Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Questions and discussions about relationships: girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, partners, friends, family or other intimate relationships in your lives.
Lexie
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Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Lexie »

I have been thinking of approaching a guy at my school for a while now, however one big problem is that he is out-of-this-world gorgeous, so he gets ridiculous amounts of attention;
it might partly be because he is like 6'6 tall, so he stands out a lot just because of that, but he is also just mind-blowingly attractive as well.
I always see girls try to get his attention, and different girls on different occasions who nervously try to convince him to go on date with them.
Also, I am not sure if this is true, but I have got the impression that despite all of the times I have seen him politely reject girls, he has apparently still slept with a lot of them, and I have definitely heard a few girls tell their curious friends about how "the night with him" went, and those girls would always seem overwhelmed and ecstatic about it, and he did also show up in front of one of those girls one time, and they sat down and eventually started kissing, and that girl's friends were just like "whoops, we will leave you alone now", and left;
so I definitely know that he is straight at least to some degree.
However, this happened about 3 months ago, and I haven't really seen him in those kinds of situations since then, although girls of course constantly hit on him.

It really feels a bit complicated, since it seems very difficult to have any form of relationship with a guy like him;
but at the same time, I cannot help wanting to give it a try.
Do you know how I can do here?
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Heather »

Hey there, Lexie. Welcome to the boards. :)

Can you tell me a little more about what you know about him besides what he looks like and what interactions with other girls he may or may not have had? What draws you to him, besides finding his appearance appealing?

Can you also tell me what you mean when you ask about approaching him: approaching him for what? Have you two not had any interactions yet besides you seeing him in passing?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
Lexie
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Lexie »

Heather wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 9:51 am Hey there, Lexie. Welcome to the boards. :)

Can you tell me a little more about what you know about him besides what he looks like and what interactions with other girls he may or may not have had? What draws you to him, besides finding his appearance appealing?

Can you also tell me what you mean when you ask about approaching him: approaching him for what? Have you two not had any interactions yet besides you seeing him in passing?
Thanks, well I am not sure yet;
I sometimes have the same classes as him, and I have said hi to him a couple times and observed him when he has talked to other girls, and I find him good-looking to a distracting level, so I have been thinking a lot about approaching him and maybe trying to get some sort of date with him, and seeing if I might enjoy spending time with him.
But I also sometimes feel that I just want to jump on him, haha;
I sometimes have those moments, when I find myself ogling him and letting my fantasies run wild.
But it would of course be great if I got some form of personal connection with him as well, however his popularity among other girls is quite intimidating.
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Heather »

No judgment about just being physically attracted to someone! I was just trying to get a sense of the bigger picture.

That said, if you're not just looking for a sexual interaction or relationship, my advice would be to try and get a better sense of him as a person first before, say, asking him out, especially if, as it sounds, he might already have a pretty full roster of ongoing or available sexual partners.

Can you sit by him in class sometime and try and chat him up? Or maybe sometime when he is walking out, catch up to him just to say hi and see how having just a basic interaction feels? Just doing that and seeing if he is even interested in more than saying hi -- when you try and walk with him and engage him in conversation, does he do that with you, or does he seem disinterested -- is going to give you a lot more to work with.
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Lexie
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Lexie »

Heather wrote: Wed Nov 29, 2023 10:08 am No judgment about just being physically attracted to someone! I was just trying to get a sense of the bigger picture.

That said, if you're not just looking for a sexual interaction or relationship, my advice would be to try and get a better sense of him as a person first before, say, asking him out, especially if, as it sounds, he might already have a pretty full roster of ongoing or available sexual partners.

Can you sit by him in class sometime and try and chat him up? Or maybe sometime when he is walking out, catch up to him just to say hi and see how having just a basic interaction feels? Just doing that and seeing if he is even interested in more than saying hi -- when you try and walk with him and engage him in conversation, does he do that with you, or does he seem disinterested -- is going to give you a lot more to work with.
Thanks, we will have some classes together next week, so I will try it then.

It does feel a bit intimidating and awkward when he is so much bigger than me;
like I said, he is about 6'6, and he also has a powerful and muscular build (large arms, large shoulders, and overall a heavy body type), so it can feel a bit, I guess, "overwhelming", since I am only 5'2 and light, haha.
I will definitely have to raise my head a bit when I try to speak to him.

