Does this say anything about my sexual orientation?

[Rose99]

Hi,

So, I have never had sex before because as you know from my previous post I have anxiety about side effects of birth control methods and have trust issues. I did however, started engaging in roleplay via texting and sexting 2 months ago because it is something where I don’t have to worry about pregnancy and if I feel unsafe I can just block the person.

I like it when guys say sexy things to me and describe what they are doing to me in roleplay texting. I say sexy things back to them. But there are a few things:

1) I don’t really enjoy giving handjob in roleplay I don’t know if it is because I am not interested in guys or because the guys don’t give me much of reaction. I did ask one of the guys that I would enjoy it more if he moans (on text) to it or say how much he is liking it or tells me what to do to get him off. But even then I didn’t seem to enjoy giving handjob much. Is it that I don’t know what it feels like to the guy in real life due to which I don’t end up enjoying it or is it that I am not into guys? I do enjoy doing other things to the guy in the roleplay texting like teasing, kissing him all over etc. And I also enjoy when at the end the guy tells me he is using the sleeve to get himself off imagining it is my you know…

1.5) I have never tried giving blowjob in roleplay texting but I just don’t like the idea of that in my mouth. In fact I found it very surprising when they seemed to enjoy giving me oral in roleplay texting because I was thinking how can anyone imagine touching that with their mouth? But I did enjoy what they were describing. However, I can’t even imagine giving oral to another woman either. So am I not attracted to either?

1.5 b) I did however think that if I ever get into a relationship, I might give blow job a try but only with oral condom and still not put it inside my mouth though even with the condom on. And try other ways of giving blow job if it is something he enjoys.

2) I don’t really get aroused by looking at those pics while sexting if you know what I mean? They send it with my consent, but I don’t know I don’t find it arousing. But to not make the guy feel disheartened I tell them that it looks hot. However, I do find abs arousing when they send upper body pics. So, by not finding that part’s pic hot and arousing, does it mean that I am probably not heterosexual? I don’t know but like the first time I saw the pic of that part it was a bit shocking, not sure if that’s the right word. That part’s pic also seemed intimidating and I thought is that supposed to go in there, that’s too big? (I can only fit my own 2 fingers not even 3, I have yet to try it with lube though as suggested to me on my prev post. I just didn’t get the chance to buy lube yet) After that it was no longer shocking but wasn’t something I found attractive or arousing either. Is it because it looks way different from my part or because I am not heterosexual?

3) Recently the thought did cross my mind that doing it with another woman would be better as I wouldn’t have to worry about pregnancy, side effects of birth control and possibility of getting abused, it seems safer. But I can’t imagine more than kissing and upper body stuff with another woman I find attractive and there was one with whom I imagined giving handjob to but only after I felt strong emotional connection with her. She is straight so never brought it up, besides we were friends so I just treated it as a fleeting imagination. But in roleplay via texting with guys I do enjoy PIV and different positions. And I do find looking at pic of women’s that part more arousing than men’s that part. I have never sexted with a woman though. Is it because I am attracted to women or that I like it because that’s what I have too and I masturbate a lot? Although when I masturbate, in my fantasies I have never had a woman in it, it has always been a man.

4) In real life I have mainly have had crushes on guys and find their perfume, voice and handsome face the most enchanting. I have only ever had a fleeting crush on a woman’s accent, smile and beauty. But I have never felt spellbound by a woman like I have felt spellbound by men. By that I mean, if I am talking to a man I find attractive my mind goes blank, I am just lost in how attractive he is, and I lose track of the convo until I snap myself out of it, but with an attractive woman I have never lost track of the convo at hand. And for woman, the crush also comes if I feel emotionally close to her even if she is not physically attractive like I would fantasize about kissing and some other stuff. And when I started dating 2 years ago, there was a handsome guy I met on a dating app, we had deep convos and fun convos (nothing sexual), over text, voice and video chats. Every time he sent me good morning text it made me feel loved and I got wet from just good morning message. I wasn’t thinking about sex from good morning message, it just that it made me feel cared for and that I matter. Unfortunately, that only lasted for a few weeks and then he ghosted which was a bummer given the deep convos we have had. I thought we had something special but apparently not. I don’t trust my judgment anymore lol. Anyway, my main question is am I hetero, lesbian, bi or demi sexual? And is Demi sexual similar to bi in a sense because emotional connection leads to sexual attraction with either gender? I don’t think I am exclusively Demi though because I have had fun with roleplay texting with random guys online in which we just directly delve into roleplay texting skipping the getting to know each other phase. You can say it is more like 1 night stand but on text, there were 2 that did turn into regular roleplay texting but we just kept it to just that, no other convo and we made a rule that we will sext with other people too and not make it exclusive to avoid catching feelings. If not Demi then how else would you explain, me imagining to kiss another woman etc after forming emotional connection even if I don’t find her physically attractive?

