What are the sexual scripts that you learned growing up?

[HannahP]

We all learn things about what sex is “supposed” to look like — from Sex Ed, from movies and TV shows, from books, from our friends, from the internet, and many other places. These “sexual scripts” cover so many aspects of sex and sexuality: there are scripts for what progression of sexual activities you’re supposed to do as you become sexually active (you might be familiar with the “baseball model” of sexuality), for who should have sex with who, for what initiating sex with your partner should look like, for what a sexual encounter should be like, for what kind of sex someone of your gender or sexual identity should have or want to have, for who should be the sexual pursuer, for how or if someone should masturbate, for who should orgasm and when and how they should be able to do it.

Here we like to say that sex can mean any way that people express themselves as sexual beings and that sex should be about exploration and pleasure, not following set scripts. But sometimes these scripts can be hard to ignore — or even tempting to follow! If you’re new to sexual exploration, a script can feel comforting and reassuring, like a guide that will show you the “right” thing to do. And if you’re in a sexual relationship, a script can feel comforting because it feels familiar and safe, like you won’t have to risk awkwardness or rejection.

But sexual scripts can also be restrictive. You might feel pressured to follow the ones you’ve learned, or feel pressured to not follow them! You might be having sexual experiences that are not very pleasurable or enjoyable or satisfying for you because you feel like you have to follow or avoid the scripts that you know.

What has been the "stickiest" sexual script for you  — the one you've had the hardest time shaking off? How would you like to break it?

[Sofi]

Ooh, good question! One I had for the longest was around noises/how I should sound during sex. I had to really shake that one off and be comfortable sounding however came natural because, no, we don't naturally sound like actors do in porn!

[aarija]

love this question! I struggled with making any sort of noise during sex for a long time and am just now starting to break that pattern!

Also still feel somewhat stuck in the 'baseball model' sometimes but have been finding alternatives through kink, especially focusing on sensory play. It really helps me get into my body and dispels the urge to stick to a certain order of operations that we see play out in so much media

[Asking Queries]

I also really like this question! I have three ones so far:

1: I don’t know (and am wondering) whether other people have experienced this, but asking for explicit consent (for example, to hug or sit with someone) feels like it implies sexual or romantic attraction/desires. This feels really frustrating because I know how important asking for consent is, but also don’t want people to get the wrong idea, so a lot of the time I just don’t ask to do something (and of course I don’t do it).

2: The idea that women are passive or less active/dominant in sex and romantic relationships in general. This hasn’t really come up in real life for me, but it definitely does in reading stuff — I’m often wondering whether a trans woman is being written as active because the author thinks of her an active trans woman, or whether the author thinks of her as actually a man.

3. The idea that being sexually attracted to women inherently objectifies them (I don’t think that this idea applies to other people, just me.) This is definitely related to some internalized misogyny, and internalized transphobia in a complicated way — for the internalized transphobia I think the cause is feeling that I’m a boy and that boys inherently objectify women. Neither of those things are true, but I definitely get those messages from society.

I’ll try to think of some more (actual ones of course !), this is a really interesting question and topic.

- AQ