i hate myself for having a fat fetish

[imitosis]

im having a terrible moral dilemma about kink stuff and its gotten to the point where im wondering whether i should just kill myself because i feel so repulsive. okay so. about a year ago i discovered the fat fetish community. i honestly cant remember whether i was initially aroused by feederism-- i had never experienced any kind of fetishistic attraction to fatness before-- but i certainly built up an arousal reaction to feeder erotica. i have no idea what i was thinking when i began to masturbate to that stuff on basically a daily basis, and ive been wracking my brains trying to remember. i have pretty bad memory issues because of mental illness though so my long term memory is hazy at best and completely missing at worst.
eventually i stopped engaging in any kind of activity (ie watching porn, reading smut) that encouraged that kink after a while because i realized, when i started reading more about the body positivity movement, how awful it was. treating people as purely fetishistic objects because of a ''deviant'' body type is dehumanizing and fatphobic. after a few months of abstinence i thought i had gotten rid of whatever neurological connection id built up between feederism and arousal.
however, today i felt a sudden creeping sense of dread and felt the need to check that it was indeed gone. i looked at some feeder porn and found myself aroused. it could have been because i have a thing for curvy women as a type rather than as just a fetish, but it could have also been because i am actually turned on by the physical expansion part of feederism.
if the latter is true then im abhorrent and disgusting and need to be gotten rid of for everyones safety. im wondering whether this kink is so deeply ingrained in me that im never going to be able to be a good person, or whether i was just so anxious that im a bad person that i felt aroused (kind of like the phenomenon one experiences when trying not to think a particular thought, but finding that it intrudes upon their mind with even greater frequency than it would if they had just let go and moved on).
i'm dfab, genderqueer, 17, and identify as panromantic gray-asexual, if that gives you any context to work with. im really really sorry if this is completely incoherent im just really scared and panicky and i feel sick from self-loathing. i hope this isnt weird or a bother to answer.

[Johanna]

Welcome to Scarleteen, imitosis. Before discussing your question, I want to first make sure that you are safe. If you are considering suicide, please find help. You mention that you have a history of mental illness - are you seeing a counselor? If so, I would urge you to contact them. If not, please reach out to a trusted family member or, if that is not an option, go to an ER.

[imitosis]

i feel like my life is not worth living, but i am not planning and do not want to commit suicide

[Johanna]

Okay. I just have to be sure that you are safe and/or know how to seek out help, as we cannot offer the kind of services someone with suicidal thoughts requires. I am more than happy go discuss the question you posed with you, but I also want to urge you, in the long term, to seek out professional mental health care, if that is not something you are already getting.

I want to start by asking why and how you think having certain thoughts or desires makes you a bad person. In your second paragraph, you are writing about reading erotica and fantasizing, and then you jump to talking about the way you "treat" people. You are making a leap from having thoughts and desires, that are your own and that take place in the privacy of your mind, to a potential effect on other people. Now, thoughts, fantasies and desires, in and of themselves, do not have the power to have an effect on other people. You are in control of your actions, and it is possible to have certain thoughts, but also to realize that it would be inapropriate to act on them. Does thinking about it this way help you at all with the way you feel about this issue?

Another way of looking at it may be that it is also possible to have a desire, recognize this desire as unwanted, and chose not to act on it. For example, I have ethical concerns about the mass production of meat and animal products for consumption, so I chose not to eat meat. However, that does not mean that I do not sometimes have desire for food that contains meat. It just means that, when that happens, I chose not to act on that desire. Perhaps, rather than feeling ashamed for having a particular desire in the first place, you can focus on the ways in which you are managing that desire, and instead honoring your desire to be a respectful, thoughtful person, and to not objectify and fetishize people? What sorts of feelings you have does not say nearly as much about the kind of person you are as the way you manage them and act on them.