Being away from friends for short periods is really hard

[Asking Queries]

(Content warning: Talks about feelings of social isolation, depression.)



Hi,

I’m autistic, and really, really need social interaction. I say need because when I haven’t had a good conversation (generally in person) in 2 or so days, I get really, severely, depressed, and it gets worse the longer it goes on (summer break is awful). It feels like I have the same need for social interaction as other people, but my “social interaction bucket”, for lack of a better term, empties more quickly then most people.Due to things I’m not currently interested in talking about, I don’t feel particularly safe talking to my mom and brother, and it’s just different from talking to friends anyways.
My questions are: 1: Have other people here experienced this, and if you have, do you have ideas to deal with it or make it better in some way? 2: How do I explain this to my friends? I want them to know how important they are to me, but don’t want to overwhelm them or make them feel like I essentially require them to survive (although I honestly might in some ways).

- AQ

[Asking Queries]

More context/a question: I have a lot of mental health issues, this is just a main one. My friends are also autistic, all of them, which I think is totally fine (and cool sometimes), but useful context. Also, we’re all rather forgetful, which I’m also not sure how to bring up. I want to bring it up because hurts when they forget and don’t respond to emails or texts, although I know they don’t mean to hurt me, and I’ve almost certainly done the same.

- AQ

[Latha]

Hi AQ!

I haven't experienced this myself, so I hope other staff or readers on the boards will contribute. I do have some thoughts, though.

I don't think it is a bad idea to tell your friends how much you value them and enjoy their company. If you don't usually talk about things like depression, you don't have to bring it up in this context. Instead, you could take the initiative to propose regular meet-ups. This might involve just hanging out, or it could be focused around an event or common hobby.

Speaking of that, I wonder what you would think of joining a hobbyist club, or volunteering. Doing that would give you a regular reason to get out of the house and meet people. There is a good chance that you'll be able to make more friends at these places too.

I think you explained your feelings about your friends forgetfullness well here. You understand that they don't mean to hurt you, and that their autism might make it difficult to remember to respond to your messages. You struggle with those things too. But you feel sad when you don't get a response (they may be able to relate to this feeling). You could ask them if they want to think of ways to better respond to each other. This could include things like setting reminders to check your messages at certain times, or making a standing appointment to chat during weekends and holidays.

[michel344]

When talking to your friends, be honest about your needs but frame it in a way that emphasizes your appreciation for their friendship. For example, you could say something like, "I really value our time together because it helps me feel more connected and happy."

[Asking Queries]

Hi!

Thanks for these ideas
Latha: I didn’t respond sooner because I forgot somehow. I’ve considered joining various clubs, but feel hesitant because of my various marginalized identities (heck, just being a girl makes it harder). One of my friends has set a reminder to email me, so hopefully that will start a regular schedule of emails.

michel344: Thanks for this thought, that’s definitely important to include when I bring this up with my friends.

Thanks both,
- AQ

[Latha]

Hey AQ!

Don't worry about replying late, there isn't any deadline for that. Would you like to talk about the hesitance you've been feeling around joining clubs? Maybe we can offer some advice. Has anyone made you feel unwelcome in social spaces because of your identities?

[Asking Queries]

Hello!

Sure, I can talk about the hesitance. It’s mostly due to the sheer number of marginalized identities I have (3 if I bundle related stuff, 5 if I don’t), and because (in my knowledge of the world, which may not be correct) I feel like it’s not super unlikely that people might hurt me physically because of them. I haven’t experienced that, but I’m definitely scared of it.
For a specific example, I took a Ham radio course, and the reference material blatantly implied that women weren’t common in amateur radio, and that encountering them was something special. (To my perception, this also had an uncomfortable inherent sexual undertone. Ugh. To be clear, I have nothing against Ham radio, and think it’s really cool as a technology. That class and group just made me really uncomfortable.)
Because of all this, I feel hesitant to try out group things that go on for longer then a few days, because I don’t really want to invite questions about my appearance or behavior or gender (also related to appearance) or whatever else people might question me on. I’m probably overestimating the dangers, but I’m not sure how to estimate better.

Any ideas for resources for finding groups with queer people (not necessarily about queerness, just that have queer people) would be great.

- AQ

[CaitlinEve]

Hey AQ, chiming in here as an autistic person!

Do you think finding an online community that does video calls, or even video calling with IRL friends, would fulfill your needs the same way as face-to-face talks would? I TOTALLY understand what you're talking about with your social interaction bucket! Although mine is generally sustained and kept 'full' with online interactions and voice calls, I do sometimes need that in-person relationship to help me stay balanced; I find it tends to help with my anxiety too as well to have a good mix of online vs IRL interaction. Have you had the chance to talk to your friends about this yet?

Additionally, does your local area/community have places such as coffee shops or game stores? Have you looked into local queer youth groups that meet up as well?