4.5) I did once try writing a lesbian erotica for myself to figure out whether I am lesbian or hetero. Although I started the story as a lesbian scenario, but I didn’t really dig it so I made the girl dress up as a guy because I just didn’t really find it arousing to do it with another woman but when she dressed up as a guy it was an instant turn on. So I am not sure what this says about me, like am I not lesbian or bi then?

[KierC]

Hi Rose99,

I’m glad to hear that you’re finding a way to explore sex without triggering anxiety, and that you can explore your sexuality in the process! I’m glad it’s a platform where you feel safe too.

If I’m understanding these experiences correctly, it sounds like you’re exploring a few different labels relating to heterosexuality, bisexuality, lesbian, and demisexuality. First, to answer your question on bisexuality vs. demisexuality, they are different because demisexuality refers to the necessity of an emotional connection before sex. Though, folks who identify as bisexual can also identify as demisexual, too. Does that make sense?

In terms of what these interactions mean for your sexual identity, the only person who can tell you that is you— when it comes to gender and sexual identity, an outside person can’t look at you or anything you do and give you a label. I think sometimes society likes to think of identity labels as a “diagnosis,” but that idea is wholly incorrect and takes all the agency away from where it belongs, with you. When it comes to identity labels, you create them if you want to, you share them if you want to, and you change them if you want to as well.

Going through these labels you’re exploring right now and trying on for size, is there one or more that you feel more comfortable with right now?

Too, it’s totally okay if nothing quite fits right currently — that doesn’t mean that your identity doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t mean that the words you use to describe your identity can’t change too. I also want to say that there’s a lot of societal BS that expects queer people to “label” themselves, when “straight” people are just assumed. That’s just to say that it’s okay if you don't want to or have a comfortable label for yourself right now. How do you feel about that?

[Rose99]

If I’m understanding these experiences correctly, it sounds like you’re exploring a few different labels relating to heterosexuality, bisexuality, lesbian, and demisexuality.

Yes that’s right, I am trying to figure out which label fit me correctly.

First, to answer your question on bisexuality vs. demisexuality, they are different because demisexuality refers to the necessity of an emotional connection before sex. Though, folks who identify as bisexual can also identify as demisexual, too. Does that make sense?

Sort of make sense

Going through these labels you’re exploring right now and trying on for size, is there one or more that you feel more comfortable with right now?

Hehe that’s the point of the post, I am not sure what to make of my experiences. I am confused whether I am hetero, lesbian, bi or Demi. But from your explanation of demi I think I am not Demi, since I am able to engage in roleplay texting and enjoy it without forming emotional connection first. But I am not sure though because for real life, I can’t imagine getting that physical with someone without having an emotional connection first. Because I need to first know if the guy is even trustworthy enough for me to have sex with him or not. Online is different, there is no risk. But real life has lots of risks. So yeah note sure if Demi fits or not.

As for other things you mentioned:
I am just trying to make sense of things so if you can share your insight it would help a lot. I don’t really see the label as a diagnosis but rather as a way to understand myself and my experiences better. So, based on what I have shared in my post, what do you think? I get that you feel hesitant about giving me a label because you feel like a label is a diagnosis. But for me a label is way to understand my experiences.

If you don’t want to give a label that’s ok but can you answer the questions and/or share your insights about the questions I have posed based on the experiences I have shared?
Thanks!

[Andy]

Hi Rose99,

I hope it’s okay that I’m stepping in here.

I hear you trying to base the decision about what words to use to describe your sexual orientation on a few specific situations like being attracted to some specific body parts or liking one of the ways to have sex. As I see it, sexual orientation is often way more complex than that.

