how can i help my friend?

[axolotlperson]

my friend is in an abusive household. i met them around 2021, and we quickly became best friends, and they opened up a lot to me about what’s really going on in their house. their mom had them at a fairly young age, teens if i can remember correctly. her current partner wasn’t happy about that, and committed suicide. she went to a different guy, lets just call him ed, married him, and had a son with him. ed was very toxic, and would hit and yell at their mom (let’s call her mary). eventually, when my friend was in teenage years, mary divorced ed and got with another guy, lets call him eric. eventually, mary moved out of ed’s house, and went to live with eric. that’s when things really went downhill. my friend is now put through so much, it’s absolutely absurd. i’m pretty positive that eric is toxic as well, as i’ve heard about love bombing signs from my friend and some of my moms friends who have visited them. eric also got mary pregnant after just under a year of dating, which to me, raises a lot of red flags. was he being pushy? was he refusing to wear protection? it’s clear that eric has had a large effect on mary, and i don’t like it. to me, it seems like mary feels like she needs to walk on eggshells around him and do whatever he wants. for example, before dating eric, mary was supportive of my friend questioning their gender and sexuality, now she refuses to call them by their correct pronouns, and is very clearly unsupportive. another example: mary recently started taking injections to help her loose weight. i don’t know what kind of injections it is, but my friend said that mary only told them about it, as far as they know. mary makes my friend do all the chores, not just a few, all of them except for her and eric’s room. there’s been times where they have had to do the dishes 4 or 5 times in one day. my friend is blamed for everything. take a shower before eric is home? yelled at. ask when dinner will be ready? yelled at. asks that someone else does the dishes because they’re overwhelmed? yelled at, etc, etc. i’m not sure that my friend has gone a single day in eric’s house without being yelled at. eric’s house is in my town and within walking distance, so me and them used to go on walks all the time. then my friend said that mary said (referring to me) “she needs to cover up more, she’s gonna get raped dressing like that.” what was i wearing that made her say that? a t-shirt and shorts with a high waisted skirt. not only was that comment disgusting, it worries me. did eric say something sexual about me and mary got jealous? why did she suddenly have a problem with my outfits? everything i’ve said isn’t really even scraping the surface of the abuse, but if i typed out everything i’d be here all day. what i came here to ask, is what can i do to help? how can i get them out of that god forsaken house? they’re 15, and we both live in california. my parents and many other trusted adults know about what’s happening. most of our conversations happen over text, and i have an album of screenshots of them talking about the abuse, but words can only go so far, and i don’t have any solid evidence. the issue that i keep facing is that if me or my mom contact the police, even if it was anonymous, i know that mary would immediately blame my friend and they would likely get their phone taken away possibly permanently and severely punished, even if it wasn’t actually them that called, and since the abuse is mainly mental and emotional, that the police would think nothing wrong and leave. mary is scarily good at acting innocent, neither me or my mom never could have guessed how much of a monster she really is. all her social media is filled with all kinds of stuff screaming “oh look at me i’m such a good parent i love my kiddos so much!” when that’s far from the truth. i know that authorities often believe the parent more than the kid, especially if the house and online profile is so different than what the kid is claiming it is.

[Latha]

Hi Axolotlperson,

I understand why you're concerned- your friend is experiencing neglect and emotional abuse, and she deserves better. You've mentioned that your parents and many other trusted adults know about this situation. Do you have a sense of how they view this and what they've considered doing?

I'm not familiar with how the police/CPS respond to such cases where you live, so I can't speak to the viability of calling the authorities yourself. But another option may be for your friend to start by talking to a teacher or counselor that she trusts at school. They might have a better sense of her options.

You could talk to your parents about what else you can do for your friend. Can you make your home a place she can hang out during the day, or can she sleep over with you sometimes? Naturally, there are limits to what your family can do, but it may help to provide her with a safe space away from home before you find a better solution.

I know it can be very frustrating to be with someone in this situation and not be able to fix it, but I want to emphasize that this is not your responsibility to manage alone. Wherever you can, rely on the adults around you to handle this. The most important thing you can do is be there for your friend when you can.

If possible, ask your friend if she can record her mother yelling at her. This may provide her with additional documentation of what is happening.