It will just be hard to get him to really notice me;
I mean, I know that guy think that I am cute and pretty and all of that, but he constantly has beautiful girls flirting with him and acting all cute, romantic and subtly seductive around him (biting their lower lips a bit while smiling and gazing into his eyes and acting exactly as if they are in love with him, and those kinds of things), so I feel like one in the bunch.
But I guess I will have to at least try.
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi Lexie,

I think getting to know him during those classes is a great plan! And as a fellow short person, I feel you on the fact that a crush being WAY taller than you can just add to the whole intimidation factor.

You know, I think something that can help you feel less like "one of the bunch" of people flirting with him is to treat this not as flirting for the time being. As Heather mentioned, your next step really is more about getting to know him as a person to see if you want to try and pursue something romantic; thinking of it that way can help remove that feeling that you're somehow in competition with other people (which can be anxiety producing as all get-out) and let you just focus on how you and he get along.
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Lexie »

Sam W wrote: Thu Nov 30, 2023 10:10 am Hi Lexie,

I think getting to know him during those classes is a great plan! And as a fellow short person, I feel you on the fact that a crush being WAY taller than you can just add to the whole intimidation factor.

You know, I think something that can help you feel less like "one of the bunch" of people flirting with him is to treat this not as flirting for the time being. As Heather mentioned, your next step really is more about getting to know him as a person to see if you want to try and pursue something romantic; thinking of it that way can help remove that feeling that you're somehow in competition with other people (which can be anxiety producing as all get-out) and let you just focus on how you and he get along.
Yes, I have been thinking of approaching him a few times, but there have been those moments when I have seen him and a girl sit and kiss on different occasions, and that has made me feel that there was no point in doing anything those times.
But then again, it has been a couple months since I last saw him in those situations with other girls, so I might have an opportunity now.
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Latha »

Hi there, Lexie

Oof, I can see why you wouldn't want to approach him in those situations, but I think you're right that you have an opportunity now. Remember, you're just trying to get to know this guy and see whether you might be compatible.

Good luck!
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Lexie »

Latha wrote: Fri Dec 01, 2023 2:09 am Hi there, Lexie

Oof, I can see why you wouldn't want to approach him in those situations, but I think you're right that you have an opportunity now. Remember, you're just trying to get to know this guy and see whether you might be compatible.

Good luck!
Thanks.
I was planning on doing it the first few weeks when he was new here;
however, I walked past his student apartment when I visited a friend in that apartment building, and there was a girl there knocking on his apartment door, and they immediately started kissing and walking inside when he opened, and I could even faintly hear them starting to have sex shortly after that, so it really felt quite impossible that time, since I assumed that she was his girlfriend;
and then I also noticed him sitting and kissing another girl some time after that.
But I hope that he is a bit more approachable today.
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Heather »

You know, it sounds to me like this guy already has a pretty full roster, and from what I can tell from your posts so far, you're not looking for what sounds most likely to be a one-time thing with someone you only are attracted to physically.

Do I have that right?
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Lexie
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Lexie »

Heather wrote: Sun Dec 03, 2023 8:19 am You know, it sounds to me like this guy already has a pretty full roster, and from what I can tell from your posts so far, you're not looking for what sounds most likely to be a one-time thing with someone you only are attracted to physically.

Do I have that right?
Well, I guess so;
it is tempting to aim for a hook-up with him as well, but I do feel like I would just be one in the bunch to him.
I have also seen him have a girl follow him inside his apartment and audibly initiate sex at least once, and I also saw him sit and kiss different girls on several occasions the first few months, so it seems like he switches girls quite often.
The impression that I have got is that those girls seem to mostly be focused on his looks, and I guess they don't really care if other girls have sex with him as well, but that is just my guess.
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi Lexie,

You know, if something very casual or one-time with him doesn't feel like a good fit for you, then it might make more sense to let this guy just stay as a crush/someone you enjoy looking at or fantasizing about from time to time. From what you've seen, it seems like he either likes to have multiple partners at once or tends to go from partner to partner very quickly, which doesn't sound like a dynamic that would leave you feeling all that great (for all you know, some of his other partners might have felt the same way; we can't really know what's motivating someone else's relationship choices unless they tell us).
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Lexie »

