The girl I'm dating is perfect but I'm not attracted to her

[pabbas]

I'm 21f, bisexual, and I have been dating a wonderful girl (20f) for about 2 months now. We belong to 2 different ethnic groups, and English is the only language we speak in common (it is not our first or second language). She is very sweet to me, very respectful, and makes me feel special and safe. I'm trying to reciprocate, and while I'm going through the motions of talking to her, taking her on dates, buying her flowers, etc, I am just not as attracted to her as I expected to be. I find it difficult to open up to her, especially because we do not share the same first or second language, and are also from two different cultures. At times, I find myself subconsciously annoyed by her voice/accent when we talk, and I don't know why. Even though she is very beautiful, I am not physically attracted to her yet either. I am surprised, because she is very my type. I do not know what to do; she seems very attracted to me, and our interactions are very healthy (this might be the healthiest romantic interaction I have ever had). I don't know if I should go on or call it quits.

[Nadine E.]

Welcome to the boards, pabbas!

It can be confusing when things are going well but you’re not feeling attracted...

It does sound like you’ve been making an effort to try to see where things go and have been open to things developing, but the fact is we can’t always control how we feel. It’s really up to you to decide how important you feel attraction is, and whether other things feel more or less important in what you’re looking for from dating at the moment. For example, someone could be super attracted to someone they don't share a culture but that is something they are keen on connecting on with their partner, so they might choose not to continue despite the attraction. There are several questions that I think would be helpful to reflect on and explore:

• You mentioned you don’t feeling physically attracted - do you ever feel emotionally attracted, or attracted to her personality, for instance? And/or are you connecting in other ways that feel good? Are there things you are interested in about her? Or do you feel like you’re not really connecting or enjoying anything about her or your time together?

• What are you looking for from dating more generally at the moment?

• How important is attraction to you right now, and what types of attraction are most important?

• Not sharing a language that you both feel comfortable expressing yourselves in can also definitely be a challenge for open communication, and requires extra effort, so the question is also whether you feel that’s something you are both willing to put in or if you’d rather be with someone who already gets that part of you?

There isn’t a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer to any of these questions. It’s really a matter of identifying what you are looking for and taking it from there. And regardless of what you decide to do, it sounds like you’ve had a really positive experience dating her so far, and hopefully, it’s been a good model for what you’re looking for in some aspects of dating. Let us know what you think of some of these questions and we can take it from there!

[pabbas]

Thank you so much for your response, Nadine; it helps me think more clearly!

• I do feel very attracted to her personality, especially in person. I like talking to her, and I enjoy listening to her talk, especially when she is talking excitedly about a topic that I don't know much about. We have been on two dates so far, and in both cases, we ended up spending more time than originally planned without any awkwardness or regrets. Now that I think of it, I really enjoyed holding hands with her, too.

• At the moment, I am just looking to get to know myself and my preferences in dating a little better. I am not really looking to date someone for longer than 6 months-1 year, and the girl I am seeing knows this and feels the same way.

• She simply enjoys texting a lot, and I find it difficult to text her very often. It has been about a month since we last met in person, though, and when we only talk via text, our differences feel more pronounced and I don't feel attracted to her. However, this changes when I actually see her in person. This difference just confuses me a lot.

• While we do not have a first language in common, she is very understanding and is a very clear communicator. I feel very comfortable with her for someone I have known only for three months. However, with people of my own culture I met in the past, there was an initial level of familiarity that made some things easier. [\list]
  
  Personally, I think I have simply been overthinking things a little. I think the fact that I haven't seen her in person for a while is a major factor in the way I feel at the moment. Additionally, in past relationships, I was used to feeling very intense infatuation and butterflies due to inconsistent communication from the person I was dating. We both are also not completely out in society as queer, and this is my first time dating a woman. That might be muddling things a little further. I think I'm simply not used to how consistent she is, and I will simply wait to see her in person again. (I do feel excited at the thought of seeing her in person).
  
  Thank you so much for your help; I am simply putting all of this out here once again in case it helps someone who might have similar doubts in the future.

[Sam W]

Hi Pabbas,

I'm glad talking through things here has been helpful! I do want to add that, if you do feel less attracted to her as time goes on or you decide that feeling physically attracted to a partner is important to you, that's okay too; sometimes attraction just isn't present, even when we think the person is otherwise a great partner for us. It does sound like both of you are coming at this from the perspective of just dating and seeing how things go, so it can also help to think of figuring out how you feel, attraction-wise, is part of that process.