Can I be a lesbian if I have some attraction to one guy

[arcl20]

I've struggled with my sexuality for the last few years, specifically with trying to decide if I'm a lesbian or not, and what keeps happening is that I get comfortable with the label and excited to identify with it/try to meet girls or something, and then I have a guy friend that I have confusing feelings about and am not sure if I like him or not. The same is happening now with one of my close friends at college, we had a week or two where we'd hang out and make out for an hour or two, then decided we'd just be friends after I told him I think I might be gay, then the last few weeks I've been thinking about him all the time and every time I'm with him wanting to be like physically close with him and wanting him to like me. A few nights ago, I was in his room and we were sitting really close and there was some definite tension in the air and right when I was leaving he told me he wanted to kiss me and I was like you probably shouldn't and he agreed and we just hugged. After that, I texted him and told him I had wanted to kiss him too, and that even though I agreed we should just be friends for now, I wanted to eventually maybe revisit that. The next morning he texted that he felt the same way and I haven't seen or really talked to him since. I have no idea what to make of any of this but I can't stop thinking about it at all. I'm really confused about what this means for my sexuality, and if I even like him, because I don't really feel attracted to him physically and part of me thinks I'm just obsessed with the validation of him liking me, but I really don't know. He is also one of my very close friends, so maybe I'm just mixing up platonic feelings, but I truly don't know and I want to figure it out asap.

[Heather]

Hi there, and welcome to the boards.

So, what words we use to describe our sexual identities aren't -- they really shouldn't be, anyway -- regulated by other people, because they are mostly meant for us, for and about ourselves. If "lesbian" feels like a right word for you, for yourself, there's really nothing you need to do or not do, feel or not feel, to qualify. For sure, if and when it's a word you want to use with other people and have it meaningfully communicate something to them where you both understand it to mean the same things, then by all means, that word and framework generally is understood to mean, and was initially constructed to mean, someone who themselves identifies as a woman or femme and who is mostly or only attracted to people who also identify as women or femmes.

Note that "mostly." It might help to know that people who are only ever attracted to one gender of person over a whole lifetime are very, very rare. What is much more common is for people to have some diversity in who they are attracted to when it comes to gender. Like, most people who identify as straight, for example, will have encountered or will encounter at least a couple people who share their same gender identity or something similar to whom they feel or felt some attraction.

It might also be helpful to know that sexuality tends to be fluid, and our attraction to people tends to be based on way more than just gender. That given, it can be pretty easy in life to find oneself attracted to someone who is outside any particular box we've created to describe the contents or limits of our attraction based on gender. Being surprised like you are is something I'd say is also a very common experience in that so often we are raised with this idea that it's easy to forever-compartmentalize our attractions. That is not the case for, I'd say, more people than not when folks are honest with themselves and their feelings.

That fluidity also could mean that maybe lesbian isn't the right fit for you anymore? Maybe something like a queer framework is a better fit, or maybe, for now, just going without a word to describe your attraction based on gender makes the most sense. Our identities and our feelings changing and shifting over our lifetimes is more the norm than not.

How does all of that land with you?