Sam W wrote: Mon Dec 04, 2023 8:43 am Hi Lexie,

You know, if something very casual or one-time with him doesn't feel like a good fit for you, then it might make more sense to let this guy just stay as a crush/someone you enjoy looking at or fantasizing about from time to time. From what you've seen, it seems like he either likes to have multiple partners at once or tends to go from partner to partner very quickly, which doesn't sound like a dynamic that would leave you feeling all that great (for all you know, some of his other partners might have felt the same way; we can't really know what's motivating someone else's relationship choices unless they tell us).
Well, I have heard a few girls from some of my classes tell their friends about their nights with him, and those girls have always sounded super-exhilarated about everything, so it certainly seems like it would be an enjoyable physical experience, at least, and I do have to admit that I am quite curious about that.
I am not sure how to initiate something like that with him - I have never approached a guy with a goal like that in mind - but I will see what happens when I see him this week.
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Amanda B »

Hey Lexie,

It sounds like what you're hearing about other girls' experiences with this guy are second or even third-hand. Is that right? Too, adding to Sam's point, it's difficult to understand another person's motivations or experience without directly speaking with them. Even then, people often exaggerate experiences in order to be perceived in a certain way. All this may amount to putting this guy on a pedestal based on minimal information. Does this make sense?

If you were to initiate a physical experience with him, have you imagined what you'd expect afterward? Would you want to see if he was interested in you beyond that? Or would you be comfortable with a one-time experience? Have you had fulfilling one-time experiences in the past?
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Lexie »

Amanda B wrote: Mon Dec 04, 2023 1:58 pm Hey Lexie,

It sounds like what you're hearing about other girls' experiences with this guy are second or even third-hand. Is that right? Too, adding to Sam's point, it's difficult to understand another person's motivations or experience without directly speaking with them. Even then, people often exaggerate experiences in order to be perceived in a certain way. All this may amount to putting this guy on a pedestal based on minimal information. Does this make sense?

If you were to initiate a physical experience with him, have you imagined what you'd expect afterward? Would you want to see if he was interested in you beyond that? Or would you be comfortable with a one-time experience? Have you had fulfilling one-time experiences in the past?
I haven't had purely physical dates with a guy in this way before, but I am starting to feel curious about having it with this guy;
it is mostly the fact that I don't know how I would feel about it afterwards that makes me hesitate a bit.

The things that I have heard about him have come from some of the girls who have slept with him, and who I have overheard talking about it with their curious friends, and they have always described him in very strong terms, like how it was a wild experience and how he was incredible in bed and so on.
So I do feel sort of tempted to have some experience like that with him.
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Amanda B »

It makes sense to be curious about an experience you've never had before. From what we've discussed so far, it sounds like you're considering a casual sexual relationship with this person. Is that right? If so, our article, Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex, may be able to provide some clarity. This article defines what casual sex can mean, discusses commonly held assumptions about the experience, and walks you through some questions to ask yourself to see if this is an experience that would be fulfilling. Let me know if anything from this article stands out!
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Lexie »

Amanda B wrote: Mon Dec 04, 2023 2:13 pm It makes sense to be curious about an experience you've never had before. From what we've discussed so far, it sounds like you're considering a casual sexual relationship with this person. Is that right? If so, our article, Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex, may be able to provide some clarity. This article defines what casual sex can mean, discusses commonly held assumptions about the experience, and walks you through some questions to ask yourself to see if this is an experience that would be fulfilling. Let me know if anything from this article stands out!
Thanks, that seems interesting.

I have heard that a guy in his situation can be tricky to deal with for a lot of different reasons, and I am not sure exactly what this means, but it certainly feels like a sort of complicated situation.
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Amanda B »

I know you said you're not exactly sure what it means that a guy in this situation can be "tricky", but what do you think it means? Have people told you why this may be tricky to navigate? What do you think of this?

Also, can you say more about what you mean by "complicated situation"?

All sexual relationships, whether serious or casual, need to be handled with care. Casual does not mean careless, and it's essential for everyone involved to feel respected and cared for. This means having a clear idea of what you're looking for going into it. How do you think this being a potentially complicated situation and this guy being "tricky" may relate to all this?
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Lexie »

Amanda B wrote: Mon Dec 04, 2023 2:28 pm I know you said you're not exactly sure what it means that a guy in this situation can be "tricky", but what do you think it means? Have people told you why this may be tricky to navigate? What do you think of this?

Also, can you say more about what you mean by "complicated situation"?

