.

[lexinicole.01]

Hi I’m a Bisexual Polyamorous Trans man and I recently broke up with my girlfriend and it’s making me think about my sexuality a lot. I used to think I was Bi and I liked men and women equally but now that I only have my boyfriend it’s making me realize I don’t really like women that much. I like fictional women from shows and games but I don’t think I would actually want to date a woman. I’m into women sexually but I just can’t imagine myself actually dating a woman. I might date a woman if I had like a personal connection with them or something but I can’t think of any other reason I would date one. Its my first time here so I’m not sure how this works but I really need advice.

[Heather]

Hi there, lexinicole, and welcome to the boards.

I have a couple things I feel a little unclear about in your post, so maybe we can get on the same page with those first so I can best help out.

So, generally, when people date, they do have a personal connection: like, that's kind of the whole point of dating, is to make and experience and explore a connection. What's your understanding of what dating is about and for? I'm also not sure what you mean when you talk about having a reason to date women, or anyone else for that matter. Again, usually people's reasons for dating anyone, or wanting to, is because they want to make possible connections with people, often including sexual connections.

There's no wrong or right when it comes to either our sexual identities OR in who we do or son't want to pursue any kind of relationship or connection with. If for now, or for always, you are only interested in dating guys, that's perfectly okay. It's also okay if for right now, your boyfriend is the person you want to be dating but you don't want to date anyone else, or, if you do, only want to pursue dating other guys or nonbinary folks and not women. You're not an employer who has to be equal opportunity, you know?

Is this about you feeling like it's not okay to not date women? Can you maybe fill me in some more on what you're looking for in this conversation?

[lexinicole.01]

Hey sorry I wasn’t clear. I usually only date people when I feel a strong connection to them. It’s kind of hard to explain but I have to feel connected to my partners in a certain way to date them. I know that you should be connected to people when dating them or something but to me it feels different. I feel like I need a specific type of bond with someone to date them. And I don’t really feel like I want to have that connection with a woman. If I did I don’t think I would actually date them they would probably just be a close friend. I am mostly just confused about what I am now. I don’t think I’m gay since I’m attracted to women sexually but I also don’t feel bi. I am just really confused and I feel like this is even more confusing sorry if it is.

[Sam W]

Hi lexinicole.01,

It actually sounds like you and Heather are talking about the same, basic thing when it comes to connection, and that part of what's been going on for you lately is that you're noticing the kind of connection you want to feel, or historically do feel, for people you want to date just isn't happening for you with women. Do I have that right? And with your former girlfriend, did you feel that connection with her? Or were you two dating for another reason?

Too, I do want to say that plenty of bi folks experience their attraction to different genders in different ways, so the way you feel about men versus women in this instance doesn't automatically mean you can't be bi. But if bi also just doesn't feel like the term that fits you anymore, that's also absolutely okay! I wonder, does simply describing yourself as questioning feel like it gets at how you're feeling? What about queer? Some people find that a really helpful term when the feel like other descriptors of sexual orientation don't quite capture their experiences.

[lexinicole.01]

We didn’t really have the connection I wanted. We only started dating because my boyfriend suggested a polycule between the three of us. My girlfriend broke up with my boyfriend and stayed with me and I’ve wanted to break up with her for a while but I’ve always been to scared. We were pretty close and still are since we broke up and stayed friends. I’ve tried other labels and stuff but none of them really fit me. I want to be able to call myself something and know who I am but there’s nothing that sticks with me for longer than a month. I’ve never really thought about just being queer but now I kind of think it fits me. I still don't really know but I might go by queer from now on.

[Ellie]

Hi lexinicole.01,

It's perfectly okay if nothing seems to stick, there's no wrong way to identify yourself. If a label serves you for the time being, that's great and it doesn't make it any less valid or untrue if it happens to change later. Queer can be a wide descriptor for someone who knows they aren't cisgender and heterosexual. I use that label, too! It feels accurate to me because it can mean many different things, I don't feel like I have to pinpoint a label for myself. Everyone is different, you might like something more specific, but I'm glad you feel like you may have found something that fits. Don't put any pressure on yourself, you have so much time to find what feels right, and for many people, it's everchanging.