Feminine urge??

[3username]

Warning this won’t be proofread lol
Hi, so for a little bit of context about me I’m a 21 year old female and I’m a virgin who has never had any sort of romantic or sexual relationship with anyone of any gender or sex or anything but I think I’m open to it? I dont really have a label that I put on my sexuality I’m kinda just here.

Anyways, my question is prob gonna sound really weird but I’m hoping you guys something to say that will be at least a little educational to me. Why do I get an urge to insert something inside myself when I’m horny? I suspect that it’s because it’s what I see in most porn, there’s always some sort of penetration or insertion one way or another in like the vast majority of porn (and maybe that’s the kinda of sex that’s occurring the most often but that doesn’t mean it’s the only kind of sex right?). I have been sticking to external masturbation for as long as I’ve been masturbating which is many MANY years. I tried sometimes to stick a finger or 2 or like the end of a hairbrush (yes I’m one of those, I fear) up there so many times but it never even felt good or brought me remotely closing to orgasm. At best it didn’t hurt and it felt like nothing, at worst it hurt a lot!! There’s a chance that I have vaginismus also which is another conversation for another post.

Bringing it back to my question for this particular post, despite not particularly enjoying my previous experiences with insertion fingering or whatever you wanna call it, I always get this urge to put something inside myself when I get horny. It got to the point where one day I got extremely high and horny (horny when high hits DIFFERENT if u know u know) and figured since I’m not gonna be experiencing the feeling of a penis inside of me any time soon (nobody really finds me attractive, again another conversation for another time) I might as well buy a dildo and experience something similar. Since people in porn are always having such a great time having penetrative sex and masturbating with dildos and having these crazy incredibly orgasms that I. WANT. (I know most porn orgasms are fake but I have been watching porn so long I know how to find the real ones when that’s what I’m looking for, yet ANOTHER conversation for another time).

So I spent way too much money getting a “beginner-friendly” dildo express shipped to me along with some lube and when it was time to test it out it wasn’t even that much of an enjoyable experience. First of all since I’d never had anything that size inside of there before it was obviously difficult for me to get it in, it was a stretch and it was an uncomfortable sting at some moments. I could barely move it in and out, I was so tight around it. I think if I wasn’t a virgin that might be something to brag about? lol idk I hear people say it all the time in the music but anywho, so like why do I wanna feel a dick inside me so bad?? Is just it something that may come as a side effect of having a female body or am I just a little fucked in the head or something else or what? Thank you for making it to the end!! Sorry for the long read, I hope it didn’t weird you out too bad and that it at least made you laugh a little bit at some points. Thanks again!!

[Sam W]

Hi 3username,

I think you're right that a big part of why you're experiencing this feeling is psychological; sometimes, when something is present in a lot of sexual media or discussions about sex, we can start to feel like we have to try it or need to try it because it's so ubiquitous (or we're curious as to what all the fuss is about). However, there are also some physical things at play too! When someone with a vagina is aroused, the uppermost third of the vaginal canal expands and loosens a bit, which can result in an emptier or larger feeling inside the vagina. It's not feminine urge so much as it's one of the sensations that can come with having that body part.

In terms of the experience with the dildo, if you're not used to inserting small things into the vaginal canal, inserting a larger one can be tricky because you don't know your body as well and what angles or positions help with insertion. So if you keep experimenting with it, you mind find insertion gets easier if you get to know your body better. Too, when you tried using the dildo, where you really aroused and relaxed? Or were you tense? And did you try to "push through" the sting at all? Too, if you think Vaginismus is at play, that could also be playing a big role here (is that a diagnosis you received? Or is it something you suspect you have?)

I do want to add that the idea of vaginas being "tight" or "loose" is a misconception. The vagina isn't a static tube; it's a muscle that can tense and relax, and it expands or contracts based on whether or not something is being inserted. Too, as I mentioned in my first paragraph, it actually expands when someone is aroused.

When it comes to pleasure with insertion, that's one of those things that varies a lot from person to person. However, part of why it may not feel all that interesting to you is that the vaginal canal isn't all that sensitive, especially once you get past the first third of it. That's why for so many people, external stimulation--often of the clitoris--is needed in order for sex or masturbation to feel pleasurable. That's not to say people don't or can't enjoy inserting things like dildos or penises, but it's not the guaranteed source of pleasure that it's presented as in porn (some porn performers may indeed be reaching orgasm from a dildo alone, but I'm willing to bet there are one or two fake orgasms that might have slipped past you, just based on the percentage of people with vaginas who need something other than insertion to orgasm).

All that being said, if the dildo isn't fun for you, you don't have to keep trying it. You can if you're curious, of course, but at a certain point, if external stimulation feels good and inserting things doesn't, why not stick to that, you know?

[3username]

First of all, thank you so much for your quick and informative response!! I have been feeling really weird about his whole think, but your response has made me feel understood and normal, so I really appreciate that.
To answer your first question about whether I was tense or relaxed when I tried the dildo, I’d say I felt relaxed. I was definitely experiencing arousal and was actively trying to stay as relaxed as possible. I tried somewhat to push through the pain for a little bit, but it got to a point where the dildo was barely moving and it wasn’t feeling very enjoyable so I just gave up.
As for the vaginismus question, it’s something that I suspect I have but I have never been formally diagnosed with it. I’m planning to bring it up the next time I see the gyno. But yeah until I figure other things out, I’ll probably be sticking to external stimulation.
Thanks again!

[Jacob]

I can't speak too much to the bigger picture but I would say the 'push through the pain' step is one you can absolutely do without in most situations, especially in masturbation. It's almost always better to stop it at the point where it begins to hurt, and spend our energy on exploring how everything before that feels.

This metaphor works pretty well for me when I think of "jut push through" attitudes...

Lets' say you struggled with spicy food, but really wanted to be able to enjoy some heat. You could start by making enjoyably mild recipes, adding imperceptible amounts of spice, then increasing the heat just a little in each dish perhaps over a couple of months, so that the increase is only subtle and each meal is enjoyable in its own right, until eventually you're eating and enjoying whatever level is right for you. Success!

Or, and which is very unlikely to work, you might trying eating a plate of hot peppers, or a dish way spicier than you can enjoy at this point, and hope that it acclimatizes you. What is far more likely is that you'll feel horrible and ill, and may even start to feel reflexively queasy every-time you try and eat moderately spicy food for years after that!

It seems like the fantasy of it is where you've experienced the most amount of pleasure surrounding insertion, so maybe you could lean into those fantasies to begin with and perhaps look for a toy that's even smaller (who is to say what is too small?) and try to establish whatever approach and/or equipment is, firstly, just not-painful, as an absolute baseline, and then explore what combination of fantasy and physical sensation feel's good for you, and begin exploring some more from there. If it transpires that external stimulation along with the fantasies of insertion is the version of this that feels best, then there's no reason that can't be your preference, as Sam says, or if you find that some use of toys of whatever size feels best, then that's cool too.

I'd add that not everybody feels good with in-and-out motions, hence the popularity of vibration and/or folks who only get physical enjoyment when the thing is there offering some resistance to their muscular movements but is otherwise stationary.