All sexual relationships, whether serious or casual, need to be handled with care. Casual does not mean careless, and it's essential for everyone involved to feel respected and cared for. This means having a clear idea of what you're looking for going into it. How do you think this being a potentially complicated situation and this guy being "tricky" may relate to all this?
Well, I remember one guy from one of my other schools about a year ago who was almost as physically attractive and popular as this guy, and the guy from that school was quite bold and maybe too confident;
he could sometimes spontaneously embrace one of the girls (any of them) from behind, and then that girl would always look super-proud of that and stay close to him, and I even remember 1-2 occasions when he
casually gave a girl a quick spank when they were a bit by themselves where not that many people saw them, and he just got a sort of delighted and surprised laugh as a reaction, without the slightest signs of that girl being upset at all
(I guess he had somehow discovered that they enjoyed when he did those things, or maybe he could just tell that they would enjoy it based on how much they were hitting on him and making approaches).
Do those guys normally get away with those things if they are super-popular and viewed as extremely good-looking like that?
I mean, I guess I am concerned that the guy at my current school would turn out to be that way as well, but I haven't seen any signs of that yet.
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Latha »

Hi Lexie,

I see why you're asking this. I can't be sure about the specific kind of relationship that boy from your previous school had with those girls- it may be that they had an understanding about acceptable behavior. Ideally, they did. But that isn't always the case. Sometimes boys can act that way even if they haven't asked for consent because they think the behavior is cool. On the other hand, attention from popular and good-looking boys can be seen as validating and socially valuable by girls, and there can be costs to rejecting such boys, especially in public. So when they are uncomfortable, these girls may just smile through it.

I wouldn't say that it is normal for someone, even a very popular and good-looking boy, to act like that without any prior agreement. No matter how attractive some guy is, you have the right to set boundaries around physical interaction. Since the guy at your current school hasn't acted like that before, I'd say you have good reason to believe that he won't, but you should revise that judgement if he acts differently.
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Lexie »

Latha wrote: Fri Dec 08, 2023 3:09 am Hi Lexie,

I see why you're asking this. I can't be sure about the specific kind of relationship that boy from your previous school had with those girls- it may be that they had an understanding about acceptable behavior. Ideally, they did. But that isn't always the case. Sometimes boys can act that way even if they haven't asked for consent because they think the behavior is cool. On the other hand, attention from popular and good-looking boys can be seen as validating and socially valuable by girls, and there can be costs to rejecting such boys, especially in public. So when they are uncomfortable, these girls may just smile through it.

I wouldn't say that it is normal for someone, even a very popular and good-looking boy, to act like that without any prior agreement. No matter how attractive some guy is, you have the right to set boundaries around physical interaction. Since the guy at your current school hasn't acted like that before, I'd say you have good reason to believe that he won't, but you should revise that judgement if he acts differently.
Yeah, I mean I got the impression that that other guy knew that those girls were super-attracted to him, and maybe had gradually tested how intimate he could be with them;
I would assume that he most likely progressed with it, and then maybe felt encouraged by how they kept giving positive reactions, but that is just a guess.

I would also guess that the girls who got those approaches from him maybe saw it as a kind of validation, like a sign that they had a chance with him, or something like that?
That's what it seemed like.
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Latha »

Those are good guesses. I wonder, how do you feel about the guy at your school and the complicated situation that you mentioned, now?
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Lexie »

Latha wrote: Sat Dec 09, 2023 1:46 am Those are good guesses. I wonder, how do you feel about the guy at your school and the complicated situation that you mentioned, now?
Well, I haven't seen him act in these ways;
I have just seen him sit and kiss a few different girls in the past, and then also that time when I passed his apartment right as he was getting steamy with a girl who visited him, but that's it.

I made some first attempts at flirting with him this last week:
I started a conversation with him about homework and things like that, and smiled at him and held eye contact with him a lot, and I noticed that I started acting really shy around him, and became a little bit giggly, haha.
Maybe he got a hint there.
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Re: Unsure if I should approach this guy or not

Unread post by Latha »

Hi Lexie,
I made some first attempts at flirting with him this last week
Regardless of how this goes, congratulations on making those first attempts!
Maybe he got a hint there.
Perhaps he did, though you're right that we can't be sure.

Just to clarify, you're looking for a casual relationship with this guy, right?
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