I’ll try to explain what I mean a bit better, but bear in mind is just my own way of looking at this and others might have different opinions but I think it might be useful to share this with you anyway. If I use clothes as a metaphor for the words we use to describe our identity, the way you talk about it it seems to me like you are seeing them as some sort of a uniform, where there are only few sizes/kinds to choose from and if they don’t fit you you have to suck it up and wear it no matter how it limits your movement or self-expression. However, I try to see choosing those words more as a shopping for clothes in a big fancy store, you have plenty to choose from, all the time you need, you can try on as many as you need, you can take some and if you don’t like them later you can return it at no extra cost, you can also wear more pieces at once or make changes to the clothes like tailoring or coloring. After all, the clothes/identity words you choose might be useful for communicating your identity to others but in the end, they are fully yours. Can you see where I’m heading with this?

To not get too lost in metaphors, I can also try to give you my insight based on the experiences you describe. I hear you saying you are and have been attracted to women and men and that the way you experience the attraction is quiet different with either gender, that is something a lot of bisexual people experience. You also mention not being attracted to certain body parts or ways of having sex, which is what a lot of people of all sexual orientations experiences and it doesn’t even have to play a role in how you identify if you don’t want it to. Lastly, you said demi might not be the best fit and if that’s how you feel it I would advice you to trust your guts with that feeling.

Lastly, this article of ours might answer some of your questions as well as it has some useful questions you can ask yourself when thinking about this: The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone

[Sam W]

Hi Rose,

In addition to what Andy said, and building off something Kier said in their first reply, if you're trying to get some clarity on this, focusing more on the kind of person (or people) you could see yourself dating or being sexual with or that you have enjoyed being sexual with in the past, even if that's via roleplay, is going to be more useful information that what your feelings are about given body parts or sex acts.

Unless we meet someone on a nude beach or similar, we're going to develop, or not develop, attraction to them based on things that aren't their genitals. So getting too hung up on whether liking a given body part makes us a certain sexual orientation tends to hamstring us in figuring out both our identity and our relationships (it also runs the risk of equating gender with genitals, which doesn't do anyone any favors).

Too, the kinds of sex acts we do and don't like really don't mean anything about our sexual orientation, because any combination of partners could engage in basically any kind of sex act. So, again, focusing more on who those fantasies about sex entail rather than what they entail is going to give you the information.

The hard thing about sexual orientation, but a thing that's also freeing, is that we each are the experts, and it falls to each of us to ultimately decide what word, if any, we want to assign to it. Now, from what you're saying, you do seem to experience some desire for more than one gender, which generally points away from "straight" and towards something else. But that, along with the fact that your understanding of your orientation is very much in flux, is about all I can say with any certainty.

I do want to toss out one term that you may find helpful: queer. People identify as queer for a number of reasons, but among them is that feeling of "I don't know if there's a more specific label for how I feel, but I know I'm not straight, so I need a word that communicates that." For me, personally, there was an element of "none of these other terms feel quite right, but when I say 'queer' that resonates."

As an aside, I do want to say that while online and strictly remote relationships carry fewer of certain risks than in-person relationships, they're not risk free. We're still interacting with another person in ways that are at times really vulnerable, and on a device that makes it easy to screenshot/save/etc things we may not want them to. I don't say that to freak you out, and it sounds like these have been positive experiences for you, but just to offer that note.

[Rose99]

In addition to what Andy said, and building off something Kier said in their first reply, if you're trying to get some clarity on this, focusing more on the kind of person (or people) you could see yourself dating or being sexual with or that you have enjoyed being sexual with in the past, even if that's via roleplay, is going to be more useful information that what your feelings are about given body parts or sex acts.

In fantasy and roleplay texting and sexting I prefer men. Also by this you mean what gender I can imagine myself being romantic and sexual with? Or you mean generic traits that make me find someone attractive? Because if it is traits you are referring to, then that alone is not enough to know because I look for similar traits in friendship with either gender but for romantic partner I have few more traits requirement.

Unless we meet someone on a nude beach or similar, we're going to develop, or not develop, attraction to them based on things that aren't their genitals. So getting too hung up on whether liking a given body part makes us a certain sexual orientation tends to hamstring us in figuring out both our identity and our relationships (it also runs the risk of equating gender with genitals, which doesn't do anyone any favors).

So you mean to say that just because I don’t find men’s genitals attractive doesn’t mean I am not hetero or bisexual? And even for hetero or bi it is possible to still be hetero or bi even if you don’t find that part attractive and only find that part attractive from my own gender?

