Wanting a higher sex drive and appreciation of sexy stuff

[ConfusedGrape]

I hope this isn't a weird question!

My girlfriend and I feel really comfortable with one another whether we're being intimate or not. She's been on HRT for almost a year and her sex drive has increased quite a bit. Also, she says the "girl horny" (cool term haha) feels amazing and she keeps bringing up how she feels "surges of horny" many times a day and shares about them with me.

However, for me, I don't feel that. I don't get any such surges, and I feel like my libido is way lower than hers because I usually only feel horny once/twice a week. I get the urge to think about sexy thoughts and then masturbate, but not to the level of my girlfriend, who masturbates daily. All this kind of makes me jealous for some reason?! I wish I could appreciate my sex drive and also BE more horny, but I don't have this amazing "girl horny" that she or people online describe. My girlfriend keeps telling me often that "it feels so good" and I feel both happy for her and sadge that I can't feel that. Like I never feel this crazy cool nice feeling stuff?!

It also kind of makes me slightly concerned because I feel like to be a good partner I should match her sex drive, because I've heard online that people with higher sex drives feel like they regret dating/marrying their partners because they can't satisfy their sexual needs and I don't want my partner to feel unsatisfied or to feel like she wants to leave . I've shared this with her in the past, and she said that she didn't mind and that she's fine that she gets more horny than I do, but I still feel kinda uneasy about it.

My main question is, is it possible to get a higher sex drive? And how do I gain an appreciation for these sexy feelings like my girlfriend does?

[Willa]

Hi ConfusedGrape,

This is not a weird question at all it is incredibly common for a couple's libidos to change and alternate throughout different stages of a relationship. It can be a source of anxiety for many people, but with communication, it can become another wonderful chance to grow and learn more about one another.

To start it is important to say that you do not owe your partner sex in any way, especially during the times you are not feeling up to it or aroused. Sex with someone should always be enthusiastically consenting, whether that is someone we just met or someone we are in a committed relationship with. There are many ways for a relationship with different desires for sex to be happy and healthy without either person having to feel like they need to change something about themselves. Options to start with are for the person with a higher sex drive to explore masturbation, which it sounds like your partner does and is very happy with. Another option is to explore touch and connection that is not sexual intercourse. Exploring touch and activities together can be a great way to still provide the need to feel connected and intimate together.

The most important thing is, to be honest with how you are feeling. If you are feeling anxious about not being able to please your partner, that is something to dedicate time to sit down and talk about further. Making a plan for navigating intimacy and connection in the future can help ease some of these worries and lift the burden you may feel you are carrying around.

[Sam W]

Hi ConfusedGrape,

In addition to all the good advice Willa gave, I want to add that while it's certainly a catchy term, "girl horny" isn't all that useful an idea. For starters, regardless of gender we're all experiencing fluctuations in hormones throughout the day, and the kind of libido she's describing can be found in people of any gender.

More than that, our interest in sex is influenced by a BUNCH of things, and how much interest we have in it varies not only from person to person, but for an individual person at different points in their life. A helpful thing we can do is not treat whatever level we feel it at as a problem to be solved (even if it's not the level we want it to be) and instead meet our libidos where they are and go from there.

[ConfusedGrape]

Hello Willa and Sam,

I really appreciate your replies, they have encouraged me to rethink many things.

On the point about feeling up to sex, I feel conflicted; sometimes I want to have sex with my girlfriend and enjoy it, but I physically don't feel it. It's as if I really want to want sex, way more often. Is it possible to change that?

Another thing is that I heard that some things are bad to bring up with your partner, for example I heard that it's bad to talk about envy or that you're struggling with a situation that they can't fix. I feel guilty that I'm sharing this anxiety, and shameful that I'm envious of her sex drive. I don't want to stress her out or make her feel self-conscious when we're having sex, I want to make her feel pleasure regardless of what I feel about that stuff. What should I communicate with her exactly?

Also, to your point about sex interest and gender, I find that relieving to hear, as I was kind of feeling dypshoric when I heard about it (I'm not sure why). I saw about how sex feels different between people who take Estrogen and Testosterone (for HRT), and is often "way more pleasurable" for people who predominantly take Estrogen. Is this also nuanced? Sorry if that's a silly question. I've been feeling sad that I might never be able to feel the same way. How should I move forward with the current libido that I have now?

Sorry if all of this sounds rambly and a bit silly, and thanks again.

[Latha]

Hi ConfusedGrape,

I have a question: Would you say that you feel aroused mentally, but not physically? Or does your enjoyment come from pleasing your girlfriend, without any mental arousal on your part?

I don't think it is necessarily bad to discuss difficult emotional subjects like envy with your partner. You just need to be on the same page about your expectations and needs. Just because you're confiding in them, that doesn't mean they need to fix anything, and they shouldn't feel pressured to do so. Emotional support and reassurance from a partner can be very helpful on their own.

Yes, this is also nuanced, and it isn't a silly question. I think the issue here is overgeneralization. Sex isn't inherently more pleasurable for people who take estrogen than for people who take testosterone. Sex can be very pleasurable, regardless of someone's gender or which hormones they are taking. If I may ask, where did you hear about this? Did they say anything specific about how sex is different for people who take estrogen and people who take testosterone?

[ConfusedGrape]

Hello Latha,

I think I do, but I'm not sure. I find the idea of having sex stimulating mentally and would want to do it, but I don't feel a physical "pull" that leads me to want sex (feeling physical reactions in my genitalia or feeling a higher temperature) as much as I'd want to. Also, when we're together, I feel I only start to notice myself getting more stimulated (either mentally or physically) after we actually start where I'm pleasing her and I notice her reactions. I feel like there's a lag between my body and mind sometimes.

Also, I'll make sure to keep that in mind and have another talk with her when I get the chance.

I tend to hear this information from my transfem friends and from online, particularly about how physical touch feels like on E, as well as how orgasms differ (people saying women's orgasms are a "full body experience"). For example, I've heard from a lot of transfems that when having sex/feeling aroused, their whole body feels like an erogenous zone, as compared to only genitals for people on testosterone. Even the feeling of being touched on their bodies away from their genitals (ex their arms) will feel pleasant. However, though I crave also being touched and feel good on my body not necessarily at my genitals, I don't feel a satisfying reaction in my body. I get a little bummed out because of that. On top of that, my girlfriend is also trying her best to experiment with me on what feels good when we're together, so I feel super guilty about it.

Thank you for your response!

[Heather]

Hey there, ConfusedGrape.

So, this:

I feel I only start to notice myself getting more stimulated (either mentally or physically) after we actually start where I'm pleasing her and I notice her reactions. I feel like there's a lag between my body and mind sometimes.

...is a common way people experience sexual desire and arousal: it's most current terminology is "responsive desire." In this framework, "spontaneous desire" is the kind of desire and/or arousal that feels like it starts with itself, rather than kind of bouncing off of someone else's desire and responses.

That given, I thin k it would be worth your time to see what happens when you just go with that: when you go ahead and focus on your partner and let yourself take all the time you need to get excited by what you're doing that feels like it centers her pleasure, and then only move to things more centered on your body once you're really feeling a lot of desire. How does that sound as a thing to try?