Dealing with violence thoughts / fantasies (on me)

[Kittylemon0]

Idk if this is the right way but sometimes I just need to bring this up y'know
Hope it's ok

Basically I think it's because I had an inappropriate interaction for a while with an older woman when I was 11/12 on randochat
I think it honestly impacted my sexuality a lot and it hits harder some nights (like this week)
We used to text and do voice chats where she loves talking about hurting me really bad (slamming my head against the wall, breaking bones and stuff)
I always had interest since then and if I'm honest, most of the time it's fine and I can be ok with it or like it but sometimes I feel sick about it and it worries me how much I think about someone hurting me, how much I want it
I've been up really late 3 times this week just thinking about it even, some good some bad

I'm worried I'm going to get myself in trouble some day, if someone wants to hurt me I might let it happen
I've had a NSFW account on twitter since I was 13 and it helps to find people like that and to talk about it, but sometimes it helps to talk to people who won't just tell me "that's hot I'd love to do that to you" and stuff

Sorry for rambling
Just felt like a vent and maybe advice on how not to dwell on this stuff in my head

[Latha]

Hi Kittylemon0- welcome to the boards! Don't worry about rambling, it is okay.

To start, I hope you know that you don't have to feel ashamed for having fantasies with violent elements. Plenty of people have them and while they exist in your mind, these fantasies can't actually hurt anyone. But I understand your concern is about the real world: you're worried that your interest may lead you to unsafe situations.

That doesn't have to happen. Some fantasies cannot be practiced in real life without making adjustments for safety or practicality, and this is one of them. One such adjustment is to focus on talking about this with a partner instead of acting it all out- so a partner might only threaten you with violence in the context of a scene. Does this make sense?

When you don't want to dwell on these fantasies, have you tried to redirect your attention to other fantasies you have or activities that you like?

[Kittylemon0]

Hi Kittylemon0- welcome to the boards! Don't worry about rambling, it is okay.

To start, I hope you know that you don't have to feel ashamed for having fantasies with violent elements. Plenty of people have them and while they exist in your mind, these fantasies can't actually hurt anyone. But I understand your concern is about the real world: you're worried that your interest may lead you to unsafe situations.

That doesn't have to happen. Some fantasies cannot be practiced in real life without making adjustments for safety or practicality, and this is one of them. One such adjustment is to focus on talking about this with a partner instead of acting it all out- so a partner might only threaten you with violence in the context of a scene. Does this make sense?

When you don't want to dwell on these fantasies, have you tried to redirect your attention to other fantasies you have or activities that you like?

Usually I just "deal with it" and I can kinda out it out of my head for a while
Sometimes if I sleep after it helps
But a lot of the time if I don't sleep soon It creeps back in

[Sam W]

Hi Kittylemon0,

Can I ask if you've taken time to explore what fantasies you might like outside of these ones? It may be that widening the scope of what you fantasize about can help you out in those moments where you don't want to engage with these ones.

Too, is it mostly that you're afraid that these fantasies will lead to you being in an unsafe situation, and if you felt more comfortable in the fact that's not given you could still enjoy engaging with them? Or are you realizing you don't enjoy them when they happen, or that you're consistently feeling crummy when you do engage with them?

[Kittylemon0]

I mean, I have other stuff I think about too
And most of the time I can think about that or less extreme levels

It's hard to explain, like most of the time I can be ok with it or even have fun thinking about it
But sometimes it just really gets loud if that makes sense and I just feel off, maybe like I'm ashamed for thinking about it, I don't fully know how I feel

[Sam W]

Thanks for those details!

You know, it's okay if you don't fully know how you feel about it; thinks like fantasy and desire can be kind of sticky and don't always stay in defined boxes. Too, as you're already realizing and doing, we don't have to engage with a given fantasy. And sometimes we may engage with one that usually is just positive for us, only to find that it leaves us feeling "off" afterwards another time. So nothing you're describing sounds like cause for concern, and it doesn't sound like they're causing you to engage in things that actually ARE dangerous to you.

[Kittylemon0]

I hope so
Sometimes it just scares me a bit like wondering how far I would really go
I know most people don't think about stuff like this so it's hard to really talk to anyone irl about it

[Willa]

Hi Kittylemon0,

As others were touching on fantasies can be a way for us to explore our sexuality and understand ourselves, but do not have to be something that will happen or something that we want to happen. If you have a concern that you would not be able to hold on to boundaries set to keep yourself safe, then you can keep these thoughts as a fantasy and not have to engage with people that also find sexual pleasure from them. Does that make sense?

[Sam W]

Hi Kittylemon,

If it would be helpful, we can talk about how to do risk and boundary evaluation around sexual things, because that's what this would ultimately entail if you wanted to explore any of these fantasies, or elements of them, with a partner.

[Kittylemon0]

Yeah that sounds good
I'm not sure exactly what it would mean but I'm open to talking about it

[Sam W]

Okay! I'm going to start by giving you some resources on those, and then we can talk more if you have any questions or thoughts on the pieces I share.

Risky Business: Learning to Consider Risk and Make Sound, Sexual Choices
How to Understand, Identify, and Make Choices about Desire

Too, when doing any kind of risk evaluation, it's important to remember that sometimes an activity will simply be too risky to do with any degree of actual safety. That's why you'll see note on the boards from time to time that we can't advise people on things like choking in sexual contexts, because there's just not a way to do it safely and we can't really advise people to do an activity that puts them at that level of risk.