Too, the kinds of sex acts we do and don't like really don't mean anything about our sexual orientation, because any combination of partners could engage in basically any kind of sex act. So, again, focusing more on who those fantasies about sex entail rather than what they entail is going to give you the information.

Hmmm so this is a bit complicated. For example, generally speaking I have men in my fantasy not even someone I know sometimes even faceless men. But in terms of women, I only fantasize if there is someone I feel deep emotional connection with. And in terms of attraction, as mentioned earlier I find different things about men and women attractive. And in terms of sex acts, this also sound a bit complicated. For example, with women I can’t really imagine much other than kissing and upper body stuff. With men I can imagine a lot of things except for anal and oral and don’t really enjoy giving handjjob either but do have so many other passionate fantasies with men. So, you mean to say even if I can’t imagine certain sex acts with either gender, but I find either gender physically attractive then it can mean I am bi?

Now, from what you're saying, you do seem to experience some desire for more than one gender, which generally points away from "straight" and towards something else. But that, along with the fact that your understanding of your orientation is very much in flux, is about all I can say with any certainty.

That is helpful thanks. Also, quick question. Is queerness something you are born with or childhood traumatic experiences shape it?

I do want to toss out one term that you may find helpful: queer

I agree with queer but it seems too generic to explain my experiences as it is an umbrella term that covers everything in LGBTQ.

As an aside, I do want to say that while online and strictly remote relationships carry fewer of certain risks than in-person relationships, they're not risk free. We're still interacting with another person in ways that are at times really vulnerable, and on a device that makes it easy to screenshot/save/etc things we may not want them to. I don't say that to freak you out, and it sounds like these have been positive experiences for you, but just to offer that note.

Ummm shit! I have sent my pics too and I do have marks and pigmentation that can identify me even though I send faceless pics. So, should I stop sharing my pics then? And keep it text based roleplay only?

[KierC]

So you mean to say that just because I don’t find men’s genitals attractive doesn’t mean I am not hetero or bisexual? And even for hetero or bi it is possible to still be hetero or bi even if you don’t find that part attractive and only find that part attractive from my own gender?

Yes. Sexual orientation is complicated because there’s not just one trait that forms attraction. Too, because genitals do not determine gender identity, it’s hard to look at how you feel about genitals alone and determine sexual orientation. It sounds like you’ve found that you have different feelings about men and women, where you need more of a connection with women than with men, but you enjoy the sight of a vulva more than a penis. This is pretty in line with how folks who identify as bisexual speak about their orientation, where they feel attracted to all genders in *some* capacity, but it looks very different for each gender. Too, it’s okay to feel more demisexual towards one gender than another, and it doesn’t mean you’re heterosexual. Does that make sense? How does the term bisexual feel to you?

That is helpful thanks. Also, quick question. Is queerness something you are born with or childhood traumatic experiences shape it?

Ah, good question! The short answer is that you’re born with it. The long answer is that sexual orientation develops across the lifecourse, and while some folks realize they’re queer very early on in life, some people don’t realize until adulthood or later! Childhood traumatic experiences can certainly impact how you feel about your surroundings, but I wouldn’t say they impact your orientation.

I agree with queer but it seems too generic to explain my experiences as it is an umbrella term that covers everything in LGBTQ.

If the term queer doesn’t feel quite right to you, that’s okay! You don’t have to use it to describe yourself if it doesn’t feel good. I’ll add though that the term queer isn’t as much of an umbrella term for everything as it is a term for an orientation that doesn’t quite fit anything else well. If you’ve heard of that meme “not A, not B, but a Secret Third Thing,” sometimes I think about queerness like that, at least in my case as a queer person. (If that makes no sense please ignore that). Too, there’s folks in the LGBTQ+ community who do not use queer as an identifier and do not resonate with it, but others do. Speaking personally as a queer person, I identify as queer because I feel differently about my sexual attraction on different days, and I don’t feel like bisexual quite fits. But that’s just to illustrate that it’s a personal preference.

Ummm shit! I have sent my pics too and I do have marks and pigmentation that can identify me even though I send faceless pics. So, should I stop sharing my pics then? And keep it text based roleplay only?

Yes, it’s a good idea not to send pictures with any identifying features in it. Too, I wouldn’t send pictures to someone you don’t know and genuinely trust. Keeping it text-based limits that risk of photos being shared, especially if you don’t know the person. How does that sound?