friend makes me horny

[Lyle Lanley]

i've been trying to navigate the world of sexuality and dating after i've left a three-year long distance relationship that has left me unhappy for so many reasons.
not only that, but i also feel like an alien now becuase it's like i don't know anything. i've been deprived of what should have been formative experiences to achiev the emotional maturity required at my age.

that being said, i've also been questioning my sexuality and evaluating whether i'm a lesbian (but i have opened another thread about that). and there's also this friend of mine who makes me feel... weird? i'll explain:

- things started when we spent two full days together, we went to various places including the beach. when she was in her swimsuit i couldn't help but admire how pretty she was and that the bikini complimented her body shape (of course, i was inconspicuous)

- the following day, she showed me some of her drawings and i stumbled across some that were nsfw. she explained what was going on in those drawings and explained that one of them was inspired by a girl she liked, but no longer did because of a thing she said.
when i saw those drawings and thought about those things, i felt a weird feeling that at first i thought was rage or jealousy, but it was unexplained. then i realised it could've been arousal, as i've been casually turned on by other things that have been said to me by acquaintances and friends before. but this time it felt different.

also, one time when i was in the shower i remembered that she also had been here and that made me explicitly horny, so i used the shower head water settings to masturbate and i've never come so quickly in my life.
and a few days after i had a dream about exactly what i pictured that day, and once again it made me wake up extremely aroused.


now, i know that i don't have a crush on her because i've crushed before and this is different. but, is this all normal? and can a person confuse rage/jealousy with arousal? sadly i cannot distinguish feelings that well and especially when it comes to realtionships

[Andy]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

it’s great to hear that you are no longer in a relationship that made you unhappy but I’m sorry it’s making you feel like you missed out on something. I’m wondering if you have something specific in mind when you talk about the emotional maturity required at your age? Because plenty of people haven’t even started dating at your age and I don’t think having some specific kind of relationship necessarily leads to emotional, or any other, maturity.

As for your friend, I don’t think there is anything unusual at all about the feelings you describe! While crushes with their intensity are often presented as some ultimate way of experiences attraction to others, it’s far from the only way. It’s possible to find someone attractive only aesthetically and not be interested in their personality at all or to develop feelings for someone only after years of friendships, as well as countless other ways.

About your second question, sometimes it can be hard to understand what we are feeling and especially if the feelings come unexpectedly and intensely. And it’s also possible for them to appear together at once, like if you see a sexy picture of someone that you are jealous of. Does that make sense and does it answer your questions?

I’m also wondering if questioning your sexuality that you described in your other thread plays a role in the worries about your feelings for this friend. What do you think about that?

[Lyle Lanley]

hi andy and thanks for the answer.

what i meant in the first paragraph is that the relationship precluded me from having experiences i could/should have had in order to know how i am supposed to behave and find someone in the realm of dating. i've been told multiple times that when i try to approach someone in a subtle way, i am actually painfully obvious and i don't know what to do.

i know, it's not unusual to get turned on by something a friend says or does. it's happened multiple times to me but this time it was different.
i was jealous and i don't know why, because i know i'm not crushing on her. and yet, i wouldn't mind if we happened to kiss or have sex, in fact i would like it, but it's not something i desire every time i see or think about her. i found i get super jealous for the littlest things when it comes to her but i never say anything. and following all this, sometimes i read erotic stories about girl "best friends" and imagine me and her, and it does turn me on.

the answer to the second question confused me more than before, but truly, the feeling was intense and it came to me all at once. and yes, my questioning sexuality is definitely playing a role.

and perhaps i'm just sexually frustrated.

[Anya]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

I totally get what you're saying about feeling like you've missed out on crucial relationship experiences because of one that was so long during your teen years. I have definitely felt the same way, but the truth is there really is no "should" when it comes to how we learn and grow into ourselves and our relationships with others. Just because people we may know have had different experiences, or seem "more adjusted" does not mean that they actually are. We never really know what happens behind closed doors or in the minds of others, so I know it's hard but it's important to remember that it's not a race because no two people have the same finish line.

Being obvious is also totally not a bad thing! As someone who is also completely incapable of being subtle in romantic settings, I've learned that really, it has given me the advantage of being able to show people that I care and practice asking others about their feelings. It may not be what everyone does, but it has allowed me to be able to practice confidence in asking people out or if they want to kiss (and a lot of the time they say yes). So before you bash yourself for not being able to be subtle, I'd encourage you to think of it really as a superpower that just wants some practice.

You are also right in that it is not unusual in the slightest to get turned on by something a friend does, or a way someone acts. Emotions and attraction are complicated things, and most of the time there are no clear answers. Just because you feel something you've never felt before doesn't mean that it is automatically wrong, or "not what attraction is supposed to feel like" because again, and I know I sound like a broken record, there are truly no "should"s.

I know it's hard to not overthink all of your emotions when they're new and complicated, but I recommend taking a deep breath and trusting that your feelings with unfold over time. There is no rush to sort everything out right now. I think what Andy was trying to say was if you're feeling so many intense things at once, it can be difficult to differentiate and understand each individual emotion. Cut yourself some slack friend! Jumping into labels like "sexually frustrated" may be putting some unnecessary stress on yourself. What you feel is completely valid and normal even if you don't know what it means yet. Does all of that make sense? Let me know how you feel about that.